Interview: Bruno

With his distinctive dress sense and questionable parenting skills, Austrian fashion icon Bruno has set the movie-world alight with controversy recently.

Last month, Total Film sat down with him to disuss his new movie, the best (and worst) dressed stars in Hollywood and the political rammifications of anti-gay marriage ballot Proposition 8. Here's what he had to say.

So Brüno, do you have a message for Total Film’s gay community?

Be grateful zat you’re schniedelmeisters – remember, although it’s a minority, zere are lots of guys out zere who are straight – as many as one in 10 in parts of Northern England, I’ve been told.

Zese guys have never known ze joy of an überraschen shtupworst in ze schmutziger ausgang – zey don’t need to suffer heterophobia on top of zat. You are a reporter for Österreichischer Jungen-Rundfunk (Austrian Boys’ Broadcasting).

For our readers who may not know the station, who is your equivalent on British television?

Do you know, ich am really quite a shy guy, I don’t really like talking about myself – as ich have made very clear in all three of mein autobiographies, so I don’t really feel comfortable comparing meinself to other people.

Although ich am better looking, younger und more successful, you could compare me to Russell Brand – partly because ich am really witty and vear GRAZY clothes, but mainly because ich blew Andrew Sachs’ grandson in a hot tub at Amanda Holden’s puppy christening.

Austria is famous for Hitler, cellars and putting anti-freeze in white wine in 1985.

What are the good points?

Zese are good points! Let’s not forget zat Hitler vas responsible for probably ze most stylish uniform of ze past 500 years (apart from the Air Malaysia air stewards’ ones).

Even today, each year Vienna has a Fashion Week – zere’s alzo a Vienna Fascism Week, vhich is similar, just less schwartz models. Heather Mills goes to both of zem.

Und don’t knock ze millions of mein countrymen who follow ze Austrian Dream – ‘get a job, find a dungeon und raise a family in it’. Ich only discovered ze joys of being chained to a rack in a dungeon und shtupped senseless in my late teens – zat to me is a form of abuse!

As for ze anti-freeze in ze wine, anyone who doesn’t drink champagne or appletinis deserves to be poisoned.

Next: Fashion Power

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Fashion is your passion. How powerful can clothes be?

Let me give you some facts – not one single world war has EVER been started by a model (although Naomi has come close). If zere had been a Berlin Fashion Week in 1939, would WW2 have happened?

Ich don’t think so. Designers should be running ze vorld – did you know zat not one single suicide bomber has blown zemselves up vearing Marc Jacobs (three have vearing Vera Wang – zat’s understandable).

People should think abaus zat. You’ve talked about the glory of club music and its affect on the fall of Apartheid.

Have you ever thought about opening a disco out in Iraq? Or Burma? And don’t you find club music a bit repetitive?

Ich am currently doing a lot to help ze needy people in ze vorld – each year in Austria, on St Adolph’s Day, my programme Funkyzeit pays for 100 homeless people to have zeir teeth whitened und ve’re currently raising money to send Sammy Kassali, ze stylist of Ze Pussycat Dolls, to Darfur to give one lucky girl a super-sexy makeover.

No big deal, vassever. Ich vould love to open a club in Iraq, or any other country in ze Middle-earth – it’s mein background. I used to work at ze coolest club in Vienna – zat’s right, Klub Apartheid.

For ze first six months I vas one of the urinals then I vas promoted to doorman. Ich used to have ze most discriminatory door policy ever – on average, only 0.03 per cent of people in ze line would get in.

Next: Dictators

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Can a man ever wear a moustache and not be an evil dictator?

Zere are people who give ze moustache a bad name – Stalin, Einstein und Susan Boyle for example. Und zere are some people ich think would look great mit one.

I alvays imagine ze singer Pink mit a tache – ich don’t know why he’s never tried growing one? I’m not a fan of facial hair – mein body ist completely hairless. In fact I vas ze first Austrian ever to have chemo purely for hair-removal purposes.

A personal question perhaps, but have you always known you were gay? Have you ever been with a woman? And if you wanted to try it out, who would your ideal woman be?

Ich have alvays been incredibly fabulous – in ze very first ultrasound picture ever taken of me in mein mutter’s womb, you can clearly see zat I’d taken ze umbilical cord und wrapped it round my waste with a knot at ze side, like a Marc Jacobs snakeskin surpentine belt.

From ze minute I vas born, ich vas destined to be Brüno. Instead of drinking baby milk, ich used to snort ze powder. Most babies first vords are ‘mama’ or ‘dada’ – Brüno’s vere, ‘I’m gay – get uber it’.

Here’s an AMAZING fact about me – you won’t believe zis, but ich have never been a model!! I don’t think I could ever pass of as being straight – frankly I’m really not capable of dancing zat badly.

How well do you think Hollywood stars dress? Any celebs you think are well-dressed? Or shambolic?

Ich think ze best-dressed person in Hollywood ist Britney – you never know vhat look she vill dream up next – fat, bald, slutty, crazy – it’s so hard to keep up!

Ze worst-dressed person is Zac Efron. Ze only thing he’d look good wearing is Brüno’s thighs around his neck!

Next: Adoption

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In your new movie, you adopt a baby from Africa. Why did you choose to go that continent?

Schwartz babies are just übercool zis season – und as an accessory, zey are SO versatile and look good mit pretty much any outfit. Ich have heard zat next season, South American kids – especially little Brazilian street orphans – are going to be HOT HOT HOT!

Ze trouble is, vhat do you do mit the old babies vhen zey’re not cool any more? It’s not like a labradoodle, vhen ze problem can be solved mit a Louis Vuitton zip-up bag, a handful of rocks und ze river Danube.

Next: Barack Obama

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You travelled out to the US just as Barack Obama was heading for the White House. His election was a huge breakthrough for minorities in America. How hot is Barack?

Firstly, ich vant to say zay I find Obama an inspiration – it gives me hope zat, after years of struggle, someone can at last get to ze White House, despite being incredibly hot.

But he has GOT to lose America’s First Beard, Michelle! Shtop hanging round Barack! Firstly, he’s so HOT he makes you look frumpische und secondly just cos he had sex with you on two occasions 10 un eight years ago to further his career, it doesn’t mean you’re going to turn him.

Let him go! If he wanted a beard, he’d grow one!

But sadly, on the day of Obama’s election, Californians voted in favour of anti-gay marriage Proposition 8 – something you rallied against. What can Bruno do to change people’s opinions?

I have faith in the politicians to ultimately do ze right thing. Zere vas a time many years ago, when people laughed and said “Zis Austrian tough guy can never become a well loved and respected politician’, but Adolph proved zem wrong and so has Arnold Schwarzenegger!

Ich don’t think I could ever marry after vot happened to my first real boyfriend, Jesper Klindl. I really don’t want to talk about him, or what happened after ich broke up with him. He killed himself.

In ze note he left, ich vas mentioned five times – his mother vas only mentioned once! No big deal, vassever. Did I mention he killed himself because I dumped him? He said life vasn’t worth living mit out me, und he clearly meant it!

I remember his funeral – ich vore ze most AMAZING floral print shirt over zese BEAUTIFUL fawn buckskin hipster pants. I looked great!

While on the subject of politics, Arnold Schwarzenegger is a fellow countryman of yours, in power over in the USA. Is he a bit of a God in your country?

Arnie is highly respected in Austria, as is his brother Harald, who is one of Vienna’s most celebrated patisserie chefs. His zwetschgenfleck ist amazing und you’ve never tasted a cremeschnitte like his!

He makes only 18 cakes a year und zey cost 9,000 euros each. You can order what you like from him, but you won’t get it. P Diddy once ordered a Marillenknodel, and 18,000 euros and two months later he got a palatschinken!

Ich personally am hoping to become ze biggest gay Austrian celebrity since Arnold.

Next: Shag, Marry, Kill

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Brad Pitt. Johnny Depp. Tom Cruise. Who would you marry, shag or kill?

Ich am a Buddhist zis season, so I’m not into killing at ze moment. I explained I’m not into marriage before und I don’t vant to shag any of zem again as I’m back mit my boyfriend Diesel und am completely faithful (apart from blowjobs, obviously).

What’s the best season to be gay and what is the gayest thing you have ever done?

Ze best time to be gay ist summer of course – it’s time to go on gaycation! It vas on holiday zat ich met Diesel, in fact. Ich vas on holiday in French Polynesia, collecting shells on ze beach at sunset in a buckskin thong like zat guy from Ze Blue Lagoon, vhen I caught ze eye of a beautiful pygmy, who vorked at ze Shrager spatel

I vas staying at as an oilboy. It vas Diesel – within zwanzig minutes, he’d stolen mein heart, mein vallet und alzo ze contents of mein kugelsack!

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