We've all been there. You've loaned something to a friend and it's been just long enough that you're worried they've forgotten to return it, but you're also worried that asking for it back now will come across as rude.
An Old School RuneScape player recently faced this challenge in-game over a valuable item lent to their cousin. With help from the MMO community's brightest and calmest – who advised this player to simply "ruin" their cousin's life because this item is "more important than his dumbass child" – he tells me he's just barely avoided needing to "literally murder my cousin in front of his family at Thanksgiving," and instead forged a family heirloom which will be passed down for generations to come.
A few days ago, Reddit user MethIsntCool (who I'm going to call MIC) shared their plight with the OSRS community. "My cousin stole my Kodai Wand," he said. "How can I ask for it back without starting family drama?"
A Kodai Wand is a valuable weapon used for spellcasting, worth about 96 million gold at the time of writing – peanuts to some players, but a sizable fortune to others. MIC says he loaned his Kodai Wand to their cousin a few years ago when they understandably took a break from OSRS to focus on raising their first child. "As no one quits RuneScape forever, I made it clear I would want it back upon my return," they add, leaning into the 'no quitting, only long breaks' mentality that dominates the loyal OSRS community.
MIC has since returned to OSRS, having "tricked [his] wife into letting me be the stay at home parent," and run into a problem. "During my break, my cousin 'quit' the game… with my Kodai Wand still in his bank," he explains. "My cousin now has a child of his own, and wrongly believes RuneScape cannot be his priority anymore."
This left MIC with a quandary. "I will be seeing my cousin in person for Thanksgiving, and I am trying to think of a tactful way to ask for my Kodai Wand back. We are both grown-ass adults with families. How can I successfully pull him aside and ask this man to log into his childhood point-and-click game, navigate the two-factor authenticator he hasn't used in over a year, and buy membership so he can trade me my magic wand?"
The smoking wand
I realize this whole thing has been played up for laughs, but I do want to point out that forgetting about a wand in a video game amidst the rush of parenting doesn't amount to stealing something, especially when the owner hasn't even asked for it back yet. Besides, life isn't a sitcom and this seems like one of those things that could be settled with a simple "please" over a phone call or DM. Having faced similar conundrums in OSRS when I was a middle school student, I speak from experience. Thankfully, the MMO's famously diplomatic community was immensely helpful in navigating this exchange.
For example, the top reply to MIC's post, from GatoDiablo99, reckons he should simply, "Beat him the fuck up. Fuck that little punk. Get your shit back. Don’t be an adult about it. Cause havoc. Ruin his life. This is RuneScape. More important than his dumbass child."
"Finally, some level-headed advice," MIC replied.
BurlyGiraffe, meanwhile, advised playing "the long game." Why get the wand back now when you could simply befriend the cousin's kid, introduce them to OSRS once they're old enough for MMOs (a grave act of revenge in and of itself), have them earn enough gold to buy their own wand, and then ask to borrow their Kodai for a bit?
More seriously, users like SnackLife00 suggested avoiding the hurdle of account membership by having the cousin sell the wand via the Grand Exchange markethouse to convert it to raw gold that can be traded back to MIC. Or, you know, MIC could buy their cousin a membership bond in the first place.
"This is the only reply you should look at," Rabbit730 said of the entirely reasonable response.
Agent of chaos lethalweapon12-3 disagreed: "Not true, he should ruin the evening and beat the piss out of his cousin."
MIC's post got quite a bit of attention in the OSRS subreddit, so this back-and-forth went on for several hundred replies. Miraculously, MIC returned two days later to confirm he'd actually gotten the Kodai Wand back. A screenshot of a trade with their cousin's account, which was held at a death volcano in the hazardous PvP Wilderness (presumably just for the atmosphere), sealed the deal.
UPDATE: Got my magic wand back. Thanks for all the advice, Reddit! from r/2007scape
"Thanks for all the advice, Reddit," he said. GatoDiablo99's inordinately violent approach even got a special shoutout. "Your comment pushed him over the edge for a peaceful transaction," MIC said. "But rest assured, I had been laying in bed thinking about how to ruin his life at Thanksgiving up until this point."
I reached out to MIC to talk through this fiasco. "The community was split on how I should handle it," he tells me. "Either literally murder my cousin in front of his family at Thanksgiving, or stop acting like a child and ask him like an adult. I definitely anticipated the conversation to be awkward, but he thought it was hilarious when I showed him the original Reddit post, so there was no need to 'ruin his life.' He was willing to log on briefly to buy a bond and trade me the wand."
Being a stay-at-home dad can be difficult, especially since I can't lactate
MethIsntCool
One thing I absolutely had to know was why the trade went down in the wilderness, like MIC and their cousin were trying to avoid the watchful eyes of society. The reason was unexpectedly wholesome.
"I chose the volcano because PKing in the Wilderness is the foundation of my relationship with my cousin and is the most nostalgic place for us. Instead of meeting him at the Grand Exchange, I had him trade me at the Wilderness volcano so the dopamine and nostalgia could seep back through his veins, in an attempt to lure him back into the game. It didn't work, but it was worth a try."
Now that MIC is back on OSRS – a "sobering" experience as a new parent since there's so "little time I can dedicate to the grind now" – he's soaking up the many substantial updates that developer Jagex has made to the MMO during their absence.
"Nap times are critical for my XP gains," MIC says. "Being a stay-at-home dad can be difficult, especially since I can't lactate, but OSRS has been a great way to relieve some of the stress on the side. I wouldn't change a thing."
I ask if he still has the Kodai Wand or if he's sold it off to fund some adventures in the new content. He says "I feel like I can't ever sell the wand after all it's been through. It's an heirloom at this point, to hand down to generations."
The MMO's community was less, uh, kind when a Diablo 4 YouTuber had his $1,000+ OSRS hacked for 4.8 billion gold which was then restored by developer Jagex in a moment criticized for "streamer privilege."
