The Top 7... Collectibles not worth collecting

These days, the end is never the end. You finish a game, and instead of immediately moving on to the next game, you spend another week – if not another month or another year – hunting for hidden treasures, completing bonus missions and whoring for Achievements / Trophies.

Not all collectibles, however, are created equally. For every skull, package, purple coin and bobblehead – secrets that are both fun and rewarding to find – the 100% obsessed gamer also has to suffer through, well, one of these.

7. Mafia II

See if these numbers make any sense to you. Mafia II includes two types of collectibles. The first are retro Playboy magazines featuring classy centerfolds of naked young women who, while undoubtedly now either dead or old enough to enjoy Wii bowling, are nevertheless still very young and very naked here. How many can you find? 50.

The second set are Wanted posters, featuring…  Gangster characters from the fictional setting of Empire Bay? No. Real-life mobsters ripped straight from the history of organized crime? No. Cheesy photos of the game's developers wearing themed, store-bought Halloween costumes and pretending (rather poorly) to be tough guys? There you go.

And how many must you find? 159. The first of which is stuck on the roof of an un-climbable building and is only reachable by driving your car off the side of a freeway. Have fun!

6. Halo: Reach

What happened, Bungie? Your collectibles used to be the absolute best. Halo 2 introduced the skulls, powerful talismans that not only rewarded you with game-changing, replay-enhancing effects, but were so cleverly concealed in the obscurest corners of the missions that most players didn't even realize they existed until the Internet filled them in a few weeks later. Halo 3 added Saved Films, which made digging for this buried treasure nearly as entertaining as the main campaign. And even ODST had audio logs, which unlocked an illustrated side story, plus 125 Achievement points.

Halo: Reach, on the other hand, has data pads. They have zero effects. They are tied to zero Achievements. Your only reward for tracking them down is random, incomprehensible snippets of text that will only be of interest to those who write and/or edit Halo wiki pages. Here's a snooze-inducing sample guaranteed to prevent you from ever using our awesomely complete, yet probably pointless, data pad collection guide:


Top 7

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  • SenorHurt - October 3, 2010 11:44 a.m.

    I don't like looking for the data pads in Reach either. But I have gone skull hunting, terminal hunting in Halo 3. I did like finding the audio logs in Halo: ODST, too. But at least there isn't any incentive to go through heck to find them like an achievement. I think that one lesson that Bungie learned from Halo 3 is that if people will post where to find these items on-line if there is an achievement tied to it. And then it doesn't feel like much of an achievement if you don't need to find them because you already knew where they were. If you want some backstory go find them if you don't care there is no reason to go looking for them. I can't find anything wrong with this approach.
  • sleepy92ismypsn - October 2, 2010 2:12 a.m.

    I remember playing gex a long time ago. I enjoyed it as a kid but I never even tryed to get the collectibles.
  • Spybreak8 - September 29, 2010 6:09 p.m.

    If the collectables add to the gameplay and story than yeah I'm all for them. Rare just shows you how far we've come in this instance. Still I'm a collector and every once and a while I'll start playing a game to find everything in it while exploring the game levels in depth. This is the reason Devs put collectibles in their game environments.
  • Crabhand - September 29, 2010 5 p.m.

    I'm pretty sure I actually did collect everything in Banjo Kazooie. I was young and stupid and only had like seven games to play, so I had to do it! But the flags in Assassin's Creed really sucked, never bothered to get any of the achievements other than Assassin Mountain.
  • SausageLozenge - September 28, 2010 3:57 p.m.

    The Halo Reach Data Pads? Really? A secret collectible that they don't tell anybody about that is made for the people that are dedicated to the series and actually care about the fiction. I think you could of come up a better one. Why not the 120 stars in Mario 64, because the only reward is getting a 100 lives from Yoshi at the end, yippee!
  • philipshaw - September 28, 2010 11:21 a.m.

    I completely agree with number 1 because I have got all the secret endings. Don't judge me, GEX and Wipeout were the only PS1 games I had for a while
  • KidKatana - September 28, 2010 11:06 a.m.

    Mate, the Banjo-Kazooie hate is not justified when you consider that Rare also made Donkey Kong 64, which I think holds the official record for most bullshit collectibles in a game. Seriously, the entire game was a paper thin fetch quest that artificially extended its lifespan by blocking off areas until you'd gathered enough stuff, and even having items that you could find as any of the 5 characters, but only collect as one of them. AND it recycled bosses. So yeah, hate on that instead. Also, why does Gex even wear sunglasses when they don't cover his eyes?
  • AuthorityFigure - September 28, 2010 10:05 a.m.

    I wouldn't mind putting my reptilian pads on those tiddies.
  • avantguardian - September 28, 2010 6:03 a.m.

    i like how, in the second reach photo, it says "dismiss" if they knew how truly pointless they were...
  • reaperman22 - September 28, 2010 5:35 a.m.

    i used to like gex but after playing the 3rd one again a recently i realized that it was kind of crappy
  • Grif - September 28, 2010 5:04 a.m.

    @Defguru7777 It's all about your priorities. Some people like to get achievements, some want story. The best is when games offer both for collecting, but alas not everyone does. (I just said alas unjokingly, WTF?)
  • FauxFurry - September 28, 2010 4:53 a.m.

    How about Fable 2's Theodore, those at least gave the players and achievement (pretty pointless in and of themselves.). No, in that game, nothing beat out the Dingly Egg and the Commemorative Mug which do absolutely nothing either in-game or in some meta-gaming capacity. Well,there are just two of them and the mini-quest to get them is kind of amusing in its own right. Ah,forget it. Nothing beats out Gex's collectables for not only being pointless but demeaning to boot. It's like those clowns from Crystal Dynamics wanted to thwart all attempts at players' sub-conscious minds trying to form even one single positive nostalgic notion and to kill Dana Gould's voice acting career at its inception. Not even B-movies have the audacity to berate their audiences for watching their schlock-fests instead of giving the money they would have spent on the ticket to a charity, invest it in a business or something to that effect. Insult their intelligence,perhaps,but they wouldn't knock the audience for partaking of their products.
  • GameManiac - September 28, 2010 2:48 a.m.

    Huh, this is one of those articles where its more than just one thing increasing with every number on the list. Gex? Never (and luckily) heard of it.
  • NightCrawler_358 - September 28, 2010 2:34 a.m.

    The collectibles in Assassin's Creed 2 are really fun! Although the first ones flags were ridiculous, i liked glyphs and feathers so much, i went on to get my first Platinum trophy with that game.
  • Rubberducky - September 28, 2010 1:37 a.m.

    Charlie you are an obvious troll, hating on Halos data pad crap. I myself get a giant bonerar every time I see the word "metrics", and Halo delivers! I hope you fall in a giant cliff and die from something that hits you eventually!
  • batmanboy11 - September 28, 2010 1:18 a.m.

    Good list of shit collectibles. Also, Mafia 2's playboys are the best collectibles ever!
  • ihopethisisnotantistasblood - September 28, 2010 1:08 a.m.

    jet force gemini was worse
  • CaptCOMMANDO - September 27, 2010 11:45 p.m.

    In Banjo Kazooi you also have to collect the Jinjo's!!!
  • Strangleme - September 27, 2010 11:19 p.m.

    i can't believe the game actually had hidden messages insulting the actual audience who spent money on that piece of shit!! FUCK GEX!!!!