The Evolution Of Kristen Stewart

Iddy biddy Kristen was only eleven when she featured in her debut film.

Adapted from a collection of short stories by A. M. Homes, The Safety Of Objects follows four overlapping narratives all about suburban families suffering various misfortunes and complaining a lot.

Stewart’s character, Sam, didn’t even exist in the books. Luckily for Stewart, was written in, launching her career, snowball-like, into the arms of David Fincher…

If you saw Panic room when it was released seven years ago, you might now be thinking, “who was that bright young lad who played Jodie Foster’s diabetic son?”

Yeah, no, that was Kristen. Yes, really.

She plays Sarah Altman, Foster’s daughter, who, whilst hiding from armed burglars, crashes with hypoglycaemia. Sod’s bloody law!

Jodie Foster, too, is probably definitely 100% female.

Blah blah blah, city family, blah blah, move to abandoned old country house, blah blah, spooky past residents etc. Cold Creek Manor was everything you’d expect from a generic, cliché-ridden thriller – and less.

Which is sad considering it was made with a pretty good cast, by a pretty good filmmaker, on a pretty good budget.

Kristen is still young enough to wear a bikini and for it not to be a sexy thing.

In Speak , Stewart plays the role she knows best – the sulky teenager.

That’s probably a weak criticism, seeing as most of her movie career has taken place over the course of her adolescence. But, she is really, really good at playing a sulky teenager.

It might be something to do with the jaw. It’s all slack. Close your friggin’ mouth, woman!

In this film, she does have a pretty good reason to be sulky, being a victim of rape n such. So… er, no jokes there. Soz.

In the tradition of Spy Kids , Agent Cody Banks and, uh, Spy Kids 3D , Catch That Kid is a fun mixture of cartoonish fantasy and action thriller, all under the warm and fuzzy kiddy flick umbrella.

Kristen is Maddy, the ring-leader, the object of the other kids’ affections.

It’s entertaining enough, though is one of those odd examples of a (recent) foreign-language film re-made by Hollywood (ie. The Grudge , The Ring , and, in case you were blissfully ignorant to its production, Steven Speilberg’s Oldboy , which will star Will Smith. Hmm).

There is a tribe in South America called the ‘Iskanani’, or ‘Fierce People’. Unfortunately, the film doesn’t centre around those fierce people.

Fortunately, though, it’s headed by some really cool people, including Diane Lane and Donald Sutherland.

Kristen plays Maya, granddaughter of Sutherland’s billionaire Ogden C. Osbourne.

If you don’t remember it, that’s probably because you didn’t see it – not many people did. It had a limited release and only made a few quids at the Box Office.

In The Land Of Women is a sort of coming-of-age drama, which features Adam Brody (the OC’s heart-throb) as Carter, a man surrounded by lots of temperamental, moody women.

One of these moody women is Stewart’s Lucy, who asks Carter on a date, at her mother’s request. Bit weird.

Weirder still is that her mum ends up getting off with Carter and then gets her knickers in a twist when she sees him kissing Lucy.

Make up your mind, woman! And pull yourself together!

Blah blah blah, city family, blah blah, move to abandoned old country house, blah blah, spooky past residents etc.

Kristen plays pretty much the same character in The Messengers as she did in Cold Creek Manor .

We’re beginning to wonder whether or not Kristen Stewart’s acting method is actually nothing more than her ability to be Kristen Stewart over and over again in different unfortunate situations.

Anyhow, this time, Kristen Stewart’s called Jess, and she’s pursued by a homicidal maniac.

As Mary Stuart Masterson’s directorial debut, The Cake Eaters did pretty well with the critics.

It’s an indie-drama which touches upon some delicate subjects. A son returns home, after having spent a while pursing a rock career, to discover that he’s missed his mother’s funeral and that his high school sweetheart has settled down with a family of her own.

It’s a slightly weightier role for Stewart, whose character is terminally ill.

And she does look very poorly. She could really do with eating some cake.

Perhaps one of the more significant films in Stewart’s limited filmography, Into The Wild recounts the true story of Christopher “Alexander Supertramp” McCandless (played by Emile Hirsch).

Disenchanted by the trappings of materialism and modern society, Supertramp abandons money and possessions and spends the rest of his short life in the wilderness.

Stewart plays Tracy, a girl he meets along the way. Poor old Tracy falls in love with him but that boy just won’t be tied down.

Another excuse for Kristen to have a good old sulk.

After Into The Wild , Stewart had a couple of minor parts, including one in the comedy-drama What Just Happened .

She plays Zoe, the rapidly maturing daughter of Robert De Niro’s Hollywood producer.

It’s a tongue-in-cheek look at the cut-throat business of film production, and the crazy bubble Hollywood’s inhabitants exist within.

The role is too minor for Stewart to make any real impact, and presumably that’s why doesn’t make one.

They’re both so beautiful, and both so in love.

But their love is FORBIDDEN. It simply CANNOT BE. It goes against nature, society and science (well, vampire-movie science).

Some call it creativity, others entrepreneurship, though whatever it is, it’s undeniable that the makers of Twilight pushed all the right buttons in the big Hollywood fruit machine, and hit the jackpot.

Kristen Stewart plays Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan, adequately slack-jawed and sullen to convince us that she can be sulky AND pretty at the same time.

Roll on New Moon...