Borderlands review: "A frenetic and disorderly shambles gamers are likely to loathe"

Thanks to Furiosa’s desolate sandscapes, Deadpool and Wolverine’s Void, and the decaying remains of Earth we saw in Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes, we have hardly been short of apocalyptic wastelands this summer. Whether we want one or not though, the video game adaptation Borderlands gives us another in junkyard planet Pandora – a dusty dumping ground for discarded garbage, mechanical detritus, and the dregs of galactic society.

Somewhere on this off-world 'shithole' lies a secret vault containing priceless artefacts left by a lost civilization of aliens. The quest to locate it, alas, is a tortuous and draining one that tests the viewer’s patience just as much as it squanders the talents of its slumming ensemble of A-listers. 

As bounty hunter Lilith, a soldier of fortune initially hired by corporate magnate Atlas (Edgar Ramírez) to rescue his kidnapped daughter Tiny Tina (Ariana Greenblatt), Cate Blanchett sports a crimson quiff, a gunslinger’s holster, and a permanent rictus of disdain. As reformed mercenary Roland, meanwhile, Kevin Hart strives with little success to reinvent himself as an ass-kicking action hero.

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Jamie Lee Curtis pops up along the way as an oddball 'xenoarchaeologist', while Jack Black literally phones it in as the voice of a hugely annoying robot named Claptrap. Try as they may, however, the chemistry that made Guardians of the Galaxy’s group of similarly mismatched misfits gel so entertainingly proves conspicuously and jarringly absent. 

This band of outlaws just aren’t much fun to be around, making it tough for us to care whether they prevail against Ramírez’s goons, Pandora’s beasties, or the Slipknot-masked crazies they encounter during a lengthy sojourn underground. And while Gina Gershon beguiles as Mae West-inspired nightclub owner Moxxi, she gets so little screen time it barely counts as a cameo.

Eli Roth’s caper has taken three years to reach us, had its reshoots entrusted to another director (Deadpool’s Tim Miller), and has a co-writer in Joe Crombie who appears to have no other credits. Small wonder it feels so messily chaotic, with cheap-looking FX and dodgy matte work adding to its woes. "Feel free to applaud" Hart quips at one point after driving an APC through the skull of a gargantuan, tentacled monster. Sorry Kevin, but the only applause Borderlands deserves is a slow handclap of derision.

Borderlands is released in UK cinemas on August 8 and in US theaters on August 9. 

For more, check out our guide to all the upcoming video game movies.