The Top 7... things gamers love to hate

Here’s a tip: f*ck off and die. That should pretty much sum up how the hardcore community feel about their uninformed, Wiimote-waving neighbours. Put simply, they’ve got no business invading our cherished hobby. Well, that’s the argument any self-respecting gamer worth their 50, 000 GamerScore says. Whether they’ve got good intentions or not, they’re interfering in our beloved industry, and ruining it as a consequence.

Above: They've got it coming

But they’re bringing much needed money into the games market, which can subsequently be used by publishers to invest in bolder, thought provoking fare. Pah! What a stupid argument. Just the sort of mindless crap we’d expect a non gamer to spout. They might not be actively threatening our pastime just now. But give these bastards and inch and suddenly there’ll be a government law enforced by pepper spray, forcing us all to play Wii Imagine Baby Racquetball for 35 hours a week.

Above: Better keep on gaming, gran

1. Uwe Boll movies

He’s evil we tells ya! Evil! Seriously, listen to average Joe Gamer on the street and they’ll say poor old Uwe ranks somewhere between Hitler and that dude who smokes in the X Files as the most evil man in the history of things. It doesn’t matter if we’ve seen any of his movies. There’s no need to waste time watching them and forming an opinion for ourselves. The whole of the internet says he and his films are shit. Go against that collective logic and angry gamers with film degrees will hunt us down, force us to watch Citizen Kane, make us write an essay about it, then shoot us dead.

Above: Boll keeps good company

Just look at the interactive works of art he’s mangled beyond recognition. The House of the Dead. Far Cry. Postal! The calibre of these games’ narratives deserve movie adaptations penned by David Mamet and directed by Marty Scorsese. And just look at the actors’ careers he’s forever sullied by employing them in his vapid trash. Michael Madsen’s career may never be the same again. But for God’s sake, don’t whisper a syllable of discontent towards the hulking German artisan. We hear he’sa bit handy with his fists.

Above: You might think his films are shit, but do you have the guts to put your uppercuts where your mouth is?

Mar 22, 2010

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