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Scriptease: Heroes Season One

New weekly feature for Tuesdays. The Reduced SFX Company presents a five-minute script covering everything you need to know about Heroes season one


Season One

A bunch of mutants out to save the world/rule the world embark upon their individual quests to, uh, save the world/rule the world.

A CHEERLEADER lies dead, covered in blood. Except it hasn’t happened yet; it’s only ISAAC MENDEZ having a VISION. Because he doesn’t like his VISIONS very much, he soon goes crazy and PAINTS ALL OVER THE GODDAMN PLACE.

Followed by

After discovering he can stop time because he is a MUTANT, HIRO NAKAMURA looks sad when nobody appreciates him. His friend ANDO MASAHASHI looks surprised at EVERYTHING HIRO SAYS OR DOES.

HIRO : Save the cheerleader, save the world! ANDO [LOOKS SURPRISED]: Okay!

Elsewhere, cheerleader CLAIRE BENNET moans about her life to her friend JOHN CONNOR and then does something behind the back of her EVIL BESPECTACLED FATHER WITH NO NAME which we know will upset his MYSTERIOUS BOSSES.

CLAIRE : I want a normal life! JOHN CONNOR : But you can heal yourself! You’re not normal! Hang on, I’m off to fight a Terminator. BRB.

MOHINDER SURESH puzzles over lots of genetic stuff we’re far too stupid to understand but which looks pretty on his computer screen. Somewhere else, NIKI SANDERS struggles to control the WOMAN WHO TALKS TO HER IN MIRRORS, which is a big problem because to look so amazing she has to spend A LOT OF TIME looking in mirrors putting on her makeup and doing her hair. Her son MICAH worries about her, but seeing as he is too cute to be real he must also be part of her imagination and thus WE DON’T CARE ABOUT HIM.

NIKI : Leave me alone, evil twin! MICAH : I can talk to computers and I’m too wise for my years! JESSICA : I’m much hotter than you, good twin! NIKI : Get out of my head, both of you!

PETER PETRELLI tells his brother NATHAN that he loves him but can’t condone anything he does, like, ever, before flicking his FLOPPY FRINGE out of his eyes. Meanwhile NATHAN is evil, although he’s really a nice man underneath all that political ambition and secret mutant ability schtick. ALLEGEDLY.

NATHAN : I love you, Peter. PETER : I love you too, but you are power-crazed and do everything Mom tells you to do and you don’t have an awesome floppy fringe like me. NATHAN : You’re American – aren’t you supposed to say ‘bangs’ instead of ‘fringe’? PETER : I can fly! Wheeeeeee!

CLAIRE injures herself in a horribly gory way, but it’s okay because she HEALS HERSELF WITH LOTS OF GRUESOME POPPING BONE NOISES. Meanwhile, her mother SANDRA is totally oblivious and unhealthily obsessed with her dog, MR MUGGLES, while her BROTHER, uh, WHATEVER-HE’S-CALLED, does sod-all. Somewhere in America, HIRO and ANDO are desperate to find and save CLAIRE and get up to all sorts of larks which are utterly ludicrous, including HIRO falling in love with a MUTANT WAITRESS who then dies because the plot demands HIRO be sad like a puppy.

HIRO : The love of my life died. I am sad. ANDO [LOOKS SURPRISED]: Okay!

SPOCK SYLAR kills a lot of people to the sound of CLOCKS TICKING and totally steals the show from EVERYBODY ELSE.

SYLAR : Are you watching, JJ?

The CHEERLEADER is supposed to die, but doesn’t really. PETER turns into a giant sponge of superpowers and is supposed to BLOW UP NEW YORK, but he doesn’t.

NATHAN : I will save you, proving that I am really a good guy! PETER : I love you, Nathan, even if you don’t have great hair like mine. Hang on, I think I’m gonna–

PETER EXPLODES. Disappointingly.

THE VIEWERS think to themselves, “We’ll let Heroes off because it was great right up until the finale, so maybe it will get better in season two.” THE VIEWERS are WRONG.