30 Awesome Movie Jobs That Don't Exist

RoboCop

The Movie Job: Reanimated cyborg police officer, as seen in 1987 sci-fi actioner RoboCop .

Desirable Position? Sort of. You do get to do an awful lot of bad guy ass-kicking, but the entry requirements are pretty gnarly. Namely, you have to have been brutally slaughtered by criminals to get the promotion.

If It Existed In The Real World: It'd save the police a bundle of cash, given that you probably don't have to pay a computer-powered man-machine. Although the trade union disputes would be absolutely terrifying.

Bio-Exorcist

The Movie Job: Responsibility for chasing the living from haunted homes, just like Michael Keaton's character in Tim Burton's Beetlejuice (1988).

Desirable Position? Absolutely, just so long as you're less spectacularly disreputable than Betelgeuse himself. Focus on the task in hand, rather than trying to marry a client's daughter and rejoin the land of the living, and you'll have a whale of a time. See ?

If It Existed In The Real World: Being the actual bio-exorcist looks like great fun, but the really stiff competition would be for the position of afterlife case worker. Much better job security, much slimmer chance of being eaten by giant Sandworms in limbo. Cushy.

Jedi Knight

The Movie Job: Wielding a lightsaber in the name of the Republic, a heady task undertaken by Luke in the Star Wars franchise.

Desirable Position? It's a bit of a drag getting there, what with having to progress through Youngling, Padawan, Knight, Master, and finally a nice desk-bound retirement earner as a Jedi High Council peer. But hell, you get a lightsaber at the end of stage two. Sign us up.

If It Existed In The Real World: Nobody would give a toss about footballers - we'd all be Tweeting about which high-ranking Temple administrator had failed to keep it in his robes.

Toon Patrol Member

The Movie Job: One of Judge Doom's giggle-addicted, pratfall-prone animated weasel enforcers, as seen in Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988).

Desirable Position? Not really. While we fully approve of their method of opening doors , we're not super happy at the idea of staffing for history's most spine-chilling legal worker .

If It Existed In The Real World: Since the only way out appears to be laughing oneself to death, we imagine the office Christmas party would be a carefully controlled exercise in sobriety. Bah.

Matrix Agent

The Movie Job: Artificially intelligent computer programs in human form, tasked with policing and protecting the illusory worlds of the Matrix franchise.

Desirable Position? Pretty much, yes. As well as a sweet green and gold suit, you get a nifty tie clip, mirror-polished wingtips, the ability to punch through concrete and a pain threshold to rival a Uwe Boll boxset addict.

If It Existed In The Real World: Julian Assange would basically be a quivering pile of viscera by this point. But would we ever have been allowed to see Keyboard Cat ? Anyone's guess...

Jurassic Park Staff

The Movie Job: Take your pick. Construction? IT? Vet? It's all up for grabs in Jurassic Park (1993)! Sizeable life insurance package included!

Desirable Position? It'd be absolutely amazing . For about 25 minutes. And then you'd quickly start to figure out why InGen's staff travel expenses to Isla Nublar only covered a one-way trip...

If It Existed In The Real World: We'd be on the first helicopter over there. As tourists, not staff. And that'd be an armoured helicopter with a nice big viewing window, six back-up pilots and a cruising altitude of 2,000 feet.

Nostromo Crew Member

The Movie Job: Grafting away on Alien 's (1979) giant space tug, looking forward to nothing more complex than a pizza and a decent bath when you get home.

Desirable Position? Absolutely not - dragging huge loads of mineral ore around deep space is probably the very definition of madness-inducing tedium. The only time it gets more exciting is when you're trying (and failing) not to be eaten by the hardest ETs in the known universe.

If It Existed In The Real World: Even if you somehow did manage to make it home without a space foetus exploding from your chest, you'd only be blamed for worsening our fuel-related climate crisis. A thankless task indeed.

Time Reassigner

The Movie Job: Being one of the experimental military scientists in charge of sending people repeatedly back and forth to avert various moments of catastrophe - as seen in this year's Source Code .

Desirable Position? Nothing too crappy about it, really - although clearly there's a bit of moral wrestling to be done over the idea of forcing some poor bloke to experience his own demise 30 times in an afternoon.

If It Existed In The Real World: We'd imagine the entry exams would be fairly tricky. Also, the hours are long - although you might be able to reassign them, too - and the frustration levels must be positively hairline-wrecking. We'd be looking for at least a swish company car to sweeten this deal.

Millionaire Playboy Crimefighter

The Movie Job: Bruce Wayne may have a fairly tough time of it whenever he dons the mask for the Batman franchise, but his day job - masquerading as a boozy, irresponsible, eye-wateringly wealthy tech firm inheritor - isn't too shabby.

Desirable Position? As long as you're prepared to harbour a pretty hefty secret (and only let the occasional lycra-clad hot date in on it for romantic purposes), then yeah. We're sold.

If It Existed In The Real World: Wealthy parents would find themselves being dragged down a lot more mugger-infested alleys by their own precocious offspring.

Quidditch Referee

The Movie Job: Officiating the broomstick-mounted ball-chasing contests that provide a few of the action highlights in various iterations of the Harry Potter world.

Desirable Position? Meh, it'd be hard to get too excited about it after your first couple of seasons - those damn Seekers would always be the ones taking home the groupies.

If It Existed In The Real World: Your job would constantly be under threat from pressure to introduce a Hawk-Eye-style video playback system for those contentious incidents. Plus, trying to keep a magically empowered crowd in check would take up more time than actually overseeing the game. Stressy.

Lacuna, Inc. Employee

The Movie Job: Working alongside the other targeted memory erasers from Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (2004), your role is to help people forget stuff they'd rather not agonise over any more.

Desirable Position? In theory, sure - especially if, like a couple of the characters in Gondry's film, you get to use other people's memories to improve your pulling techniques, or sit around smoking in your pants with Kirsten Dunst. Uh, there may be a few ethical considerations to contend with. But hey, forgeddaboutit! At an employee discount!

If It Existed In The Real World: How do we know it doesn't? Nah, we're just being paranoid. We'd definitely remember if we...oh wait, hang on...

Avatar Operator

The Movie Job: Piloting a massive blue version of yourself around a distant planet's lush but toxic biosphere to learn about the native Na'vi folk and assist in the dubious mining mission of your fellow Earthlings.

Desirable Position? Absolutely - what's not to love about being ten feet tall, leaping from bough to bough and bunking up with a hot Na'vi once you've convinced them not to shoot your teeth out with arrows? Oh, right... the whole 'secret agenda to destroy a beautiful world for financial gain' thing. Hm, tricky.

If It Existed In The Real World: There'd be a ridiculously low staff turnover, because really, who would ever want to come back to their boring old human form afterwards? We're thinking there'd probably be one hell of a deposit on the avatars...

Tomb Raider

The Movie Job: Running around underground and nicking stuff from dead guys, just like Angelina Jolie's titular (no giggling at the back) character in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider .

Desirable Position? Definitely, although we're not sure what sort of a benefits package you could realistically expect - you're pretty much freelance in this game.

If It Existed In The Real World: There'd hardly be anything left for real archaeologists to excavate - Lara's well known for smashing up twice as much stuff as she actually steals. And Tony Robinson would presumably have morphed into some kind of bounty hunter, hell bent on wiping out the scourge of buxom history thieves. Which would make Time Team a must-watch, frankly.

Blade Runner

The Movie Job: Chasing down rogue Earth-dwelling replicants and 'retiring' them. By which we mean gunning them to shreds in a rainy backstreet.

Desirable Position? Pretty exciting, we admit. But what is it with all the wrenching moral quandaries that seem to accompany these pulse-racing fictional career paths? Is it really OK that the only 'good' replicant is a dutifully enslaved one? Kinda hard to stomach, in all honesty...

If It Existed In The Real World: There'd be more replicant rights marches - and, of course, racist moron backlashes - than there were police spinners to patrol them.

We can see this one getting messy. So... are you willing to cross the picket line?

Executive Toy Tester

The Movie Job: OK, we know real-world versions of the MacMillan Toy Company ( Big , 1988) do product-test - but really, there isn't an adult Josh Baskin (Tom Hanks) sitting up in a game-filled penthouse office all day.

Is there? Oh God, tell us we haven't been missing out all these years...

Desirable Position? Only if you enjoy waking up every day and blubbering for sheer joy, before skipping to work on rainbows of childish glee.

If It Existed In The Real World: We'd probably have much crappier toys, actually - most major product testing these days is done by randomly selected groups of real kids. And, let's face it, they know a lot more about it than Alan Pinstripe from accounts.

Monster Hunter

The Movie Job: Tracking down legions of the inhuman and staking them through the face - or wherever you fancy, if you're copying the somewhat slapdash methods of Van Helsing (2004).

Desirable Position? Relatively sweet on the whole. Decked out head to toe in moody leathers, you're basically a globe-trotting 19th-century badass with a crossbow and a hot colleague.

If It Existed In The Real World: Given that one of the core specifications appears to be having amnesia, it'd be quite difficult to get into. And you couldn't rely on your co-hunters to remember any decent anecdotes on those inevitable slower days, either - water cooler banter would be a total flop.

Truman Show Extra

The Movie Job: Taking a position as one of the many hundreds of cast members populating Truman Burbank's reality TV 'life' in The Truman Show (1998).

Desirable Position? There's a fair old responsibility that goes along with the role, mostly involving never letting your facade slip when in the presence of the blissfully ignorant main character.

We don't much fancy it - the pressure's on, it's pretty darn repetitive, and we're scared rigid of Ed Harris as the godlike producer.

If It Existed In The Real World: While the cynical out there might suggest it already does to some extent, our primetime forays into the reality TV world remain - as yet - slightly less morally bankrupt than this.

That said, we've no doubt that plenty of people would sign up if the opportunity arose. Depressing.

Enterprise Comms Officer

The Movie Job: Working the phones - well, y'know, or whatever - on the deck of the USS Enterprise, which always appears to be a key role (if a somewhat unsung one) in the Star Trek movie series.

Desirable Position? Definitely. Big comfy spin-chair, seat near Uhura, and little chance of being slaughtered because they always find some wimpy irregular cast member in a different coloured sweater to beam down for that.

If It Existed In The Real World: There would be clear progression opportunities - Uhura herself went on to become a full commander by The Wrath of Khan . Intergalactic golf courses would be heaving with portly former Communications Officers, we reckon.

Light Cyclist

The Movie Job: Attempting to fence off and thus destroy rival light cyclists - humanised computer programs - in the combative virtual arenas of Tron (1982).

Desirable Position? High risk, high reward. High risk because you stand a good chance of being vapourised every time you step into the saddle; high reward because you more or less look cooler than anyone else ever. Tough call.

If It Existed In The Real World: Nobody would waste their time with Formula 1. Mind you, given the 50/50 chance of death in every Light Cycle pro race, perhaps the standard would be less impressive than we're imagining. Pac-Man geeks would eventually take over the world. Just like in reality, then.

Adjustment Bureau Worker

The Movie Job: Shady, fate-obsessed 'fixer' working for the Chairman to steer people's lives in pre-determined directions, as seen in this year's The Adjustment Bureau .

Desirable Position? Why the hell not? We're more or less over the hand-wringing moral quandaries involved in most of these jobs by now. The Man has got us all so jaded, all we see is a cool hat and the ability to teleport through magic doors. Winner. Screw the ethics.

If It Existed In The Real World: Apparently, we'd all have been nudged down paths that led us away from impulsiveness, misadventure and financial ruin. Barred from all pubs at birth then, presumably.

Spinal Tap's Manager

The Movie Job: Looking after the interests of the band that '[did] for rock and roll what The Sound Of Music did for hills' - or so claims the tagline of the 1984 cult classic This Is Spinal Tap .

Desirable Position? Good grief, no. Ian Faith (played in the mockumentary by the brilliantly exasperated Tony Hendra) is surely one of the most pitiable figures in modern cinema.

If It Existed In The Real World: The first task at interview would be ordering a full-sized Stonehenge monument. Screw up, and presumably you go the same way as most Spinal Tap drummers have over the years.

Ghostbuster

The Movie Job: Using your parapsychology skills to track down and trap the spectral apparitions of Midtown Manhattan, just like the gang in the eponymous 1984 Ivan Reitman classic.

Desirable Position? Oh, now we're talking. Awesome jumpsuits? Check. Proton packs? Check. Crazy company car, oddly sexy receptionist and a slobbering ghoul for an office buddy? Check, check, paycheque. Unbelievable.

If It Existed In The Real World: You wouldn't see us for dust. Well, more likely ectoplasm. It'd also get the risible Derek Acorah off our tellyboxes, which would be worth an extra celebratory Bank Holiday in our books.

Time Enforcement Commission Agent

The Movie Job: Policing history on behalf of the US government, chasing down criminal misusers of recent time travel technology as an official Timecop (1994).

Desirable Position? You bet; every day must be like Back To The Future meets Heat . A bit confusing though, granted - when you go home for dinner at night, you never quite know how old your family is going to be.

If It Existed In The Real World: Cases of mistaken identity would be almost impossible to prove your innocence in. After all, if you haven't actually committed a crime, you might've been just about to. You're history's greatest monster! At least, that's what it says on your future record...

Wicked Witch Of The West

The Movie Job: Generally having to provide most of the mischief along the yellow brick road, because your sister got flattened by a house early on in The Wizard Of Oz (1939). With only one of you punching in these days, it's a full-time occupation and no mistake.

Desirable Position? You've got to be very careful not to have water spilled on you, and you'll almost certainly start looking a bit green around the gills. If that doesn't bother you, you do get exclusive access to an army of winged monkeys. Which has got to be better than a standard PA.

If It Existed In The Real World: The monkeys would become the evil equivalent of the Queen's corgis, with admiring middle-aged imitators trotting around little flocks of their own. Hey, as long as they pick up the inevitable mess, we say let 'em go for it.

Stalker

The Movie Job: Hunting convicted criminals through the labyrinthine corridors of bloodthirsty future game show The Running Man for the entertainment of a crazed TV audience.

Desirable Position? Er... well, big fans of capital punishment would probably be quite into it. We think it'd probably make us cry and wet ourselves a lot, though.

If It Existed In The Real World: The sort of line-ups you'd get at vacancy interviews would make the Britain's Got Talent audition queue look positively well-adjusted.

District 9 Trader

The Movie Job: Haggling with the 'prawns' fenced into District 9 (2009) in order to trade stinky old tins of cat food for bits of mystifying weaponry and alien tech knowhow.

Desirable Position? Not really. It's a tense standoff between the bootleggers and the aliens, which is only tenuously upheld by the traders' heavy firepower and the addict-like cat food cravings of the prawns. Also, those tins of low-grade meat really stink.

If It Existed In The Real World: That's the beauty of Neill Blomkamp's film, in a way - alien crash-landing aside, this is an entirely imaginable scenario which, in all likelihood, someone would attempt more or less straight away.

Annual Transcontinental Road Racer

The Movie Job: Being a driver in a dystopian future society, whose government sees nothing more patriotic than a sociopathic Death Race 2000 (1975) in which the object is to mow down as many innocent pedestrians as possible.

Desirable Position? Your answer to this probably says a lot about you. We're sticking with no. We hate washing our cars.

If It Existed In The Real World: God only knows what would've gone wrong... but we can imagine Murray Walker getting spectacularly het up in the commentary box.

Delos Park Staff

The Movie Job: Looking after any area of the futuristic Westworld (1973) amusement park, in which Yul Brynner and his android cohorts stage their gore-splattered uprising against the thrill-seeking tourists.

Desirable Position? Depends on your area of employment, really. The concession stands would probably be relatively low hassle, but we don't much fancy being in maintenance - you're unlikely to come away unscathed if you're the bloke frantically chasing the malfunctioning automata around with a screwdriver.

If It Existed In The Real World: The merchandise would be like a survivalist badge of honour. In fact, the t-shirts would probably be sold online, and come ready-torn. A bit like most major denim labels these days, then.

Hogwarts Head

The Movie Job: De facto boss of the most challenging school in cinema, and appointed term-time guardian of one Harry Potter . Only serious beard-wearers and wand-wavers need apply.

Desirable Position? Ups and downs, once again. We could do without all the marking and PTA meetings, to be honest - but unrestricted access to all those funky secret places would be a pretty cool way to impress the catering staff.

If It Existed In The Real World: You'd be waiting around a fair old time for a chance to step into the role - Dumbledore was still going strong at the ripe old age of 116.

Death Star Construction Worker

The Movie Job: Helping to rebuild a moon-sized living quarters and genocide-primed superweapon for the meanest, wheeziest and most strangle-happy boss in the Star Wars galaxy.

Desirable Position? Pfft. Easily the most thankless task on this entire list. You've got a nigh-on impossible mission to complete, ostensibly only about eight years to do it in, you're very likely to be blown up mid-job, and you don't get so much as a mention in the films.

If It Existed In The Real World: Good old Randal from Clerks (1994) has done all the work for us on this one...