What would happen if video game characters applied for real jobs?

Looking for a new career?

Unlike most adults in the modern world, very few video game characters actually work. Some claim to have jobs, but we rarely see them putting in a 9 to 5 shift. Despite regularly performing feats of intense courage of physical prowess, we doubt many characters would fare well in today's competitive job-market.

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Ethan Mars applies to be... a child carer

Ah, Ethan Mars--Heavy Rain's unlucky protagonist. After his promising career in architectural design fails (due to depression over the loss of his eldest son Jason) we imagine Ethan turning to a career in child care, probably driven by the immense guilt and trauma of the kidnapping of his youngest son, Shaun. Although past experience may count against Ethan, you can bet that his passion for protecting the children in his care--via self-harm if necessary--would play well with the interview panel. Because, er, you'd leave your kids with a man who cuts off his own finger with a pair of pliers, right?

Jason Brody applies to be... a holiday rep

We imagine J-Bro, the main dude from Far Cry 3, aiming for a career as a holiday rep. He clearly cares about the people he holidays with, and has proven himself capable of organizing events (such as the torching of drug fields and the extraction of prisoners). He also loves a drink and has a great rapport with the local people. The only potential snag with his application is his penchant for killing and skinning the local wildlife to make himself clothes.

Mario applies to be... an actual plumber

It's-a-him! Mario! Surely a man who already claims to be a plumber would find it easy to get work in real life--especially as plumbers are greatly in demand. Well... Mario doesn't actually do any plumbing in any of his games. Sure, he disappears down the odd pipe, but that hardly qualifies him to fix your dishwasher. We certainly wouldn't trust him with a plunger. Plus, he dresses like a plumber from a Disney cartoon set in the 60s.

Niko Bellic applies to be... a driving instructor

After a life of crime and war, we imagine Niko would want to settle down into a job in the auto industry. Given his love of cars, we think 'driving instructor' would be a nice fit. Niko has driven almost every vehicle in Liberty City, which would be a huge boost to his application, although his lack of a real driving license (or Work Visa for that matter) may count against him. Plus, we doubt a reference from his cousin would be very favorable.

Gordon Freeman applies to be... a physics teacher

Sure, he helped open up a dimensional rip, which saw the human race enslaved by the Combine, but we think Gordon Freeman would make an excellent Physics teacher. After all, with all his gadgets and gizmos he'd be able to make science fun, and could probably keep the body-count for each lesson relatively low. If anything, his knowledge of cutting-edge physics probably makes him over-qualified, but we suspect he'd welcome the quieter life.

Andrew Ryan applies to be... a town planner

Ah, now this is more like it. With his background in social engineering and management of a large corporation, we think BioShock's Andrew Ryan would make an ideal city planner at the local town council. Given his fondness for all things nautical, we reckon he'd be keen to work somewhere like Hull or Grimsby (both in the UK) and that he'd actively campaign for projects like libraries and local sports centers. In fact, we see him running for local government within a couple of years.

Solid Snake applies to be... a telesales marketer

With a strong background of endlessly yacking on to his Codec, we think Solid Snake would make a great telesales marketer. His proven ability to answer every question (or statement) with another question would see him become a great salesman, and enjoy a hearty bonus each month. The only potential problem might be if he starting bringing in reptiles as a packed lunch--that scares office folk.

Skills to pay the bills

Well there you have it. Proof* that most video game characters simply wouldn't survive in the real world. Most are just unsuited to regular jobs, so they should be thankful that their objectives mostly revolve around saving the world or rescuing the innocent. Want to see us create the CV for your favorite character? Let us know below... it's kind of our job.