13. MEAT LOAF IS AN OVERACTING VAMPIRE
From: Bloodrayne (2005)
Above: “For this I turned down Cleaver?”
Before that, though, we get to see C-list rock god and occasional actor Meat Loaf put on a silly wig and lounge around with a bunch of naked Czech prostitutes as hedonistic vampire lord Leonid.
When a servant of villain Kagan (Kingsley) stops into Leonid’s lair on his way to deliver an unconscious Rayne to his master, Leonid decides he’s having none of it and demands he keep Rayne as a gift.
Loaf’s performance here is uniquely terrible, creating a leering, odious presence that gives new meaning to the phrases “hammy acting,” “hampire,” “ham-fisted,” “hambeast” and “we’re insinuating Meat Loaf is fat.”
No, that’s it. You should really watch it, though:
12. DRUGS ARE GOOD
From: Max Payne (2008)
Part fantastically boring police procedural, part revenge fantasy and all terrible movie, Max Payne was hailed as “the first great videogame movie” right up until the point that anyone saw it.
Above: “My movie’s good, right? SAY MY MOVIE’S GOOD”
The most frequently asked question when the first trailers for Max Payne came out was, “what the hell are those winged things?” The answer is that they’re hallucinations brought on by Valkyr, a mysterious drug that turns its users into homicidal maniacs… apart from a small percentage who magically become psychotic, nigh-invincible super-soldiers.
After swimming out of a freezing river where he was left to drown by his enemies, Max has a simple choice: lie around and die of hypothermia, or drink the vial of Valkyr stuck conveniently in his pocket and see what happens. Shockingly (to absolutely no one), Max turns out to have the super-soldier genes, and what he experiences as a result is nothing short of hilarious.
Go on, see it for yourself:
11. CHURCH INVASION
From: Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)
Widely regarded as one of the worst-ever sequels to a fairly decent videogame movie, Resident Evil: Apocalypse is notable mainly for turning RE3’s Nemesis into a big, turdy-looking Terminator.
It also brings back RE film heroine Alice (Milla Jovovich), who has the audacity to not only have goofy superpowers, but also to interact with game-series regulars like Jill Valentine (Sienna Guillory). When the two meet up, Jill and her comrades are pinned down in a church by a mediocre CG effect that’s supposed to pass for a Licker.
When suddenly…
And then…
Above: VROOM VROOOM
And…
Above: WHOOSH
When suddenly…
And inevitably…
Above: BLAAAAOW PSSSHHH
That is, until……
Above: THWPP THWPP THWPP
GOD.
Just watch it already:
