Shall I compare thee to a GTA? Gaming icons share their 'hot' love letters and poems

Love is in the air, like a thousand tiny spores

Ah, Valentines Day. Where would true love be without an annual directive aimed at enforcing sweet, saccharine sentiment, whether the sickeningly, mutually smug targets can even be bothered getting involved or not? "I hate my significant other, but I'll be damned if I'm the one to break with tradition, even if that means engaging in a mutually destructive arms race to see who can gift the most useless tat. Can't I just put on a sultry Spanish accent and lounge around naked like last year? Surely that's treat enough?"

No you may not dear reader, no you may not. Thankfully for us real world types, video game creations are just as hopelessly screwed as we are. So desperate are they to not be run out of town on the nearest available railroad, like the rest of the stinking singletons - thereafter to be mulched into some sort of nutritious paste - that they must engage in all sorts of humiliating escapades in order to comply with calendar-sanctioned amour. Things like awful love letters and embarrassing romantic verse. So come along won't you, as we take a whistlestop tour of video gaming's greats, pouring out their hearts in the form of deliciously twisted poetry. Begin!

Metal Gear Solid - A sonnet from Snake

How solid was my snake,
When first I gazed upon thee.
A beguiling Russian fake,
I'd spotted from a tree.

A chest-bearing temptress,
Known far and wide.
As a golden-haired goddess
Who knew how to ride.

A motorcycle, that is you filthy old troll,
Eva my love you completed my soul.

Half-Life 2 - Freemanhood

Oh my dear Alyx,
I wish I could speak.
Without blurting out nonsense
In shrill girlish squeak.

And so here I stand, in customary silence,
To channel my rage through man-on-bug violence.

God of War - God's gift

Attention wenches,
And listen up ladies.
The fates have foretold,
And I'm hotter than Hades.

Stronger, faster,
More macho than Conan.
This Spartan ghost
Aint wearin' no Trojan.

Love is a battlefield, so I'm callin' a truce,
Craving your lovin and calling out ZEUUUUUUS!!!!!

Hitman - Heartache for Hitman

What kind of hitman
Can't hit on men?
I gatecrash the parties
And dress up like them.

Barcode me a coward
And brand me a fake.
I'd have to brandish a bat,
Just to land me a date.

They sit and they mock me with every last breath.
They'd soon as buy me a drink as fake their own death.

Grand Theft Auto 5 - Shall i compare thee to a GTA?

The nombre's Trevor,
And you'll think I'm a hick
For beating up bikers,
And tugging my dick
ensian trailer all through the state.
You think it's a dump,
but I think it's great.

So wadda ya say?
Let's hook up at once.
Don't ask my friends,
Or they'll say I'm a nonse
nsical dreamer
With my head in the clouds.
Take you up to the mountains, and away from the crowds

Excuse me now, dolls, I don't mean to gloat.
Just pass me that mike, so I can rip out his throat.

Halo - Rampant Love

Cute and caring,
Those are my quirks.
Occasionally mental,
But we'll make it work.

But not to the people,
That won't do at all.
I'll rip off your helmet,
During freefall.

So as you cry out for air, facing the end,
Remember this Chief; I could've been your girlfriend

Devil May Cry - Devil may seek therapy

A devil may cry,
Or so I've been told.
A heart may be shy,
But love must be bold.

I'm dripping in babes,
Mo' piece than a dove.
Lady's a fave,
But you're my true love.

Lucia or Lilith, I'm loaded and locked.
Ebony and ivory, I don't go off half-cocked.

Batman: Arkham series - You must be joking

Oh Mr J,
Your love's all I need,
So take a lesson from Ivy
And plant psycho seed.

Just think of the scene,
Junior running around.
Pulling out fly wings,
As Gotham burns to the ground.

That pointy eared freak, he needs to pay,
So let's have us a gas this Valentine's day.

Super Mario series - A haiku by Mario

Peachy like the fruit.
My own kidnap-prone princess,
Arrayed all in pink.

Mass Effect - Shep got rep

Vorcha are red,
Asari are blue.
I'm sure we've made love,
But which one were you?

Gears of War - Locust lover

Dear sweet Maria,
I hope you don't mind,
If I go drinking with Marcus,
And leave you behind.

Don't be so drastic,
Just sit here at home,
While I go out and pound,
Some brewskis with bros.

Just contemplate this, that wherever you were
A half-shaven head is a deal-breaker.

Sonic series - Done in a flash

Amy Rose, it is said,
Your boyfriend is blue.
But no hedgehog alive,
Could bare to stand you.

The Legend of Zelda - A Limerick by Link

There once was a lad from Hyrule,
Who thought it'd be rather cool,
If he smashed up a pot,
Then blew up the lot,
If only to be your fool

Uncharted - A thief's sore end

Chloe in red,
Elena in blue,
I didn't use protection
With either of you.
xxx

Loved up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A

That's about all we have from our ultra-amorous icons - chime in with some disgusting poetry of your own in the comments sections below, and be sure to leave a few hateful slurs down there while you're at it - yanno, to balance out all the unbridled love and happiness...