The most sick, morally questionable Achievements and Trophies

In the context of a game, Achievements and Trophies are harmless. They're just carrot-dangling tactics that we're happy to indulge for our greedy pursuit of intangible virtual rewards. We wouldn't think twice about nail-bombing a kitten orphanage if it meant five more gamer points.

But, let's say, purely for the purposes of this here article, that we take Achievements and Trophies out of their virtual world settings and reconsider them in real-life situations. Suddenly they don't seem quite so innocent. In fact, some of them are sick, irresponsible, criminal, socially unacceptable and/or morally questionable. In games they give us a sense of smug, triumphant satisfaction. But if we did any of the following for real... well, we probably wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

Afro Samurai
Let It Flow: Spill 2000 gallons of blood (15G)

Well done!
You simply don't care about all those people in desperate need of a blood transfusion.

Alarm for Cobra 11: Burning Wheels
Shopping Spree: Drive straight through a supermarket (10G)

Well done!
You've recklessly endangered the lives of shoppers and created a worthless stockpile of damaged packet goods, tinned foods, soft fruits and toiletries.

Alone in the Dark
Fisherman's Foe: Shoot a goldfish (10G/Bronze Trophy)

Well done!
You've dispatched a projectile from the barrel of a firearm and successfully targeted a harmless ornamental aquatic pet traditionally kept in a bowl of water by children whose parents refuse to buy them a proper animal companion.

Battlefield: Bad Company
Manic Lumberjack: Knock down a small forest (15G/Bronze Trophy)

Well done! You've destroyed another of the planet's ever dwindling oxygen factories and completely buggered the local wildlife.

Blitz: The League II
Testikill: Ruptured 10 scrotums (20G/Silver Trophy)

Well done!
You've obliterated the baby-making equipment of 10 men. They will now have to undergo invasive exploratory scrotal surgery to have any hope of salvaging their nuts.

Bomberman Act Zero
1,000,000 Bombs: You have set 1,000,000 bombs (50G)

Well done!
You are a terrorist.

Bully: Scholarship Edition
Skidmark: Give 50 wedgies (25G)

Well done!
You've humiliated another human being, consequently eroding their self-esteem and causing them great emotional distress and rectal pain in the process.

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
No Rest for the Weary: Stab an injured crawling enemy (10G)

Well done!
You've stuck a sharp combat knife into a defenceless man as he drags his already-wounded-ass through the dirt.

Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood
Arkansas Fried Rooster: Blow up 10 chickens with dynamite (10G/Bronze Trophy)

Well done! You've harnessed the impressive explosive power of nitro-glycerine to exterminate a bunch of harmless, domesticated flightless birds.

Darkest of Days
Bomb Technician: Kill yourself with an explosive device (25G)

Well done!
You are a suicide bomber.

Def Jam Icon
Ladies Man: Have 4 satisfied girlfriends simultaneously (35G)

Well done!
You're a dirty cheating snake-in-the-grass that doesn't give a shit about other people just as long as you get a regular ride and look like the big man to all your mates.

Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard
Fire Hazard: Shoot and destroy 30 fire extinguishers (20G/Bronze Trophy)

Well done! By annihilating these pressurised protection devices you've significantly lowered the chances of a small fire being doused before it rages into a people-melting inferno.

Fallout 3
Psychotic Prankster: Placed a grenade or mine while pick pocketing (10G/Bronze Trophy)

Well done! You are shameless, scheming, scum-bag filth with an aversion to honesty and are reviled by all decent, hard-working folk. And you like to blow up your victims in the most cowardly way possible.

Hannah Montana: The Movie Game
Big Spender: Buy 100 articles of clothing (100G/Silver Trophy)

Well done!
You've become an obedient consumer of overpriced apparel stitched together in Third World sweat shops by impoverished four-year old children.

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  • Romination - September 24, 2009 1:22 p.m.

    Turning Point and Fallout are my favorites. I think i would have put the fallout one just as a joke and then got the achievement (and been like 'WHOA!) and the turning point is specific...are there no other toilets in the game? they're everywhere in duke nukem 3d, and that was a long time ago! gaming lavatories should have improved drastically since then...
  • Pr0fesserCha0s - September 24, 2009 1:40 p.m.

    Well Done! GR, you just made another memorable and funny article :)
  • BeastXIII - September 24, 2009 1:46 p.m.

    "Encounter the Unknown" "Well done! You're such a belligerent punchy twat that you've somehow managed to have a swedge with the universe's most peace-loving 900 year-old goblin." Made me laugh my ass off, great article, Mr. Cundy, you UK blokes crack me up consistently... Now if only you UK tdar guys had some kinda face off against the US tdar boys... Settle the tdar supremacy battle once and for all! (In all seriousness, some kinda joint podcast would be AWESOME!)" P.S. "If you did any of these in the real-world, you'd be an a*shole." That made me giggle too. P.P.S. My friend's uncle's ex-wife's former lover's bastard child's dog's mother's owner's stalker heard that Antista said that the royal family is bollocks. You guys aren't just gonna take that... are you? Teach them limey yanks a lesson, for the Queen!
  • jar-head - September 24, 2009 3:08 p.m.

    in turning Point, Fall of Man, i thought it was ironic to kill a Nazi, by flooding his lungs with pure's only Fair...I mean...when you send over 1,000,000 Marines and airborne troops in a single day, halfway across the know your Screwed, by all Means...
  • WonsAuto - September 24, 2009 3:21 p.m.

    Haha, loved the Stranglehold achievement. Good work as always, Mr. Cundy.
  • listerfeend - September 24, 2009 4:03 p.m.

    You missed from Darkest of Days: Horse Puncher 100 Punch a horse in the face, killing it.
  • Matt Cundy - September 24, 2009 4:09 p.m.

    @listerfeend Yes. Punching a horse to death is pretty sick. Don't know how I missed it...
  • Ded - September 24, 2009 5:18 p.m.

    Amusing :D but no Fable II? I'm surprised!
  • Sandrock62 - September 24, 2009 5:35 p.m.

    OMFG, so hilarious. Favorites: Call of Duty, Fallout 3, Darkest of Days, and Bomberman Act Zero
  • nadrewod999 - September 24, 2009 5:35 p.m.

    @Ded: Fable II, while you may like it, only seems to have legal things be Achievements (some religions endorse bigamy, or two wives) This, on the other hand, is all stuff that would land you with a permanent cell right next to the Joker's in Arkahm Asylum, but simply gives you five imaginary points while playing as a virtual person, and is thus ignored by the mass media (they are not mainstream because they: 1, are totally off-key with basically all of America except themselves and politicians; and 2, said that video games are evil (with a "debate" that they ran only featuring people who are notoriously against video games))
  • nadrewod999 - September 24, 2009 5:38 p.m.

    Speaking of these achievements (specifically "Bomb Technician"), who else has seen the Warehouse 13 season finale, where they have an artifact that allows a suicide bomber to never die? I thought that was very scary. Imagine if the suicide bombers in Iraq were immediately ready to become a moving explosion all over again. We would have lost all of our soldiers and all of our support for the war years ago.
  • Conman93 - September 24, 2009 6:14 p.m.

    LOLO Games these days are brutal
  • Conman93 - September 24, 2009 6:17 p.m.

    btw, love how u used father jack on the cover of the article
  • CatrParrot - September 24, 2009 6:31 p.m.

    Great article! I knew Prototype would be on this list, I can only imagine how hard it must've been to pick only one of it's achievements.
  • Samael - September 24, 2009 6:37 p.m.

    Fucking hilarious. Do a sequel to this, I'm sure there are a bunch more evilchievements out there.
  • DirkSteele1 - September 24, 2009 6:40 p.m.

    Every game that I own that featured on this list I have the achivement in question. I think I might be morally questionable.... Great article.
  • TheGiaour - September 24, 2009 6:48 p.m.

    Probably at least detonated twice as many nukes in Starcraft as I have with Supreme Commander. Such great memories.
  • Yeager1122 - September 24, 2009 7:11 p.m.

    only done 3 of them:( i got catching up to do.
  • jamboy199three - September 24, 2009 7:15 p.m.

    great article but I Really had my hopes up for a stab at the werehog at the end like "become the werehog" you bastard
  • crimson_soulreaper305 - September 24, 2009 7:44 p.m.

    now that was funny in some weird sick way. to me GTA IV should have an achievement/trophy called "MOVE B****!!":run over 5000 people with your car/50G,gold trophy. now theres something worth getting

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