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BLOG Five Monsters Id Happily Sleep With

BLOGGERS’ WEEK Ever have racy fantasies about supernatural monsters? Blogger Kelly Harker does, and with tongue firmly in cheek (not always her own tongue), she lists her favourite five...

In a fantasy world of anything goes, is there such a thing as too weird? Good-looking vampires forever in their twenties, shirtless werewolves, undead glamour girls… it’s easy to be attracted to monsters when they’re dripping with sex appeal. Yes, I know that given half the chance these monsters would drain me of all my blood, tear me apart like tissue paper and eat my insides, but a girl can’t help wondering, can she – and talk about a happy meal!

Although unbelievably sexy they’re still dangerous, and writers are clever to know that terror works like an aphrodisiac – I’m currently blaming/thanking Being Human for the majority of my monster-of-the-week fantasies – and I’m not complaining. So, in no particular order, here are the five monsters I most want hiding in my bed:

Whether they’re cuddly and broody or naughty and a little eviler, vampires are everywhere. What is the allure of them other than the fact that they stay gorgeous and forever young? Maybe it’s the idea of succumbing to your animalistic nature, or not feeling bound by conformity to rules; perhaps it’s just all the biting and sucking going on. Whatever the reason for their desirability, when they’re made to be fanciable, the vampire craze obviously isn’t going to dry up anytime soon.

And although I know it’s deluded I can’t help but hope I can one day use the line, “Is that a bottle of Tru Blood in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

Yep, I’m a big fan of gore so it doesn’t surprise me that I find zombies attractive. Well, not all zombies, just the ones with perdy mouths. Back-from-the-dead glamour girls are really something special; a new kind of sexy zombie, they’re a perfect combination of beauty and brrraaaiiinnns. Some might question their practicality, but the real question is: why would you not want a zombie pinup calendar hanging in your kitchen? It’s bloody brilliant.

The sex appeal doesn’t stop with undead gorgeous girls shaped like Marilyn Monroe. Those zombie boys may not be effervescent or charming or sweet enough to take home to introduce to your mom and dad, but they do have something going for them: rigor mortis. This is coincidentally why I’ve decided to revise my good zombie plan…

Well, that’s how I would have written the The Little Mermaid

Aye, mermaids are monsters. Don’t let their beauty give you a false sense of security because they’ll drag you down to Davy Jones’ Locker and make a feast of you. Maaaaaaybe you’ll be lucky enough to have sex with her before she drowns and eats you, but it’s not likely.

There are many differing depictions of mermaids and mermen which is why I’ll understand if you don’t agree with me slotting them in the “monster” category. The Standard Dictionary Of Folklore: Mythology And Legend refers to them lightly as “supernatural beings,” but I’d rather think of them as fierce predatory monsters of the sea because it’s way more fun. Disney has the right idea for Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides by making them beautiful and hungry for human flesh.

I know what you’re thinking, and no, no one has actually figured out the mechanics of how sexual intercourse would work with a mermaid/merman. Family Guy pokes fun of this when they illustrate the merman who saves Lois from drowning to have the body of a human man (with proper appendages), and with the head of a fish. Lois, being disappointed and turned-off by the flip-flop in his merman form, proves that it’s easy to be vain when it comes to the monsters we fantasise about. And if I’m honest, I tend to fantasize more about mermaids than mermen, but that’s mostly because females look better when wet.

Ahoy, femme fatales of the sea! I’m easy bait.

Werewolf characters such as True Blood ’s Alcide, Twilight Saga ’s Jacob and pack, Buffy ’s Oz, and Being Human ’s George are just a few of my favourite furry examples. And even though there’s a good chance that my cuddle session with one could end in my abdominals being ripped open and my spleen being eaten, I’d still want a naughty snuggle. After watching [WARNING: Being Human Spoiler alert!] werewolf George dominating Nina doggy-style (obvious pun), I’ve decided that having my spleen eaten is a risk I’d be willing to take. George might be a little clumsy and bashful and it’s all very endearing, but I also bet he could make me howl in bed.

The classic werewolf is of course exceptionally violent and grotesque, and it hasn’t been until this new protective and scary yet still good-looking transformation that’s chasing tail in romantic fiction that has made this monster so desirable. And what about the female werewolf? Shouldn’t she be just as sexy as her male-were counterparts? Unfortunately the fact is that female werewolves (for the most part) aren’t depicted as having the same frenzied horniness and desirability as male werewolves. And while I’d love to advocate for the rise of the powerful and sexy female werewolf, there’s just something more attractive about a male werewolf being covered in hair head-to-paw, than a female.

Oh how I’d enjoy being the sex/chew toy for Being Human’s werewolf George. Wait… do werewolves pee to mark their territory?

I’ve tried, but I can’t erase that scene from Scary Movie 2 out of my memory. So I’ve embraced it. You know the scene I’m talking about, right? [WARNING: Spoiler alert!] It’s the one where the horny ghost of Hugh Kane humps Alex all over the bedroom, including along the bedroom walls. Even though it’s a parody movie, at least it shows an interest in paranormal sexual encounters with ghosts, because right now there doesn’t seem to be many real-life stories about sex with ghosts circulating the internet. Fantasy can easily become confused with reality, which is why I’m surprised that there aren’t more people sharing their steamy encounters. Maybe they’re just afraid of being ridiculed if they came forward, or maybe they just haven’t seen Ghost and therefore lack the inspiration… I still can’t listen to “Unchained Melody” without getting the urge to sit myself at a pottery wheel with wet hands as I work the clay from its base upwards, all to the slow rhythm of the song.

You see, 1990’s blockbuster Ghost is not only responsible for my curiosity in starting a new hobby, but the film is also the reason in the first place why I ever thought having sex with a ghost could be hot. It was Swayze who played Sam Wheat, the ridiculously handsome good-hearted ghost who pleasantly haunts his love, Molly Jensen (Demi Moore), and if you weren’t affected by their romance watching this movie, then you must not have a pulse. Sam and Molly’s relationship, even in Sam’s death, was sexually charged and romantic and anything but ghastly.

Even [WARNING: Being Human Spoiler alert!] Being Human ’s darling ghost Annie has become somewhat of a seductress over the past season; her relationship with Mitchell was bitter-sweet, but was still something to admire. She’s also my new ghost crush. Ahem, girl ghost crush. This shows’ monster characters have made me crave meaningful relationships and experiences in my own life, but certainly that doesn’t mean I’m not going to give out my phone number to just anyone/thing – I’m not too keen on getting obscene phone calls in the middle of the night from the dead. Plus accepting long-distance charges from the “other side” would really put a dent in my bank account.

Who you gonna call? Not me, unless you’re a ghostie with a good long-distance plan.

Monsters may scare the pants off me – Is that too obvious of a double entendre? – yet they still wind up with the starring roles in my sexual fantasies. With popular cultures’ obsession with monsters who have sex appeal, I think it’s totally reasonable to feel attracted to them. And anyway, it’s not like I want to sleep with a Xenomorph… Now that would be too weird.

Huge special thank you to the amazing Nic Orme for illustrating the monster pictures featured in this blog.

So blog readers, which supernatural monsters do you have sexual fantasies about? Feel free to post your thoughts in the comment section below. You can read more contributions by Kell and our other bloggers by clicking on the blogs category at the top.

Meet all the other members of the SFX blogging crew here .