How to win a fight according to games

What better way to learn how to fight than from videogames, the leading cause of fights? It’s true, videogames cause most of the world’s violence. Scientists have done science that proves it, so there’s no point in arguing. People sometimes tell me that things aren’t so “black and white,” but I don’t even know what that means, because I’m not racist like they are.

But if you learn from them, videogames can make you undefeatable in the ring, by the bike racks, at the grocery store, or wherever you are when the part of your brain that plays videogames gets you into a fight. Mine does it a lot so that’s why I’m pretty good at fighting. Pay very close attention because this is important:

Put your arms up

If you’re going to fight, you’re going to get hit. It’ll probably hurt, too - I’d guess at least as bad as getting hit by a tennis ball. Maybe worse. So you'd better defend yourself, and the best way to do that is to put your arms up. Whenever your opponent tries to hit you, they’ll just hit your arms and it won’t hurt that bad, especially if you wear gloves or wrap your arms with white tape.

Above: Like this 

Before I go on… I’m not stupid, OK? I know that videogame fights aren’t real. If you thought I was just going to act like they were to be funny, you’re dead wrong, and if you think this is just a joke, you might be dead dead someday because you don’t know how to fight. This is serious.

Anyway, I practiced all of this with my friend on his trampoline. He didn’t put his arms up to block once and now he has a fractured collar bone because he fell on his mom’s lawn statue of little girls playing on a teeter-totter. I didn’t even push him, he just fell. His mom got mad and I think she cried, but she just doesn’t understand because she doesn’t play videogames, so if she ever got in a fight she’d probably end up like her stupid son. I think my point is made.

You have to know Karate

This one is pretty obvious so I don’t even know why I have to say it. All the best fighters know Karate because it’s the most powerful fighting style. If you don’t know Karate, you can learn it pretty easily, so just listen up because you’re going to need this.

The first thing you need to do is observe Ryu from Street Fighter II. Look carefully at what he does and make sure you’ve memorized all the buttons to press for his moves.

Ryu uses Shotokan Karate which is really powerful. I know what you’re thinking, but if it wasn’t real, why would there be an entire section about it in Wikipedia, which is an encyclopedia just like Encyclopedia Britannica?

Above: It's pretty easy

After you’ve practiced all of Ryu’s moves, you’re ready to try them out for real. You’ll need a sparring partner who just stands there, or does certain things you tell him, like blocking. If you have a little brother he’ll work well, but if not you can just use your sister, which is what I do.

Anyway, in Street Fighter you use buttons to do moves, but real life doesn’t work that way, so you have to translate the button presses in your head to know what to do. For example, if you wanted to do a Tomoe Nage in Street Fighter II, you would press forward or backward, then medium or strong kick. So when you’re actually doing it you have to move forward and then do a medium or high kick, but don’t accidentally crouch because you’ll do a trip instead. If you’re not sure what moves to do in what order, you should write to Nintendo Power for advice. That’s what I do.

Here is a demonstration of the move. I don’t know about what this guy is saying, but if you just turn the sound off you can see that he moves forward and does a high kick, like Ryu:

Important Fact: Did you know that Street Fighter II was actually made to train secret assassins in Japan? The USA stole it so that it could train secret assassins too, and that’s why the DOS version was made by “US Gold,” because they actually used gold from Fort Knox to fund it. They had to make a DOS version because the government didn’t want the assassins to play the SNES version because all Super Nintendos have special chips in them which send information to Japanese spies.

Theme song

This is really important. You need a theme song. The best song to use is The Eternal Castle Britannia from Ultima III: Exodus on the NES, but that’s my theme song so you can’t use it. I’ll let you listen to it though.


You’ll need to get your own song (maybe you could use this one) and also a stereo to play it with when you get in a fight. I have one that runs on these big batteries that my dad says he borrows from work, and you can probably get one too (from Radio Shack?).


  • Hellwilder - February 11, 2011 7:08 p.m.

    Now I'll be the top fighter of my school and I'll have everything I want :D
  • Turboash - August 30, 2010 9:42 p.m.

    The words in that article, arranged as they were, amused me greatly! Thanks Tyler!
  • MikeT - August 30, 2010 5:42 p.m.

    hahaha good stuff man!
  • SenorHurt - August 30, 2010 12:24 p.m.

    This article was brilliant! Thank you for the multitude of laughs. This article should be the basis for a major feature length movie or at least an internet short film.
  • SwampRock - August 30, 2010 10:32 a.m.

    I wanna be like vega, someone kicks me just put up one arm, and keep a straight face, well with a mask on.
  • ReaperOfDarkness - August 29, 2010 7:35 p.m.

    this article was hilarious! I definitely need a strong black guy and fast woman (with a vacuum cleaner of course) for my posse lol.
  • FortyVsZero - August 29, 2010 10:36 a.m.

    Great article Tyler. I do most of this stuff anyways (I'm a bad dude) but beating on cars is another great way to strengthen up those punching muscles. Then you can use those steel tempered hands to show your training partner the true meaning of blunt force trauma!
  • MetalReborn - August 29, 2010 7:06 a.m.

    if i mail you a piece of paper will you give me your autograph?
  • elpurplemonkey - August 29, 2010 5:47 a.m.

    This may be Tyler's funniest article to date. Great job sport.
  • philipshaw - August 28, 2010 9:27 p.m.

    Classic Gamesradar but reading this when tried wasn't a good idea
  • Drphil17 - August 28, 2010 7:22 p.m.

    hahaha tht was funny
  • Spybreak8 - August 28, 2010 6:38 p.m.

    Great article! lol I always wanted to do the sonic boom when I was a kid. To be honest, I still do now!
  • Caio - August 28, 2010 4:01 p.m.

    Having been hit with a Dreamcast controller, I can assure you it is quite effective as a weapon. Great article, Tyler!
  • jollyroger50 - August 28, 2010 3:44 p.m.

    i thought the tomo nage was a judo technique, not karate, and since when did this become e-bay?
  • bron1417 - August 28, 2010 2:34 p.m.

    thanks tyler!
  • camelfro - August 28, 2010 11:49 a.m.

    great article it was really funny awesome stuff wilde man!
  • EgonSpengler - August 28, 2010 11:10 a.m.

    Tyler I think these guys ^^ want to sodomise you. In the booty. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
  • T1arnan - August 28, 2010 11:08 a.m.

    That was quite funny! Most fighting games you end up getting into and think your amzing til you ask someone who has never played a game in their life to play and they use the same move to fuck u up! crouch and kick in tekken 5 anyone?
  • WhiteCredo - August 28, 2010 10:14 a.m.

    One word: Sweet!
  • Shrimpandwhitewine - August 28, 2010 8:24 a.m.

    Thanks to GamesRadar, my posse is full of street-cred.

Showing 1-20 of 61 comments

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