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The Top 7... impractical characters

What do Solid Snake, Lara Croft and Samus Aran all have in common? They dress for success. Their own costume, be it custom-built spacesuit or bottomless backpack, is directly related to their adventuresome profession. No matter the situation, these heroes are loaded with gadgets, training and expertise that'll see them through to the end.

But not all game characters are created equal. A great many appear to have no practical application other than "the boss says this guy stays in the game." Maybe they're woefully too large for the job at hand. Or perhaps they wore the most ridiculous outfit when a simple utility belt would have sufficed. Whatever the case, they're completely impractical and would never, ever exist in any vaguely real-world scenario.

So, in all of video games' history, who makes the least damn sense? Let's see...



7. Skate (Streets of Rage 2)
Sega Genesis | 1992

Your brother's been kidnapped. Your home has been gutted and the streets are packed with 'roided-out crazies. Not one to take things lying down, you lace up some gloves, grab your lucky baseball cap and slip on your... in-line skates? Wait, what?

Who in their right mind wears Roller Blades during a street fight? You ever tried to skate across gravel, son? Or unkempt public roads? It's a nightmare, and not at all conducive to ass kicking. It's nice that you want to stand out, but there's a distinction between being different and being "different," like the guy in gym class who wears short sleeves regardless of how many metric tons of snow are crushing the school's roof. "It's not cold," he'd say. Well guess what - he's not tough, Skate isn't cool, so he should wear shoes like the rest of us. Idiot.

And to top it all off, the ingeniously named Skate looks to weigh about 20 pounds. So don’t act surprised when he's picked up and smashed over somebody's knees. That's how it would work in the real world, but in the game, well, look for yourself. Bastard's knocking 'em down faster than they can line up.

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Top 7

6 comments

  • Cwf2008 - November 29, 2008 4:17 a.m.

    Im not sure that the B-52s were painted in camo but i know that in Vietnam the F-4 Phantoms were painted in jungle camo...altough i doubt that camo did much against North Vietnamese SAMs
  • tehbarbar - December 9, 2008 12:43 a.m.

    I'm glad that someone has taken the time to talk about Disgaea, but come on, the Prinnies are awesome. Wouldn't you want a servant that was basically a penguin that you could throw at other people and they'd blow up on contact? That sounds quite practical to me, haha.
  • SirBonkers - November 18, 2008 9:17 p.m.

    Funny article. By the way, I hate to tell you, but B-52s along with many other USAF fighter aircraft were painted with modified forest or jungle camo through the first gulf war. I'm just saying.......
  • richomak27 - September 8, 2008 5:18 p.m.

    alpharmed looks quite cool camo pants or not
  • Arehexes - January 21, 2009 3:20 p.m.

    I had to make a account to post on this one. F' YEAH PRINNIES haha. I love those buggers, one prinny took out almost the whole room when I threw it.
  • vdaymassacre - March 14, 2009 6:24 a.m.

    I never liked those animals in Tekken... but hey what the hell.

Showing 1-6 of 6 comments

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