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In the context of a game, Achievements and Trophies are harmless. They're just carrot-dangling tactics that we're happy to indulge for our greedy pursuit of intangible virtual rewards. We wouldn't think twice about nail-bombing a kitten orphanage if it meant five more gamer points.
But, let's say, purely for the purposes of this here article, that we take Achievements and Trophies out of their virtual world settings and reconsider them in real-life situations. Suddenly they don't seem quite so innocent. In fact, some of them are sick, irresponsible, criminal, socially unacceptable and/or morally questionable. In games they give us a sense of smug, triumphant satisfaction. But if we did any of the following for real... well, we probably wouldn't be able to sleep at night.
Let It Flow: Spill 2000 gallons of blood (15G)
Well done! You simply don't care about all those people in desperate need of a blood transfusion.
Alarm for Cobra 11: Burning Wheels
Shopping Spree: Drive straight through a supermarket (10G)
Well done! You've recklessly endangered the lives of shoppers and created a worthless stockpile of damaged packet goods, tinned foods, soft fruits and toiletries.
Alone in the Dark
Fisherman's Foe: Shoot a goldfish (10G/Bronze Trophy)
Well done! You've dispatched a projectile from the barrel of a firearm and successfully targeted a harmless ornamental aquatic pet traditionally kept in a bowl of water by children whose parents refuse to buy them a proper animal companion.
Battlefield: Bad Company
Manic Lumberjack: Knock down a small forest (15G/Bronze Trophy)
Well done! You've destroyed another of the planet's ever dwindling oxygen factories and completely buggered the local wildlife.
Blitz: The League II
Testikill: Ruptured 10 scrotums (20G/Silver Trophy)
Well done! You've obliterated the baby-making equipment of 10 men. They will now have to undergo invasive exploratory scrotal surgery to have any hope of salvaging their nuts.
Bomberman Act Zero
1,000,000 Bombs: You have set 1,000,000 bombs (50G)
Well done! You are a terrorist.
Bully: Scholarship Edition
Skidmark: Give 50 wedgies (25G)
Well done! You've humiliated another human being, consequently eroding their self-esteem and causing them great emotional distress and rectal pain in the process.
Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
No Rest for the Weary: Stab an injured crawling enemy (10G)
Well done! You've stuck a sharp combat knife into a defenceless man as he drags his already-wounded-ass through the dirt.
Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood
Arkansas Fried Rooster: Blow up 10 chickens with dynamite (10G/Bronze Trophy)
Well done! You've harnessed the impressive explosive power of nitro-glycerine to exterminate a bunch of harmless, domesticated flightless birds.
Darkest of Days
Bomb Technician: Kill yourself with an explosive device (25G)
Well done! You are a suicide bomber.
Def Jam Icon
Ladies Man: Have 4 satisfied girlfriends simultaneously (35G)
Well done! You're a dirty cheating snake-in-the-grass that doesn't give a shit about other people just as long as you get a regular ride and look like the big man to all your mates.
Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard
Fire Hazard: Shoot and destroy 30 fire extinguishers (20G/Bronze Trophy)
Well done! By annihilating these pressurised protection devices you've significantly lowered the chances of a small fire being doused before it rages into a people-melting inferno.
Psychotic Prankster: Placed a grenade or mine while pick pocketing (10G/Bronze Trophy)
Well done! You are shameless, scheming, scum-bag filth with an aversion to honesty and are reviled by all decent, hard-working folk. And you like to blow up your victims in the most cowardly way possible.
Hannah Montana: The Movie Game
Big Spender: Buy 100 articles of clothing (100G/Silver Trophy)
Well done! You've become an obedient consumer of overpriced apparel stitched together in Third World sweat shops by impoverished four-year old children.
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