The Top 7... Stupidest Puzzles

Ridiculous riddles that defy logic, common sense... and your patience

If your answer made even the slightest molecule of sense, you clearly haven’t played enough videogames. Puzzles aren’t meant to be simple - they’re meant to sell hint books and strategy guides. Obstacles aren’t meant to be obvious - they’re meant to artificially lengthen the adventure!

Here are the seven most bizarre, irrational and frustratingly convoluted examples we’ve ever encountered. They don’t just spit in the face of logic... they kick logic right in the balls.

The Game: King’s Quest V

The Problem: While searching desperately for his kidnapped family, King Graham must cross a treacherous range of blizzard-swept mountains. He conquers extreme weather, gnawing hunger, slippery pitfalls, a ravenous pack of wolves and the cold-hearted Snow Queen herself, but one final barrier still remains – the Abominable 256-Color VGA Snowman!

The Logical Solutions:

The Stupid Solution: Pie. Yes, pie. You throw a thoroughly non-magic dessert at the monster, who is so taken aback by the complete idiocy of the situation that he promptly falls off a cliff and dies. We don’t blame him.

Ah, danger averted, Three Stooges style. Perfectly appropriate for a fantasy-based, point-and-click adventure game from 1990, wouldn’t you say? Oh, and if you didn’t think to purchase that seemingly random, surely unimportant custard pastry at the very beginning of the game, we hope you like restarting!

To summarize...

The Game: Touch Detective

The Problem: Mackenzie, a budding young investigator, is anxiously awaiting a chance to prove her skills. Suddenly, her friend Penelope bursts through the agency’s door with the case of a lifetime - something’s been stolen! Something huge! Something valuable! Yes, a nefarious, dastardly thief has run away with Penelope’s... dreams.

Wait, what?

The Logical Solutions:

•Slap the nincompoop and tell her to come back when she has
a REAL problem.
•Gently inquire whether the dreams possibly disappeared when she...
we don’t know... woke up? Explain the concept of sleep and then
slap the moron again.
•Consult a mental health professional. Seriously, this girl is nuts.

The Stupid Solution: Forget our advice - this is a cutesy, whimsical anime game

and requires an equally cutesy, whimsical solution. Maybe, say, people can visit other people’s dreams and stuff. Yeah. Using a crazy dream powder or something. Right, and the ingredients you need to access this kooky “fifth dimension” of consciousness are, like, charmingly eccentric things which, you know, just happen to be lying around the game already.

“Hot minced mushrooms”? Good thing we found these mushroom cookies earlier! “Herbal paper”? Why, the neighboring store sells herbal shopping bags! “Light a fire”? Hmmm...

Of course - a microwave! That makes the most sense of anything ever.
Case closed. Now if we could only figure out why our assistant is
a walking, talking penis...


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