Fallout 4's features (as imagined by The Internet)

Let's face it: there's no actual information on Fallout 4, and there won't be until E3. But you know what? With the number of comments about the game littered across the Internet, some of them are bound to be true.

With that in mind, here are 14 Fallout 4 features dreamed up by the Internet that I'm choosing to believe are indisputable FACT.

It will be good

"About TIME. Hell YEAH fallout3 fallout VEGAS 2 OF my favorite games shit fallout4 better be fuckin AWSOME!!" - David Gonzales, OXM Facebook page

David, most probably a high-ranking, corporate-side Bethesda employee has here confirmed that the game should, in fact, be good - following in the series' grand tradition of "being cool games". His use of the words "shit" and "better be" could be an ominous call-back to the infamous New Vegas Metacritic scandal, in which Obsidian devs were denied a bonus because the game's aggregate review scores were off by a point.

It will take place in the past of the future, or the future of past

"What if Fallout 4 is somewhat of a prequel to the series, introducing things to us in a new way, before people have begun to rebuild, or it could be 200 years after Fallout 3, with civilization really starting to thrive again. The new consoles should be able to handle more advanced cities." - STorminNorman86, Reddit

People have focused on the new games' location in space, but what of its time? Considering Fallout already takes place in an alternate history, shifts in chronology are both utterly meaningless and make my head hurt a bit to think about. Where is the future if it takes place in our past? What do our interactions mean if we bring our world's morals to an entirely separate reality? Is this my coffee, or the coffee of the me who made it four hours ago before I began considering this? Brilliant.

There will be horses, but mutated horses

How about mutated horses? - RadagastTheBrownie, Reddit

OK! Yeah!

Collectible records confirmed

"One of the best parts of Black Flag was chasing down those sea shanties and then getting to listen to your pirate crew sing them on the open seas. In fallout 4, the player could collect old records and exchange them to three dog or someone else for caps and the ability to listen to them on the radio." hamptonwooster, Reddit

Fallout's never stooped to including collectibles in its open world - this might be a worthy compromise. I would also accept playable '50s children's toys (cup 'n' ball, stick 'n' hoop, grandmother 'n' gun) or the shadows blasted onto walls by nuclear explosions, but doing funny poses.

Reduced sneeze strength implemented

"Easier way to place and show off my shit. You make us run around forever collecting shit, then it takes an hour to place it, i sneeze on it and it flies across the room." - CloNe817, Reddit

Of course, CloNe817 is talking about a wider issue here, but they raise a far more important point on the way - sneezes must be nerfed in Fallout 4. How many times did I enter a Deathclaw nest in New Vegas, only to have my woefully upgraded Nose Tickle Resistance stat come back to bite me in the ass. It's just annoying, and I'm glad it will be fixed.

Lily is back

"Bring back Lily as a companion - or we riot!" - Kevin Tomkins, OXM FB

Forcibly mutated old woman, Lily, was a fan favourite, and her return will bring cheer to the hearts of many. Until, spoilers, they find out that she in fact returns as a massive, dessicated corpse - a powerful reminder of the fragility of life and the unending Rhumba that Time and Death engage in across the ballroom that is our existence. You can steal her hat for a strength buff.

There will be online multiplayer

"Add multiplayer to story, and open world, that doesnt ever have to be used by those wanting only single player. With that, make it with the ability to set private, or public, rooms." - Josh Riggs, GamesRadar+ Facebook page

Everyone likes playing online. Playing with friends and strangers is just great, and the future of this industry lies in competition and co-operation. Good job, Bethesda.

There's no way in HELL online multiplayer will make it in

"i just hope its not some on line only bullshit that seems to be the way with games nowadays" - Wingo Pang, OXM Facebook page

Nobody likes playing online. Playing with friends and strangers is just awful, and the future of this industry lies in self-improvement and personal betterment. Good job, Bethesda.

Permadeath is everywhere

"I'm not sure how (or even if) it would be possible to balance such a game mechanic, but I'd LOVE to see an open-world RPG game where there's no respawns of any kind. Each living thing in the world is unique, has a name and a history, and if you kill it, it's gone. Done (aside from maybe a very slow respawn rate for plants and rabbits and other low-level fast-reproducing critters)" - BryGuyYup, Reddit

There's no way of feeling better connected to a world than knowing you can influence its future with the pull of a trigger. On a baser level, I can make all those disgusting mutated horses extinct. Who's idea was that? Crazy.

There will be more beef

"beef it up guys! You can do it!" - R4VII, Reddit

More cows, more canned spaghetti, more supermarkets with extensive butcher counters, more muscular character models. Fallout 4 is all beef, all the time.

Faster travel methods

"There better be some kind vehicles in it or at least a sprint button" - Luke Aaron Carpenter, OXM Facebook page

Getting across Fallout's wasteland is a slow process, your sluggish walk speed only made worse by an inventory weight system. Now it's been sped up. You've got surviving '50s vehicles, you've got click-to-sprint, you've got rocket boots, you've got still-functioning, airport-style travelators that you can use to skim from one landmark to another, and you've got mutated horses (they've mutated to become even faster, and they've grown bio-luminescent indicators for safe travel).

You can throw junk

"Make junk weapons, there's a shit ton of rocks and rubble everywhere, pick it up and throw it at that raider!" - Linz1995, Reddit

Bethesda's love of collectible junk is well-renowned. In a truly new-gen touch, you can now chuck all of it at people's heads and legs and arses using a revamped V.A.T.S. system.

Karma has been swapped for Christian morality

"Their is a GOD [clap emoticon]" - Mitchell Warren, OXM Facebook page

In what's clearly a bid for a religiously-aligned Western audience, the new game will openly tell you that there is a God. As such, good and bad karma have been swapped for "Sweet Virtue" and "Lucifer Juice" stats. Also you have to go to Church on every in-game Sunday, and use rosary beads after every kill.

It will never be released

"This is probably gonna be cancelled, seeing that Guillermo Del Toro is working on the trailer - dwfan, Reddit"

In what's becoming known as "del Toro's Blight", the curse of associating the acclaimed Mexican director with your game will result in it being shitcanned sharpish. Sorry, everyone.