The (un)official movie of E3 2012
E3 is a big deal. The whole world watches it. The entire planets media descends upon it. People all over the globe view it with the baited breath usually reserved for a major sporting event. There are highs, there are lows, there are winners and there are losers. And above all, there is conflict and drama.
So we got thinking. If Hollywood is happy to make big summer action movies out of video games, why shouldnt it make one out of the worlds biggest video game trade show? And we realised. There is no reason. In fact E3 2012 would probably be the best summer blockbuster out this summer, if only someone would actually make it into one.
So we did. We cast all the major players with their perfect Hollywood equivalents, and we worked out the explosive plot. Over the following pages you will find that treatment. Studio execs and agents, we are free for lunch appointments as soon as youd like.
Played by: William Shatner
Because: Theyre both portly, jovial types with occasionally stilted dialogue delivery.
Main E3: The Movie plotline: A classic underdogs rise-to-glory tale detailing how, after years in the shadow of his master, Jack finally rises to take the stage from Kaz Hirai (possibly played by the bloke who played Kahn) for a whole press conference. There will be line-learning montages.
Played by: Tom Cruise
Because: Theyre both disturbingly perma-ecstatic men with blindingly bright perma-smiles.
Main E3: The Movie plotline: A classic dystopian sci-fi set-up, not dissimilar to Cruises Minority Report, as Don tries to enforce worldwide adoption of all-seeing, all-hearing Kinect technology in order to spy on and control the worlds population.
Played by: Robin Williams
Because: In slightly different ways theyre both the father of Zelda. And its a Hollywood blockbuster, so why worry about visual suitability when theres a big name to be cast.
Main E3: The Movie plotline: Main E3: The Movie plotline: Miyamoto catches wind of Mattricks sinister scheme, and fearing a dark future in which the happy families of the world are reduced to the cold, unfeeling, disturbingly inhuman state of Xbox Avatars (Miis are completely different), he sets out to fight back with an army of red Pikmin and
Played by: The Rock
Because: Theyre both big, charismatic sons of bitches. The Rock is half black Nova Scotian, half Samoan, and Reggie is of Haitian descent. Thats near enough for Hollywood.
Main E3: The Movie plotline: Reggie and Miyamoto are basically the classic mismatched buddy action movie couple. Shigs is the quirky, wacky, idealistic, yet brilliant military strategist. Reggie is a blunt, aggressive, one-liner machine. But together they make one hell of a team.
Played by: Jeff Goldblum (Jurassic Park era)
Because: Jurassic Park Goldblum is the only man well-dressed and coolly odd enough to play Hideo Kojima.
Main E3: The Movie plotline: Basically the same as Jeffs in Jurassic Park. His role will consist of wandering around the show floor being enigmatic and aloof, while making cool, flippant, yet deeply insightful comments about the central battles main players. And obviously hell break the fourth wall whenever hes on-screen by frequently making these comments directly to the audience. In that respect hell be a bit like a Wes Anderson framing device too.
Played by: John Lithgow
Because: They look a bit like each other, and John Lithgow is awesome and hasnt been in anything big in ages.
Main E3: The Movie plotline: Guillemot is the classic trickster villain archytype. He operates outside of the central conflict, to the benefit of both his own wider agenda and simple self-amusement. Hes happy to see Nintendo and Microsoft occupy each other, knowing that their current struggle will all be for nothing if he chooses to simply wipe out the current console generation and usher in the next one. As he is more than capable of. And he just might. Just for a laugh. Or he might not. Who knows? Only Guillemot.
His machinations, while important, wont take centre-stage, but they probably will set up a big tease for next-years sequel, as he darkly muses over currently-impossible polygon counts in a secret post-credits scene.
Played by: Kim Kardashian
Because: Like many booth babes, Kim Kardashian is used to not having to be particularly convincing as long as she keeps looking good.
Main E3: The Movie plotline: Starts out working at Microsofts booth, but is eventually forced to question whether her PR lines are really right, true, and morally correct when she accidentally discovers that MS cheesy simulated family lifestyle actors are actually normal, innocent people, puppeteered on-stage by Don Mattrick using a prototype version of Kinects planned mind-control technology. Is eventually forced to choose a side, and leaks the information to Miyamoto and Reggie, leading into the big third-act face-off.
Played by: Lana Kane, her cartoon self from Archer
Because: Lana is already basically the exaggerated action-hero version of Aisha Tyler. And besides, what good is any big summer blockbuster without an animated secondary character? Just ask George Lucas. He knows.
Main E3: The Movie plotline: Being the strong, independent, burgeoning action-hero that she is, Lana decides that she doesnt need to co-host with anyone, breaks free of the limitations of her Ubisoft press conference gig and strides out onto the show floor to seek adventure. She runs into Booth Babe, who by that point is already on the run and being hunted by a horde of single-minded, unstoppable, Terminator-like Avatars. Realising that this is her chance to shine, she teams up with BB and together they fight their way to the Nintendo VIP area.
Played by: Kevin Bacon
Because: Kevin Bacon looks a bit like a smoother version of John Carmack. And he has experience of playing a highly-driven mad scientist by way of his role in Paul Verhoevens Hollow Man, so hes basically a perfect fit.
Main E3: The Movie plotline: He is to Miyamoto and Reggie as Q is to James Bond. As soon as he hears of how Microsoft are trying to use pioneering new technology (Carmacks favourite thing in the world) for evil instead of good, the console war gets personal, even for a staunch PC man like himself. Just as the odds inevitably begin to look insurmountable in the third act, he saves Nintendo from certain devastation by arming Shigs and Reg with a special Lawnmower Man-style upgrade of his new home-made virtual reality technology.
They use the helmets to enter cyberspace, or the mainframe, or the Matrix or some such thing, and lash out at the Avatar army by attacking its very code. It all goes a bit Rez for a while, the movies CG budget goes through the roof, and the studio gets an excuse to put the film out in 3D.
Played by: Will Smith
Because: Will Smith is the man who acts, sings and raps in Hollywood summer blockbusters. Its that simple.
Main E3: The Movie plotline: He doesnt do much, but needs to be in there so that he can rap over a cover of the Super Mario Bros. theme during the end credits, the single release of which will inevitably go to number one across the world and have its video clog up MTV until late September.
Played by: Himself
Because: He looks, sounds, and behaves exactly like Joe Montana.
Main E3: The Movie plotline: The same as at the real E3. Crowdpleasing celebrity cameo. Throws a ball during the final battle. Hits an Avatar. Hes basically the Tom Jones to E3: The Movies Mars Attacks!
Trey Parker and Matt Stone
Played by: Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson
Because: Theyre anarchic buddies who will happily derail someone elses carefully planned formal event in the name of fun. Which is basically Vaughn and Wilson in Wedding crashers.
Main E3: The Movie plotline: Comic relief. Theyll turn up every 20 minutes or so for a little self-contained scene in which they satirically mock something on the show floor. At the end theyll add a final insult to Don Mattricks defeat by telling him the Xbox was never as good as the Okama Gamesphere anyway. Roll credits, cue Will Smith.