A new lease on life
If you ever encounter a talking roll of toilet paper in real life, your heart will likely explode out of sheer surprise. Not to mention you'd probably find it at least a little bit difficult to tear off a few sheets and put them toward their intended use. Meet a roll of Charmin in a video game, though, and the two of you could become best of friends.
Poop (Conker's Bad Fur Day)
The thought of crossing paths with a festering pile of talking fecal matter is inherently terrifying. The only thing that could somehow make such a scenario any worse would be listening to that giant mound of discarded human waste use its beautiful falsetto voice to sing-taunt you. And boy does the Great Mighty Poo love to sing-taunt.
Records (EarthBound)
You've no doubt heard some captivating music in your lifetime--songs so beautiful or tragic that they captivate the mind. But Ness and his posse of scrappy children have had their fair share of encounters with animate physical media whose primary interest is murdering pre-teens. Let this be a reminder that kids should always travel the city streets with a yoyo and teddy bear in-hand. It's a maaaaad world.
Tree (Broken Age)
Fact: trees live a long time, and if they could talk, they'd probably have some tragic stories to tell. Stories of their best friends getting chopped in half by cruel human beings, who went on to horribly disfigure those lifeless tree corpses by turning them into building materials. When you think about it, it's really not surprising that the talking tree in Broken Age is absolutely disgusted by carpentry.
Toilet (Banjo-Kazooie)
It's hard to imagine anything more miserable than being a living depository for human waste. Poor Loggo didn't choose to be born as a breathing, eating toilet--but he's not one to raise a stink about his situation, instead opting to be a kind-hearted soul. Yes, life certainly bestowed some lemons upon this ceramic companion; it's just a shame he's too busy drinking other peoples' lemonade to make any of his own.
Tofu (Resident Evil 2)
A hidden character in Resident Evil 2, Tofu was initially designed as a test for the game's collision detection. Upon realizing that keeping a walking slab of synthetic health food as a playable character in a survival horror game was far too funny a thing to cut, Capcom opted to make Tofu the star of a gruelingly difficult minigame. Bizarre, but awesome nonetheless.
Shapes (Thomas Was Alone)
Have you heard? Thomas' friend Chris is a total square. As in, he's actually a living square. 2010's Thomas Was Alone, an indie platform game, did an incredible job of personifying shapes, transforming rectangles and squares into surprisingly memorable characters. Why was Thomas alone? And did he ever become less so? You'll have to play the game to find out.
Ship (The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker)
Riding on top of a talking ship that sails itself is probably as sci-fi as The Legend of Zelda will ever get. King of Red Lions--the awesome name for said ship--has a flair for the theatrical, as his dramatic use of language is rivaled only by his ability to float really well. At least his self navigation affords Link the opportunity to play his 3DS in transit.
Ice cream (Pokemon)
Look, there are enough Pokemon that are basically just ordinary objects with googly eyes to fill this entire list. But there's something particularly horrific about the idea of eating a Vanillite--a living ice cream cone. Picture it: There you are, with a cone of your favorite vanilla dessert, slowly biting away at it while it stares at you with a horrific googly-eye stare. It begs you to stop, but you cannot; it's far too delicious. You bite into the crisp, sugary shell, and it lets loose a blood curdling scream. But it's too late. The sweetness is overwhelming. Can't stop, won't stop.
Your hand (Vampire Hunter D)
Considering the myriad uses of hands, I think we can all agree that giving one of your appendages a mouth and a mind of its own would probably be a bad idea. The thought becomes especially creepy when self-aware hands have a ghoulish human face and the matter-sucking abilities of Nintendo's Kirby, as does D's left hand in the Vampire Hunter D saga.
Cloth (Journey)
Journey is one of those rare, artsy games that forces one to pose deep, philosophical questions. Questions such as: "What is the meaning of life?" Or, "Who am I, really?" Or, "How the hell is that floating cloth-whale producing deep-sea mating calls?" Journey's fabric creatures may look like everyday textiles, but their flowing, organic movements and desire to escape captivity make it quite clear that those cross stitches have hearts and minds.
