The Professionals - Microwaves

If you spent your childhood in fear, after your mother told you that looking at the food going around on the platform would make your eyes fall out, you’re not alone. John Bows, a Technology Development Manager, knows all about microwaves - about the “instantaneous disruption of the electrical signals in the brain, causing loss of gross motor function,” and the “inevitable long-term loss of brain function as well as changed behavior patterns.” And it turns out that your eyes do explode out of your face. This month, John rates microwaves from four games, and one obnoxious, unfunny viral from 1999...

F.E.A.R.

Bows: I’m worried about the turntable, it looks small and possibly metal, typical of late 1980s Matsui ovens, and the internal bulb failure points to an old oven as well. Military personnel should therefore be careful about using this oven for reheating rations, as uneven heating could result in a risk of scalding and microbiological grow-out if not eaten straight away. The location of the mains power supply is not obvious, and the wooden floor and shoddy wall point towards a make-shift structure unfit for long-term use of the microwave. However, the oven has a safety interlock in the door frame, so the general design features look present, if not entirely fully functional.

GamesRadar rating – 3 out of 5 stars – Extracted power point