We need to sell lots of toys! On the planet of Eternia, camp beefcake PRINCE ADAM whiles away the days playing with his tiger, irritating his trainer TEELA and upsetting his father KING RANDOR with the whole marriage issue. But unbeknownst to them, Prince Adam lives a secret double life! As HE-MAN protector of CASTLE GRAYSKULL , he is bound to defend a large plastic playset against legions of muscle-bound morons intent on usurping its power. These cyborgs, mutants, and traitors are led by the evil SKELETOR , who is almost identical to HE-MAN , (this could be because he is Prince Adam’s LONG LOST UNCLE KELDOR ), but it’s really because he’s been cast from the same toy mould and painted a different colour), except he has a SKULL for his FACE!
[NOTE TO PRODUCERS Yeah, I know there’s that minicomics series with the toys, but this is way better. We’re going to rake it in].
Opening monologue [LONG TO SAVE ON ANIMATION COSTS]
VOICE: HE MAN!
Prince Adam: Hi, I am Adam, Prince of Eternia and defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull, and when I’m not pumping iron with my boy buddies or out clubbing at the Manzone…
Prince Adam: …I like to wear this tight fitting pink shirt and goof off with my pussy Cringer. But I have a secret, no, not that one, Mom’s fine with that. She always wanted a daughter, ironically my real sister will show up later when sales begin to flag. Anyway, fabulous powers were revealed to me when I held aloft my power sword and said ‘BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL, I HAVE THE POWER’ CRINGER became the mighty BATTLECAT , and I became HE-MAN , the MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE UNIVERSE and barbarian leatherwear model. Only three friends share this secret, our friends the SORCERESS , who is also a bird, MAN-AT-ARMS , who also knows my, ahem, other secret, and ORKO , who is the comic relief. Together we defend CASTLE GRAYSKULL from the EVIL FORCES OF SKELETOR .
VOICE: HE MAN!
[NOTE TO PRODUCERS: MUSIC SHOULD BE TRUMPETING WITH A THUMPING BASELINE, BUT HAVE THE BAND RECORD IT DOWN A WELL. A VOICE SHOULD SAY ‘HE-MAN!’ AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE]
[ESPECIALLY AFTER EVERY AD BREAK]
ADAM is sparring with TEELA [like all the women in the show, she’s kind of frosty but sexy, lots of leg, sex boots, thrust out bosom. Imagine finding out your maths teacher moonlights as a dominatrix]. TEELA throws ADAM to the FLOOR.
Teela: You are hopeless Adam, how will you live up to your responsibilities as defender of Eternia if you cannot fight?
Adam: There is more to responsibility than force alone.
Teela: If only you were like He-Man! I know you look like him, have the same voice, are as ludicrously muscle bound, possess similar pets and even share the same awful hairdresser, but you’re such a girl. He’s a real man.
Adam: He’s not interested Teela, trust me.
Adam [internal monologue]: If only she knew the truth! At least her father, um, understands.
TEELA’S FATHER, ADAM’S ‘ MENTOR’ and maker of amazing weapons, MAN-AT-ARMS enters the training ground, accompanied by some of his amazing cyborg creations. Like the others, he doesn’t move much so we can keep the animation to a minimum.
Adam: Aha! It is Man-at-Arms, Teela’s father, my ‘mentor’ and maker of amazing weapons! Hi there, big fella.
Man-At-arms: There’s no time for that, Adam. Skeletor is sure to try to kidnap visiting princess Panzy and seize the power of her fantastical Discount Fancy Egg!
Mekaneck: I shall extend my extendible neck to see over the walls and spy any threats!
[Extends neck, insert stock sound-effect #87 here please].
Mekaneck: Nothing there!
[SSE#23, the one that goes ‘boing’]
Mekaneck: Ow, oh no, crick, crick!
Teela: Dad, are you sure they’re up to the job?
Clamp Champ: I’m a champing at the clamp! [Clangs his clamp-hand jaws]
Rotar: Whizz! [Spins round]
Enter ORKO , a tiny extra-dimensional wizard of great incompetence. He looks like SATAN’S TEACOSY. There’s no toy for him, so get cracking, Mattel.
Orko [high, irritating voice]: He-Ma… I mean, Adam, Man-At-Arms, Teela, random rubbish cyborg warriors, Panzy has been kidnapped! Evil-Lyn snatched her and the Discount Fancy Egg!
Teela: Orko, why are you covered in horseshit?
Orko: I was trying to impress Panzy… I know I am the comic relief, but I like tall chicks, leatherwear and boots. Then my magic backfired and she laughed!
Adam: Ha ha ha! Orko is covered in horseshit.
Man-at-arms et al [NOTE TO ANIMATORS minimum chest heave #6 to denote laughing]: Ha ha ha!
Man at arms: Teela, why don’t you go down to the gates and rally the guard, I’ll stay here and… talk, with Adam.
VOICE: HE- MAN!
MAN AT ARMS places ‘fatherly’ hand on ADAM ’S shoulder. TEELA leaves.
Man at arms: Why don’t you [suggestive moustache twitch] change?
Adam: What, now? Into the tutu? People will see!
Man at arms: Not that!
Adam: Oh, right!
ADAM holds aloft a sword that comes from nowhere.
Adam: BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!!! [Yadda, yadda, insert transformation sequence].
We are within the dark halls of SNAKE MOUNTAIN . This is another PLAYSET, a mountain, shaped like a snake. [NOTE TO ANIMATORS do not populate it with whimsical leprechaun bullshit this week, or you are all FIRED. I would have thought you’d have recovered from the 60s by now] Within, SKELETOR sits enthroned upon his might THRONE , the very embodiment of EVIL ! He is flanked by BEASTMAN and MER-MAN . He torments Princess PANZY [NOTE TO ANIMATORS head#3 on body #4, easy on the thigh boots, colour scheme at your discretion].
Skeletor: Nya-ha-ha! Come, come my pretty, reveal your secrets to me, Skeletor!
Princess Panzy: Um, why?
Skeletor: Nya-ha-ha! Why, my feisty one, with it I will enslave the local ape-men, and use them as an army to conquer Castle Grayskull. Then I will become Master of the Universe! Nya-ha-ha!
Skeletor: Nya-ha… Sorry?
Panzy: What are you going to do about it?.
MER-MAN looks surprised, but then he always looks surprised.
HE-MAN and MAN-AT-ARMS are in the ATTACK TRAK , a huge tank that bears no resemblance to the toy it represents. They keep going past the same rock formations.
He-Man: No honestly, I think the ’tache really suits you.
Man-at-arms: Oh, stop it you.
He-Man: Aha! We are there! Let us not use our super-futuristic tank’s weaponry to destroy Skeletor, but instead get out and leap over the walls!
SNAKE MOUNTAIN interior. SKELETOR has his head in his hands.
Skeletor: And then my mother threw me out because I was messing with magic, and my brother gets to be king, but we’ll never find that out in this series!
Panzy: Poor you.
Skeletor: Do you think I’m too blue? Honestly? I’ve got good cheekbones. Blue’s cute, right? I’m only blue because there’s no bloody heating in this castle… I just want to be loved.
Beastman: He-Man is here!
Skeletor: Nyargh! Activate the Discount Fancy Egg!
Panzy: Oh, alright.
SNAKE MOUNTAIN exterior. HE-MAN stands before the walls.
He-Man: Give up Skeletor, or we’ll turn your fortress into toothpicks!
Skeletor [shaking fist]: Nya-ha-haaarrrrrrrr. Try it fool! You’re nothing! Why, even your stupid cat hasn’t got a lovely velveteen finish like my own Panthor. Nya-ha-ha! Look at those stupid furry pants!
He-Man [to camera]: These aren’t pants. My bikini line has just got away from me. Ahem. For Eternia and Grayskull!
HE-MAN leaps the wall.
He-man: Mind if I drop in?
Skeletor: Ape-men get them!
He-Man: [to ape-man]: That club would make a fine back scratcher!
HE-MAN dunks the APE-MAN into a horse trough.
He-Man: That’ll cool him off!
And so on. SKELETOR’S entire force are dispatched in various non-lethal ways to accompanying quips. HE-MAN and SKELETOR put away all their actual weapons and spend four minutes hurling rocks at each other. HE-MAN misses, but uses a power sword blast to bring down part of SNAKE MOUNTAIN on the Discount Fancy Egg. The remaining ape-men flee. HE-MAN put his sword away, rather than cutting SKELETOR’S head off.
Skeletor: Curse you He-Man!
SKELETOR escapes. Cue moral music lead out.
He-Man: This week we learned that if you’re a tiny blue elf from another dimension, it’s best not to try and punch above your weight with the ladies, no matter how enticing you find provocatively dressed princesses. There are plenty of other unattractive comic relief people out there, and if you don’t take notice of them, well, you might just end up smelling of horseshit.
Script by Guy Haley