The Top 7... things gamers love to hate

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The gaming trends we all love to constantly complain about

All of it’s a massive swindle. It doesn’t matter how it’s priced, how close to the original game it’s released or what if offers; every bit of DLC is a big, fat con. In only semi twisted gamer logic, every bit of additional post-release content should be free and given to us with a huge, pink bow around it. From Oblivion’s Horse Armour, Modern Warfare 2’s Stimulus Package, to Resi 5’s Versus Mode; it’s all been designed to prize valued pennies from gamers’ malnourished wallets.


Above: The man knows a hell of a deal when he sees one

If there’s one insurmountable truth in video games, it’s that Goldeneye is the only decent movie tie-in ever. But what abou… shut up! Don’t force us to put our finger in our ears and loudly hum the music from the opening dam level. All gamers know any titles with even the most miniscule whiff of movie about them automatically suck the big one. Games and films shouldn’t mix. Any gamer will tell you they’re like two unmixable… eh, things. Like oil and water or some shit.


Above: Chimp knows the score. Everything other than Goldeneye blows

No gamer wants them to be good anyway. Our media has always been viewed as the dim-witted second cousin to cinema, that’s forced to live in the attic and eat fish heads. We don’t need their pity. Movies suck anyway. Fixed camera angles, the fact we can’t skip the cutscenes or earn achievements for watching them; games are better off pretending they don’t exist.


Above: Where, indeed

Morons the lot of them. What the hell do they know? All they do is stick their beaks into our game-related business, where it sure as hell doesn’t belong. Hardcore gamers don’t want to listen to their significant others tell them how their day was. For Gordon Freeman’s sake! Can’t you see we’ve got a bloody whiny RPG character to level up? Worse, when they try and encroach on our fun by joining in, they never know the shitting buttons, meaning we have to explain it to them while a bunch of terrorists are shooting our soldier’s spleen to pieces.


Above: When will our significant others' learn? We don't give a fish's tit

Honestly, you’d think they were harmlessly trying to bond with us and show a genuine interest in what’s clearly a beloved passion. What a bunch of dicks. Hard-working gamers shouldn’t have to put up with this kind of nonsense. If it was up to us, every non gamer would be slapped with a 14 mile restraining order, keeping them away from every game and console in history at all times. The punishment for breach of this reasonable request? Instant death by 600 tarantula bites. It’s only fair after they caused us to bugger up that jump.


Above: Just punishment

David Meikleham
David Meikleham
Google AMP Stories Editor

David has worked for Future under many guises, including for GamesRadar+ and the Official Xbox Magazine. He is currently the Google Stories Editor for GamesRadar and PC Gamer, which sees him making daily video Stories content for both websites. David also regularly writes features, guides, and reviews for both brands too.