The Crimefighter: Mormon missionary Joe Young, who finds himself playing Orgazmo in a porn movie. He fights crime using the Orgazmorator.
The Costume: Really pink, soft and cheap. (Easy.) This is a porn movie, after all.
Lamest Feature: The over-sized jock strap. Who is he kidding?
The Crimefighter: Frank D’Arbo. His wife leaves him for a drug dealer. She’s hot, so he wants her back, which is when he decides to become the Crimson Bolt. Y’know, to impress her.
The Costume: A weird, patchwork red thing with a utility belt thrown in for good measure.
Lamest Feature: Said utility belt has definitely seen better days, but that mask is just horrible. A superhero basically depends on his mask for his cool factor, and this one has zero of that.
The Crimefighter: Alien from Krypton. The last survivor of his world. He comes to Earth as a baby and grows up to be a protector of mankind.
The Costume: The unused super-suit that Nicolas Cage would have worn in Tim Burton’s aborted Superman project.
Lamest Feature: It’s just so glowy and neon – frankly, it makes Joel Schumacher’s ill-advised, neon-heavy Batman films look positively restrained.
The Crimefighter: Steve Rogers. He gets turned into a super-soldier during World War II and fights the villainous Red Skull.
The Costume: Rubber. Very patriotic in red, blue and white. Has wings on his head. And a big star on his chest.
Lamest Feature: It’s another pyjama effort, though this one’s more kinky considering it’s made out of rubber. Also, his shield looks like a Frisbee…
The Fantastic Four
The Crimefighters: Four friends are hit by cosmic rays while cruising in an experimental space craft, and are gifted with extraordinary powers.
The Costumes: Tight, block-coloured atrocities with a horrible white neck and the number four stamped on the chest.
Lamest Feature: Holy lycra! Completely unforgiving material means every single bump and roll is accentuated in these horrible outfits. Far from fantastic, their wearers just look like oversized Smurfs.
The Crimefighter: Hal Jordan, who becomes an Earth-protecting Green Lantern when he’s given a powerful ring.
The Costume: Green, sinewy, glowy.
Lamest Feature: It’s completely CGI. Director Martin Campbell clearly wanted to push the boundaries of technology, but he accomplishes nothing by denying Reynolds a suit to wear – it looks like a parody of itself.
The Crimefighter: Arthur Poppington, a mentally ill dude who thinks he’s a superhero.
The Costume: It’s meant to be a bit lame, of course, being a put-together-from-scraps ensemble created by a mentally ill man.
Lamest Feature: The stuck-on D, which looks like a five-year-old did it.
The Crimefighter: Kit walker, who inherits his Phantom abilities from his murdered father.
The Costume: Purple. Has a very tie-dye effect going on across the chest. Tight. Must be a nightmare to put on in a hurry.
Lamest Feature: The skullcap. Who’s afraid of a guy wearing a purple skullcap? Nobody, that’s who.
The Crimefighter: Patience Phillips, graphic designer by day, prowling feline by night.
The Costume: A patchy, slashed leather ensemble that looks like Catwoman’s gone ten rounds with the local tomcats.
Lamest Feature: Um, all of it? The head’s bulbous and silly, the benailed-gloves tacky. Catwoman looks like she’s just slinked off page three of The Sun .
The Crimefighter: Also known as the Dark Knight. Skulks in shadows. Protects the city of Gotham. Is really richboy Bruce Wayne.
The Costume : Sheeny, sort of silver-y, looks like it’s really uncomfortable. A total departure from the costume Michael Keaton wore in Tim Burton’s Batman .
Lamest Feature: Just look at that ginormous cod piece. Not only is it ridiculously ambitious, it’s also spray-painted eye-catching silver. It's almost as bad as Clooney's other Bat costume - yes the one with the nipples. Gah!