For the first time in FIFA videogame history, or at least since they got good, facially accurate football managers prowl the sidelines. All 20 glaring Premier League gaffers represent their sides in FIFA 17, watching helplessly from the touchlines as you no doubt disappoint them on the pitch. So how do they stack up to the real thing? We get right into each of their fully licensed faces to find out.
Before then, a few cool details to point out. One: it’s cute how they put on their coats when it rains. Two: you can hug your manager by running at them after you’ve scored, even if they’re 70 years old and brittle. Three: Italians and gingers are suspiciously well-represented. Four: if the default cameras don’t cut to your manager, you can get a good look by going over to the touchline and chipping the ball at their face, then zooming in with the replay. Brilliantly, they flinch when you do this.
20. David Moyes (Sunderland)
No. This is not David Moyes. This is not Everton’s longest-running manager in the modern era. This is not the man who dragged Man United to seventh place finish in 2013, their worst result since the ‘80s. This is not the man who looks like a haunted Hugh Laurie. This is an imposter. Take him away.
Rating: 0 stars
19. Claude Puel (Southampton)
With a name like a decadent perfume and a face like an average accountant, there was nothing stopping EA doing Claude Puel the justice he deserves. Just draw two eyes and a mouth on a grey beach pebble. Show some respect, the man played for Monaco for 17 years.
Rating: 0 stars
18. Walter Mazzarri (Watford)
Hmm, accolades, accolades. Mazzarri played in Serie A with Empoli in the early ‘90s. Um, he managed Sampdoria in 2007. Uh, he won the The Enzo Bearzot Award in 2012 for decent management of Napoli also? OK, so he’s pretty unremarkable. Probably a good move just sticking a generic middle-aged man in there. No one will notice.
Rating: 0 stars
17. Aitor Karanka (Middlesbrough)
He played for Real Madrid in the late ‘90s, then moved into an assistant role. Middlesbrough is a bit of a step down, to be fair. Adding insult to injury, the only consistency with his FIFA 17 counterpart is a slightly long face, like a stretched Roger Federer. Here’s what he’s meant to look like, dammit.
Rating: 1 star
16. Mike Phelan (Hull City)
As a Manchester United player he earned a single England cap in 1989 and was squeezed out of the side in the early ‘90s thanks to a surge in talent such as Ryan Giggs, Lee Sharpe, David Beckham, and Nicky Butt. As a Manchester United coach he was fired by David Moyes when the Scotsman joined in 2013. As a FIFA 17 manager he’s not even represented, bald head aside. Poor Mickey. He’s better at football than us, at least.
Ratings: 1 star
15. Mark Hughes (Stoke City)
You only have to look at his club history to see this former Manchester United, Barcelona, and Bayern Munich man had talent. Actually, even at 52 years of age, he still does. Look at this volley. Shame his model looks more like George W. Bush regretting all the ways he messed up.
Rating: 2 stars
14. Mauricio Pochettino (Tottenham Hotspur)
Spurs’ 12th manager in 12 years, Pochettino led them to a Champions League place last season by finishing third. He presides over a younger and more aggressive side which, against Chelsea in May 2016, received a record nine yellow cards in a single game. He’s the manager whose cheeks you most want to pinch, but who you most shouldn’t.
Ratings: 2 stars
13. Eddie Howe (Bournemouth)
The youngest Premier League boss spent much of his career as a defender at Bournemouth, later joining the team as manager in 2009 and leading them to their first ever top flight run. He hasn’t had to buy a pint in the seaside town since. Also it appears he is very frightened of bubbles.
Rating: 2 stars
12. Alan Pardew (Crystal Palace)
After helping Crystal Palace to a promotion in ‘89, cocky Alan Pardew scored the winner in an 1990 FA Cup semi-final against Liverpool. He grew in cockiness during his mostly successful four-year reign at Newcastle, and became cockier still when he joined Crystal Palace again, leading them to last season’s FA Cup final against Manchester United. He became the ultimate cockster, though, when Jason Puncheon scored and Pardew did a little dance. You could say this former glazier got one over on the Glazers, until Man U equalised and ultimately won.
Rating: 2 stars
11. Antonio Conte (Chelsea)
Widely regarded as ‘pretty good’, Conte won three back-to-back Serie A titles with Juventus, and has experience managing a string of top-flight Italian sides. Despite moving to Chelsea this season, signing the awesome N'Golo Kanté, and re-signing the world’s most expensive defender in David Luiz, he’s currently languishing in 8th place. At least he’s entertaining.
Rating: 3 stars
