The Top 7... things gamers love to hate

All of it’s a massive swindle. It doesn’t matter how it’s priced, how close to the original game it’s released or what if offers; every bit of DLC is a big, fat con. In only semi twisted gamer logic, every bit of additional post-release content should be free and given to us with a huge, pink bow around it. From Oblivion’s Horse Armour, Modern Warfare 2’s Stimulus Package, to Resi 5’s Versus Mode; it’s all been designed to prize valued pennies from gamers’ malnourished wallets.

Above: Won't someone think of the penny-pinchers?!

How dare that game developer try to charge for something they and its team may have been working on for months. It should have been included in the main game. Screw the fact they’re not forcing anyone to actually buy this content. All DLC represents an affront to every gamer who’s ever coughed up 50 big ones for a title, only to find they’ll have to spend an extra two notes to get a shiny new pair of undercrackers for their favourite character. Man, what a scam. What do they think this is? Some sort of market based on supply and demand?

Above: The man knows a hell of a deal when he sees one

If there’s one insurmountable truth in video games, it’s that Goldeneye is the only decent movie tie-in ever. But what abou… shut up! Don’t force us to put our finger in our ears and loudly hum the music from the opening dam level. All gamers know any titles with even the most miniscule whiff of movie about them automatically suck the big one. Games and films shouldn’t mix. Any gamer will tell you they’re like two unmixable… eh, things. Like oil and water or some shit.

Above: Chimp knows the score. Everything other than Goldeneye blows

No gamer wants them to be good anyway. Our media has always been viewed as the dim-witted second cousin to cinema, that’s forced to live in the attic and eat fish heads. We don’t need their pity. Movies suck anyway. Fixed camera angles, the fact we can’t skip the cutscenes or earn achievements for watching them; games are better off pretending they don’t exist.

Above: Where, indeed

Morons the lot of them. What the hell do they know? All they do is stick their beaks into our game-related business, where it sure as hell doesn’t belong. Hardcore gamers don’t want to listen to their significant others tell them how their day was. For Gordon Freeman’s sake! Can’t you see we’ve got a bloody whiny RPG character to level up? Worse, when they try and encroach on our fun by joining in, they never know the shitting buttons, meaning we have to explain it to them while a bunch of terrorists are shooting our soldier’s spleen to pieces.

Above: When will our significant others' learn? We don't give a fish's tit

Honestly, you’d think they were harmlessly trying to bond with us and show a genuine interest in what’s clearly a beloved passion. What a bunch of dicks. Hard-working gamers shouldn’t have to put up with this kind of nonsense. If it was up to us, every non gamer would be slapped with a 14 mile restraining order, keeping them away from every game and console in history at all times. The punishment for breach of this reasonable request? Instant death by 600 tarantula bites. It’s only fair after they caused us to bugger up that jump.

Above: Just punishment