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How to win a fight according to games

During a fight, you can use things you find to help you, but be careful, because sometimes weapons can break if you use them too much, and sometimes you can’t pick up certain things, even though it looks like you can, so don’t even try, because you just look stupid and your friends will yell at you because you have to hurry up. And they’ll just keep making fun of you if you don’t know what to do, so you should always know what to do.

You should use something you’re comfortable with, like how Marge uses a vacuum cleaner in the Simpsons arcade game because she’s a woman. So if you like videogames, which I’m sure you do, you should use a game controller or something like that as your weapon. I think a “Dreamcast” controller would work pretty well, and it’s about all it seems to be good for anyway.

Just do the same move over and over sometimes

Usually the best way to win a fight is to just do the same move over and over so your opponent doesn’t have a chance to fight back. If you try to do something else you might give him an opening, so just keep going until he gets dazed and just stands there not even able to move. It helps if he’s against a wall, too, unless he jumps over you which happened to me once. Don’t worry, I was too fast for him and I did a roundhouse kick to his face, and he doesn’t make fun of my glasses anymore (which I only wear because they’re special glasses which enhance my fighting power, and also hide my identity).


Above: Sub-Zero does this sometimes

Attacking multiple enemies

You have to use combos. Combos can be a bunch of different moves that you do in order or, like in this one game you have called “God of War,” just hitting one button and doing a bunch of spinning and stuff to kill a lot of bad guys.


Above: Like this

Sometimes I just can’t handle things even though my therapist taught me about counting to ten, so I just put my arms out and start spinning and hitting things because I’m so angry. It works pretty well. One time I made a kid in my class bleed and I had to go to the principal’s office which was like going to the Final Boss, but I beat him up too and it was pretty easy because he only had one pattern. Then my mom picked me up and the principal and all the teachers at school were so afraid of me after that I always got ‘A’s and no one told me what to do anymore.


Above: This is how it looked when I beat up my principal

Associate Editor, Digital at PC Gamer