Best. Injury. Ever. That’s right, a woman has just been transformed into a sex-obsessed deviant after her libido was jump-started into orbit by a freak nerve injury while playing Wii Fit. The young woman, called Amanda, has apperently developed 'persistent sexual arousal syndrome' due to the accident.
When asked how she deals with the constant need for a good seeing to she commented: "With no cure I just have to try to control my passion by breathing deeply. Hopefully one day I'll find a superstud who can satisfy me." Pah. Forget the hunk. All you need is some really, really dull games to keep those desires on the backburner.
So if you're unfortunate to suffer a similar affliction, and said gaming injury hasn't put you off the medium for life, here's a list of titles that'll cool your jets. They might not be much fun to play; but they’re at least the gaming equivalent of a cold shower.
Feeling those evil carnal pangs creeping up on you? Struggling to keep those lusty urges in check? Then throw yourself into the works of Jules Verne, Thomas Hardy and The Bard. Not only will you beat back those saucy desires, you'll learn about pirates, poetry and... eh, murder/suicide pacts.
So you've been playing Dead or Alive Volleyball for 17 straight hours and you feel the need to hump the leg of your couch. Don't give in! Help is at hand. Simply slip this charming simulator into your disk-drive (not in a seductive way, mind) and get ready to board the fun bus. Master the 63 to Hauptbahnhof. Admire some of Germany's finest bus lanes. Gaze in awe at the architectural wonders of Berlin's mightiest bus stations. Who needs scantily clad bikini babes when you can ferry old folk to and from the retirement castle on the number 59?
Are you the kind of person who's played Heavy Rain's shower scenes so many times that the image of Madison's bare backside has been permanently burned onto your plasma screen? Then boy could you do with picking up this cooking sim. Not only will it keep you on the straight and narrow, it'll also help you become a cooking king. Prepare to be banished from Boner Town as you whip up posh kebabs, spaghetti bolognese and eh... what appears to be some sort of white shit. Now you too can kibosh those sinful thoughts and cook up a culinary storm in the bargain.
The exciting world of horse racing is the perfect antidote for anyone looking to nuke naughty desires. There's no better really dull tonic than cleaning out stables, getting your horse ready for the big race, then blowing all your cash when you bet on the mare that finishes dead last. Everyone knows there's nothing like a bit of financial ruin to curb carnality.
Now this is what we're talking about. Healing baby elephants. Exploring the African savannah. Possibly getting your jugular ripped out as you try to pull a thorn out of a lion cub's paw. The game's rewards might not come in the form of gratuitous T&A slow-mo shots. But who'd want that when you can help fix a giraffe's neck problems? Exactly.
Know of any other stupidly dull games that can put horniess on hold? Holler at us in the comments.
Apr 15, 2010