Useless Wii peripherals that will never improve your life

Thank God! Nintendo has finally released the long-needed Wii room-migration kit. You know, that box of spare Wii cables we've all been dying to buy and stick on our spare TVs, to make the arduous process of moving the console that bit more bareable. It finally exists!

(No seriously, we're not making this up. Ninty really thinks moving and reconnecting cables is $45 worth of problem)

So in celebration of this glorious day, we bring you five more Wii add-ons of equally vital, no more insulting functionality to (hopefully) look forward to. Please Nintendo. We'll never cope without them.

The Wii remote easy-access facilitator

Want to play with your Wii, but having trouble reaching the remote now that it's all the way down there? No problem. This dedicated, officially-licensed plinth will keep your controller at convenient hand-height at all times.

Warning: Plinth is too small and weak to store anything that isn't a Wii remote. Additional Wii remotes will require additional plinths.

The Wii remote 'charge anywhere' kit

Finally, an official rechargable battery solution for the Wii! And one perfectly integrated with Nintendo's groundbreaking room-migration technology! For no more than the price of the console itself, you'll get five chargers, which can be scattered across all the rooms in your house. Wherever you migrate your Wii to, you'll instantly have the power to play!

The Wii mega-storage hard drive

The long-awaited solution to all of your high-capacity memory needs. All the storage you'll ever need in one box!

The Wii Fit long-distance rehydration device

Playing Wii Fit? Feeling the burn and in need of refreshment? Nearest drink trapped in that cup a whole six inches away from your face? What are you going to do!? Don't worry. You don't have to die of dehydration. Nintendo has you covered. This revolutionary new technology can transport fluids over short distances with only the minimum of effort from yourself. Phew! Crisis averted!

The post-room-migration show-Wii

We know what it's like. You've migrated your Wii, but now that the dust has settled from the great upheaval, your living room feels empty and devoid of life. Just like everyone's homes did before the Wii was launched. Well worry not. You don't need to go back to those dark, cold days before Nintendo saved family life. This empty Wii shell lets you experience the stylish aesthetic and almost all the full value of a real Wii while your actual machine is in another room.

Please note: Separate set of post-room-migration show-Wii cables needed in order to show off show-Wii correctly, as well as an additional show-Wii room-migration kit if show-Wii is to be moved to another room.

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  • k1ll8saurav - April 23, 2010 1:10 a.m.

    Naww. I think Natal's gonna be used smart. Like using it for the next RTS (EndWar 2) to manage your army effectively. Or what about playing .skate 4 like a real skateboard? It might end up making the skill level of PC and console RTS, racing, fighting, and some sports games equal, make FPS slightly better than it already is. Nonetheless, it'll open up so many more possibilities with games.
  • philipshaw - April 22, 2010 1:35 p.m.

    I thought the Wii itself was useless
  • jmcgrotty - April 22, 2010 8:07 a.m.

    @Cyberninja in the scenario you described, the Revolution going unused.
  • MB2KSpicules - April 22, 2010 2:03 a.m.

    When the Wii first came out and all my friends wanted me to bring it over to play Wii sports, I acutally did buy a "room migration kit" so that I could leave my cables hooked up to my tv and take one set on the road. Though my "migration kit" consisted of super cheap third party cables/sensor bar from EBAY and cost less than $25.
  • Cyberninja - April 22, 2010 12:23 a.m.

    @D0CCON wii is fun if you just play good games and leave the crap for the cauals
  • D0CCON - April 21, 2010 10:31 p.m.

    Or the "Wii know this game sucks but we're selling it to you anyways" label that should be mandatory on 95% of all third person titles (100% if the game was made by Activision or is a movie tie-in and 98% if it is being marketed to kids). The label could be shortened into "evil cash grab" if Nintendo doesn't want the label to be too big. The Wii could have been really fun if most developers didn't port crap or shovelware onto it.
  • lovinmyps3 - April 21, 2010 10:25 p.m.

    I always thought every Wii peripheral was useless...
  • Clovin64 - April 21, 2010 6:39 p.m.

    "IT'S A STRAW!" Nintendo have done it again! Pure Geniuses!
  • InfogramesRadar - April 21, 2010 6 p.m.

    Wiicup Pro should really be Wiicup Plus
  • MrDuracraft - April 21, 2010 5:27 p.m.

    Saying Nintendo is nothing but garbage retail is harsh. But Nintendo is being harsh too because they are preying on weak and lost non-gamers that think they need the peripherals. Money is money I guess.. I hate how 80% of the games on the Wii are shit. At least Other M and Galaxy 2 are coming out soon and they can distract me from the dry spell between good Wii games.
  • PhantomDave - April 21, 2010 5:19 p.m.

    I work in retail (calm down ladies) and my disgust level with everything Wii has reached all new heights. I have, seriously, 12 different variations of the same stupid Wii-mote attachment bundles. The ones with the pointless tennis racket, baseball bat, etc... Every week it's a new pointless product. And then I look over to the Playstation and Xbox section and there like two kinds of controllers and DVD remote...that's pretty much it. Nintendo is nothing but garbage retailing.
  • MidSnacker - April 21, 2010 4:41 p.m.

    What about a nice Wii-Garbage can for my migrating needs?
  • Link555 - April 21, 2010 4:03 p.m.

    oh no some of these are terrible, but i think natal is going to be the biggest gimmick. Just like the wii eventaully only health based games will be on it.
  • Fallen_Pumpkin - April 21, 2010 2:21 p.m.

    Ah Wii's and their uselessness... How about updating your graphics so I dont feel like im playing on a PS2 again Nintendo? Nowonder I traded my Wii in!
  • Palitroke - April 21, 2010 1:49 p.m.

    What about a Wii First Aid Kit in case of any Wiimergengies?
  • IChooseUAntistaMON - April 21, 2010 1:21 p.m.

    what about a WiiR.O.B., just to play the game for you!

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