Sasquatch. Bigfoot. The Abominable Snowman. There are many names associated with the elusive, (definitely not fake) ape-men... eh, thingies. Contrary to what Harry and the Hendersons would have you believe, though, most would rather chow down on your colon than forge an interspecies friendship.
Above: Don’t let Harry fool you. We bet he'd have totally eaten John Lithgow if they’d ever done a sequel
In video games especially, your average mythical ape would like nothing more than to introduce you to that big game over screen in the sky. So pack some animal tranquilisers and a hacksaw, as we take you on a tour of some of gaming’s greatest yetis and sasquatch. Oh, and watch out for that bastard who makes the soup.
Warning: There are some slight spoilers ahead, mainly to do with Uncharted 2: Among Thieves.
The awesomely named abominable snowmen
As seen in: World of Warcraft
What’s in a name? Well, when it comes to video game yetis, usually something about icy eviscerations. World of Warcraft has all your favourites. Icehowl. Frostmaw. And our personal yeti of choice, The Abominable Greench. Unlike most of their cousins (who seem to enjoy playing mobile phone-based sports), these cave-dwelling dastards love nothing more than to pounce on unsuspecting adventurers.
Above: Awwww, who could stay mad at Abominable Greench's cute, green mug?
Sadly, said pouncing is rarely followed up by breaking the ice over a few snow cones, and more often than not yeti right hooks and deadly ice breath are the order of the day. In 2007 expansion Wrath of the Lich King, the albino-esque apes were given a frightening makeover, which also saw them master complex speech. Alas, they still seem to have difficulty understanding “For the love of sweet, merciful Buddha! Don’t eat my liver!”
The sociable sasquatch
As seen in: Red Dead: Redemption Undead Nightmare
According to John Marston’s paranormal-flavoured DLC spin-off, sasquatch not only roam the woods of Tall Trees, they also enjoy eating old timey babies. Naturally, this is nonsense, as Marston quickly proves when he meets one of the mythical woodland critters, who informs John they only eat berries. Well, after he’s wiped out the poor blighter’s entire species with a hunting rifle.
Colour us ten kinds of guilty. We should have probably guessed they were pretty harmless, what with all the running away from our completely unprovoked gunfire and all. After this civil conversation with the one surviving Bigfoot, you can either decide to let him wallow in depression at the fact he’ll never get his sasquatch sex on again or kill him deader than Buffalo Bill’s skin suit.
The undead yeti
As seen in: Plants vs. Zombies
If there’s one thing we don’t sweat, it’s a shitty, shuffling, garden variety zombies. Now, zombie yetis, on the other hand, are something that definitely make us fill our thermal undies. Plants vs. Zombies’ undead, mythic beastie can only be unlocked after you complete the game’s Adventure Mode.
Above: Now that's a tasty sandwich
An almost unkillable version of the world’s sneakiest ape-man, you can only see the hairy no gooder when lightning strikes. He clearly has something to learn about this whole abominable anonymity business, mind. Because this yeti has gladly let his social security details and sandwich-eating sensibilities become common knowledge. Honestly, what kind of decaying, big-footed bastard lets his fave sanger choice enter the public domain?
The fake yeti men
As seen in: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
It’s always the way, huh? You get attacked by a feral, bloodthirsty yeti, only to find out it’s a guy (who looks like he’s failed an audition for Avatar) in a suit. Before you discover Uncharted 2’s ferocious mountain murderers aren’t all they appear to be, though, you’re treated to a hella creepy first sighting…
It’s not until later in the adventure, when Drake finally discovers the ancient city of Shambhala that the fancy dress-endorsed truth slips out. You see, the yetis are actually weird, blue-skinned Guardians of the mythical Cintamani stone (the relic our fortune hunter is searching for). Their initial, abominable appearance was merely a costume to scare off trespasses to the city. And here we were thinking Nate was finally going to make his fortune auctioning off genuine, petrified yeti shit.
Above: Not the answer to all Nate's finanical woes, unfortunately
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