Ludicrously lethal clothing in games
Dressed to kill
There are certain weapons you expect to encounter when you pick up your controller and enter a video game world. Swords, guns, military vehicles, conveniently loyal wild animals; all of these are tried and tested methods of video game pain delivery. But every once in a while, a character gets creative with how they incorporate their weaponry. A boot fitted with a retractable knife, a gun up their sleeve, and soon you're raising your eyebrow down the barrel of a set of bracelet-mounted pistols. Err?
Don't hang up those pretty battle gloves just yet, though. As silly as some of this weaponized apparel might look, it is nonetheless lethal when in (or on) the hands (or feet, neck, head, legs) of a master wearer. I've got seven items of weaponized clothing that prove just that, and the wielders that put them to deadly use. Read on, because these fighters have got style.
Bayonetta's shoes
Marilyn Monroe once said, "Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world." She severely underestimated what a good shoe can do. Bayonetta brings down abominable angels and one extra-crispy creator of the universe, plus a few thousand-toothed demons in the upcoming Bayonetta 2, with the help of her smokin' hot pistol heels.
These things are just too fabulous for mere mortals (what are they, seven inches?), but when our favorite Umbran witch straps on this cute pair of handguns, she packs some fierce firepower. Coupled with her physics-defying gymnastic abilities, these shoe-shots can take out any mook with a swift, trigger-pulling kick to the sternum.
Batman's cape
Batman's cape may seem like a bland bit of fabric to the naked eye, but look a little closer and you realize it's a bland bit of fabric with some cool junk woven into it! Perhaps one of its most useful features is its lead-lined hems, which can be used to stun Bruce's enemies. As lead to the face will do.
Admittedly not every asylum occupant will be thrown off by the stun cape move, and it's mostly just good for stopping knife-wielding foes. But hey, not getting stabbed is always a good thing, right? Plus, who can resist that badass cape flourish? He has to practice that in the mirror.
Kung Lao's hat
When you make your living (and stay alive) by brutally eviscerating fighters who want to literally rip your skull from your spine, you gotta have an edge. Or a rim, if you're Kung Lao, who's been using his razor-trimmed cap to shred enemies to ribbons for the last twenty years.
An impressive example of functional head gear, Kung Lao's hat can not only separate an enemy down the middle with a merciless flick of the wrist, but is made even more useful by what we can only guess is wizard magic. How else do you explain it boomeranging back after separating an opponent's torso from their hips? Or it spinning like a buzzsaw, waiting for Kung Lao to go all carpenter on his enemy's now halved behind? Also, it's apparently stain resistant. Very important in that line of work.
Koshsh's scarf
Like every fighter in the army-brutalizing Dynasty Warrior games, leveling a field of mooks is the stuff of a regular Tuesday for Koshsh. However, unlike her warrior compatriots, she likes to add a little sparkle to her soldier-smashing with the help of a flowy scarf. Don't let its pretty pink look fool you though, or you might end up like these suckers.
It addition to having a slash move that would make locker room towel-whippers cringe, Koshsh's scarf can create a twister to decimate enemy battalions, or a shield that thrashes any unlucky soul that gets in its way. Plus, during her ultimate move, the scarf turns into a heart right before she casts a spell that rips everyone around her to pieces. Man, and all my scarf has is a fringe.
Roger Huxley's helmet
Though most of Roger Huxley's arsenal is filled with magic spells, some of his most devastating attacks involve using his head. And by that I mean headbutting enemies with a nasty spiked helmet called a pickelhaube. Yeah, this dude may look small, but when he's stuck to your side by a piece of metal shoved deep in your abdomen? He's gonna feel huge.
This helmet seems to be equal parts mundane and magical. Not just because it can hold the weight of a small human at a 90-degree angle to the person it's lodged in, either. It's used to create a magic death fountain during his Raging Helmet attack, and Flying Torpedo involves him goring his opponent over and over again. Weirdly, that still works if Roger trades the pickelhaube for a hat with no spike on it at all. Not sure how to explain that one.
Rose's stole
Kushsh's not the only one rocking the magical neckwear. Rose from Street Fighter has some ferocious fabric of her own in the form of her magical stole (for the fashion-phobic: fancy shoulder-scarf) that can take out seasoned fighters faster than you can say "accessorize."
While Koshsh's shawl is the center of her fighting strategy, Rose already has her share of sick moves (fueled by Soul Power) and uses her wrapping to augment them. Sure, she can drop her opponent on their head with telekinesis, but she can also smack them with magically-infused fabric, wrap it around their wrist and electrocute them in a few quick moves. Now that's an accessory that will take you from daytime to fight time.
Cerebella's muscle-hat
Uh, whoa. At first I thought that thing on Cerebella's head was just another set of arms and she was a four-armed, limb-headed freak of nature. But no, that's her giant, muscle-bound hat named Vice-Versa, a living creature that only she can control. Which is only slightly less weird.
A mysterious being that can most kindly be described as what the hell is that even, Vice-Versa is unwaveringly loyal to Cerebella, and happily partners with her in beating the crap out of everything. While that usually involves wind-milling its arms around while she charges in an enemy's general direction, it's also happy to hold opponents in place while Cere has at them. Really, these two weirdos are a perfect pair--they live together, fight together, and make bittersweet decisions together. Err, spoiler?
Mario's Tanooki suit
While at first glance this suit can make you seriously wonder what Mario does on the weekends, don't let that color your perception. Take his Tanooki suit out for a spin (or a float) and you'll see that it's even more formidable than it is uncomfortable. An upgraded version of the Raccoon suit that so many know and love, this suit's bushy brown tail will put you in the ground.
While the suit's biggest pros are its defensive abilities, which allow Mario to glide out of enemy reach or become an invulnerable statue, that can be twisted to work offensively. In statue-form, Mario swiftly destroys anything he lands on, including Piranha Plants, Chain Chomps, and any unfortunate fish that get in his way. And hey, when in doubt? There's always a good tail smack. It will end you.
Zero's sarong
Every girl may be crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man, but I'm guessing the fine fellows of ZZ Top did not mean that literally. Zero (not the Mega Man one, the King of Fighters one) doesn't have time to worry about semantics though, and he knows that his sword-lined sarong brings in all the ladies and probably a few gentlemen. It also happens to be super effective in battle, slicing his foes open with a flash of its bladed hem--so hey, bonus!
What exactly a high-ranking executive of the NESTS corporation needs a battle-kilt for is hard to say, but it serves him well in his role as a fighting game sub-boss. Extending to give him more reach and strength than should theoretically be possible, Zero can take out meleeing plebes with just a few dramatic flourishes. Sure, he could just rip them apart with his telekinetic powers, but this looks so much cooler!
Michael Jackson's fedora
Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie? Probably not, if you ran into the original smooth criminal in Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. MJ proves that you don't wanna be startin' something when he's got his trusty hat, which can blow people up just by touching them. Something tells me there's gonna be blood on the dance floor.
It's never explained why the King of Pop has a hat that can obliterate a human being and then boomerang back. But in a game where he can kill folks with the force of his dance moves, does it really matter? Here the hat acts as Mike's ranged attack, and the longer he pours the Power of Song into it, the farther it flies. Wherever there is music-phobic evil, Mike and his fedora will be there to Beat It... that was Bad. I Can't Help It. Leave Me Alone.
Every outfit in Final Fantasy X-2
When your entire combat system is based on bewitched battle ensembles, you better be the best dressed at every party. And by "party" I of course mean "every brutal fight to the death". Yuna and company don't have to worry though, because with all the dresspheres and magical-girl transformations they have at their disposal, they always make the other girls (and boys, and monsters, and malevolent poltergeists) at the shindig jealous.
Realizing that the Final Fantasy job class system was great except for its lack of pretty dresses, Final Fantasy X-2 offers not one, not five, but 20 different outfits to choose from. Collecting the whole wardrobe--including the stylish Songstress, scandalous Lady Luck, or ugly but powerful Mascot--gives the Gullwings the goods they need for any occasion. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder's about to get a beating.
These boots are made for killin'
These duds are as deadly as they are stylish, especially when donned by these gaming trendsetters. Who wore it best? Want some of these accoutrements for yourself? Willing to pay the price? Tell us in the comments below, and remember, fashion is pain.
Want more vicious vestments? Try on Video game characters: stylish or silly? A fashion-blogger weighs in and Gaming's most ridiculous alternate fighting costumes.
