I don't want to alarm you, but I may have stumbled onto something huge. Contained in the following slides is secret information about the locations and plot points chosen for Kingdom Hearts 3. I'm totally serious. You may have thought Frozen or Toy Story were on the short list for the next game, but it turns out you were wrong. Disney and Square-Enix are taking a wildly different approach, and have selected a more... unexpected lineup of feature films.
I guess now would be a good time to put out a spoiler warning for Kingdom Hearts 3. If you want to go into the game fresh, don't click ahead. Otherwise, proceed with confidence knowing that I didn't totally make these all up one afternoon after finishing Kingdom Hearts 2 HD. Because that's absolutely not what happened. Not even a little bit.
The Brave Little Toaster
The Brave Little Toaster tells the story of five household appliances searching for their owner. Sora (now a talking coffee maker), Donald (a hair dryer), and Goofy (a waffle iron) join them along the way. Together, they sing songs and learn many valuable lessons about the inevitability of death and how we all must come to terms with our own mortality. When the journey is over, Sora and friends depart with a more enlightened - and fatalistic - outlook on life. Donald continually questions whether this was suitable for a children's movie.
Home on the Range
Saddle up for adventure, as Sora, Donald, and Goofy ride into one of the biggest Disney disappointments this side of The Black Cauldron. The idyllic Patch of Heaven ranch is going up for auction unless Sora and a bunch of talking cows can save it. For the purposes of physical comedy, all the animals apparently know kung-fu, and use it to whoop up on the Heartless and several nameless bandits. At first everyone finds this hilarious, but after an hour they all just want it to be over. The gang bugs out halfway through in search of greener pastures.
Mars Needs Moms
Moms. What a waste, am I right? They're always making you do chores and homework and other non-video-game-related activities. Nine-year-old Milo knows what I'm talking about. That is, until his mom gets abducted by Martians for some implausible reason. This sets Milo on a journey to learn the true value of his mother - well, until Sora and the gang show up. See, Sora spent most of his adolescence just doing whatever he wants, when he wants, with next-to-zero acknowledgement of any lame parents. Milo quickly follows in his footsteps, and the two end up having a wild, consequence-free party on Mars.
National Treasure
Benjamin Franklin Gates (Nicolas Cage) needs all the help he can get finding a cache of treasure secreted away by America's forefathers. Luckily, Sora, Donald, and Goofy are on the scene. Together, they hatch an impossible scheme to steal the Declaration of Independence before the Heartless can get to it. At one point someone rolls up the Declaration and sticks it in a poster tube because that happened in the movie and is totally a thing that would work. Then it turns out the Declaration is an ancient map of some sort and the whole plot flies off the rails. Meanwhile, the FBI scrambles to uncover how a cartoon boy, duck, and dog are able to exist in the real world.
Bears
Taking a break from all the hustle and bustle of saving the Disney universe, Sora and his pals decide to take a camping trip in the Alaskan wilderness. There, they run into a pack of freaking bears. Not happy, animated, talking bears - actual bears. Ever the optimist, Sora attempts to pal around with the animals, but they chase him and his friends up into a tree. The bears then feast on all of the party's potions and ethers before returning to the forest once more. Sometime later, a park ranger stops by and reprimands the group for not properly storing their food.
Jungle 2 Jungle
When New York City businessman Michael Cromwell (Tim Allen) arrives on a remote island in Venezuela, a hilarious turn of events leads him to believe Sora is his long-lost son. Sora plays along, desperate to have a father figure in his life. The pair return to The Big Apple, where Michael shows his "son" the ins-and-outs of the big city. They hail taxi cabs, catch a Broadway show, and even get mugged in Central Park at 2 AM. Finally, the pair returns to the island and the truth comes out. Sora gives an innocent shrug of the shoulders and everyone laughs it off because the writers didn't know how to end the scene.
Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3: Viva La Fiesta!
When Sora and company arrive in Beverly Hills they are horrified to learn that a bunch of adults decided to make three freaking movies about talking chihuahuas. This revelation sends them on an introspective journey to find meaning in a world where people actually pay money to see this mess. Eventually the Heartless show up and wreck the place, but the heroes just let it happen. As this is happening, the chihuahuas all stand around and shake a lot, but no one is sure whether it's because they're scared or because they're just chihuahuas.
The inevitable Star Wars/Avengers crossover
It hasn't happened yet, but sometime between now and KH3's release, Disney will decide "screw it" and go all-in on a massive crossover movie whose budget could finance a nation. We see Thor shooting lightning at Tie Fighters, Hawkeye faces off again Boba Fett, and Tony Stark shares a beer with Han Solo. Also, all the Organization XIII members come back for precisely no reason. The sheer amount of nerd pandering on display reaches the tipping point when Sora and the boys show up, causing the whole thing to collapse in on itself, forming a black hole that eats all life in the universe.
Saving Mr. Banks
After the disastrous Star Wars/Avengers incident, our heroes find themselves transported to the magical realm of 1960s Los Angeles, where Walt Disney himself is taking Mary Poppins author Pamela Travers on a tour of Disneyland. However, the Heartless are working behind the scenes to spoil their special day. By ensuring everything runs smoothly, Donald and Goofy negotiate with Walt to restore the Disney universe, and Sora gets a bit part in the Mary Poppins motion picture. Elsewhere, the real Walt Disney rolls over in his grave.
Disney magic
So there you have it, the secret movie lineup for Kingdom Hearts 3. I'm sure you all are just as shocked now as I was when I heard the news. Which world are you most excited to visit? I'm all about The Brave Little Toaster. I hope they keep the scene where the scared little blender gets casually dissected by the parts store owner. What a magical film.
If you're looking for some real information about Kingdom Hearts then make sure you look up Kingdom Hearts history - One of gaming's most complicated stories explained and 7 ways Kingdom Hearts is exactly like Star Wars.
