How to win a fight according to games

What better way to learn how to fight than from videogames, the leading cause of fights? It’s true, videogames cause most of the world’s violence. Scientists have done science that proves it, so there’s no point in arguing. People sometimestell methat things aren’t so “black and white,” but I don’t even know what that means, because I’m not racist like they are.

But if you learn from them, videogames can make you undefeatable in the ring, by the bike racks, at the grocery store, or wherever you are when the part of your brain that plays videogames gets you into a fight. Mine does it a lot so that’s why I’m pretty good at fighting. Pay very close attention because this is important:

Put your arms up

If you’re going to fight, you’re going to get hit. It’ll probably hurt, too - I’d guess at least as bad as getting hit by a tennis ball. Maybe worse. So you'd better defend yourself, and the best way to do that is to put your arms up. Whenever your opponent tries to hit you, they’ll just hit your arms and it won’t hurt that bad, especially if you wear gloves or wrap your arms with white tape.

Above: Like this

Before I go on… I’m not stupid, OK? I know that videogame fights aren’t real. If you thought I was just going to act like they were to be funny, you’re dead wrong, and if you think this is just a joke, you might be dead dead someday because you don’t know how to fight. This is serious.

Anyway, I practiced all of this with my friend on his trampoline. He didn’t put his arms up to block once and now he has a fractured collar bone because he fell on his mom’s lawn statue of little girls playing on a teeter-totter. I didn’t even push him, he just fell. His mom got mad and I think she cried, but she just doesn’t understand because she doesn’t play videogames, so if she ever got in a fight she’d probably end up like her stupid son. I think my point is made.

You have to know Karate

This one is pretty obvious so I don’t even know why I have to say it. All the best fighters know Karate because it’s the most powerful fighting style. If you don’t know Karate, you can learn it pretty easily, so just listen up because you’re going to need this.

The first thing you need to do is observe Ryu from Street Fighter II. Look carefully at what he does and make sure you’ve memorized all the buttons to press for his moves.

Ryu uses Shotokan Karate which is really powerful. I know what you’re thinking, but if it wasn’t real, why would there be an entire section about itin Wikipedia, which is an encyclopedia just like Encyclopedia Britannica?

Above: It's pretty easy

After you’ve practiced all of Ryu’s moves, you’re ready to try them out for real. You’ll need a sparring partner who just stands there, or does certain things you tell him, like blocking. If you have a little brother he’ll work well, but if not you can just use your sister, which is what I do.

Anyway, in Street Fighter you use buttons to do moves, but real life doesn’t work that way, so you have to translate the button presses in your head to know what to do. For example, if you wanted to do a Tomoe Nage in Street Fighter II, you would press forward or backward, then medium or strong kick. So when you’re actually doing it you have to move forward and then do a medium or high kick, but don’t accidentally crouch because you’ll do a trip instead. If you’re not sure what moves to do in what order, you should write to Nintendo Power for advice. That’s what I do.

Here is a demonstration of the move. I don’t know about what this guy is saying, but if you just turn the sound off you can see that he moves forward and does a high kick, like Ryu:

Important Fact: Did you know that Street Fighter II was actually made to train secret assassins in Japan? The USA stole it so that it could train secret assassins too, and that’s why the DOS version was made by “US Gold,” because they actually used gold from Fort Knox to fund it. They had to make a DOS version because the government didn’t want the assassins to play the SNES version because all Super Nintendos have special chips in them which send information to Japanese spies.

Theme song

This is really important. You need a theme song. The best song to use is The Eternal Castle Britannia from Ultima III: Exodus on the NES, but that’s my theme song so you can’t use it. I’ll let you listen to it though.

You’ll need to get your own song (maybe you could usethis one) and also a stereo to play it with when you get in a fight. I have one that runs on these big batteries that my dad says he borrows from work, and you can probably get one too (from Radio Shack?).

Associate Editor, Digital at PC Gamer