We hear it all the time. %26ldquo;GamesRadar, psshh%26hellip; That site%26rsquo;s written by 12-year-olds.%26rdquo; So, as part of an inability to take criticism, as well as an %26ldquo;Editor for a Day%26rdquo; position auctioned off to raise money for California public schools, we went out and commissioned the real deal. Good news for game makers - they%26rsquo;ll finally get their products reviewed by their intended demographic.
Let%26rsquo;s meet the lads, shall we?
We decided to test their mettle with the recently released Sonic%26rsquo;s Ultimate Genesis Collection. Sure, gamers in their twenties should be all over this fantastic anthology of the best that Sega and the early '90s had to offer%26hellip; but we%26rsquo;d be lying if we said that every title here holds up like the Mona Lisa. *cough* Fatal Labyrinth *cough*
GamesRadar: So I%26rsquo;m sure you guys have heard of Sonic.
Marcus: Yeah - he%26rsquo;s probably the only reason I know what a Dreamcast is.
Spencer: [Sings] SEEE-GA
GR: Have you heard of Streets of Rage?
S: Yes. I haven%26rsquo;t played it. But I have played Spider-Man. My dad beat it but I couldn%26rsquo;t play it much.
GR: Altered Beast?
S: It looks pretty altered%26hellip; [laughs at opening voiceover]
GR: Wait! It%26rsquo;s pretty cool - or it used to be. You get to transform into mythical beasts. Oh, kick the white wolf!
M: Kick the wolf? [shrugs]
GR: This game came packed in with the Genesis. How much would you have paid for this in 1989?
M: Two dollars.
GR: It costs more than that on the Virtual Console%26hellip; See? Now you%26rsquo;re a werewolf and you can fight the boss!
[Both laugh hysterically at the climactic boss battle, GR%26rsquo;s feelings are hurt.]
GR: Wow%26hellip; Why don%26rsquo;t you guys scroll through and pick the most appealing game.
GR: Seriously%26hellip; E-SWAT?
S: So you%26rsquo;re not just S.W.A.T.? The E is for Energize?
GR: You get a cyber suit later on.
S: You can dodge underneath bullets. That%26rsquo;s pretty cool. [At a respawning enemy] Hey, why%26rsquo;d he come back?!
GR: No one knows%26hellip; vengeance?
M: This is actually pretty fun.
S: Even if the graphics aren%26rsquo;t all that great.
GR: Cool. Decap Attack.
M: So you don%26rsquo;t have a head?
GR: Well%26hellip; actually, you have two. One in your stomach and one you pick up and throw%26hellip; It%26rsquo;s complicated.
M: I question this game.
S: [Sarcasm] This is scary.
M: [Laughs] It sounds like he%26rsquo;s farting when you jump!
S: These are your enemies? Why do they have arrows through their head?
GR: Well you have to understand, Steve Martin made that look very popular%26hellip; twenty years before this game came out.
M: It%26rsquo;s actually pretty good. Well, funny. I still laugh when he turns quickly.
S: Matrix sound effects%26hellip; oh, FAIL.
GR: You guys wanna play Ecco the Dolphin?
Ecco the Dolphin
M: Sounds kinda familiar%26hellip;
S: I think I got it off of Xbox Live. Yeah, this is the sickest game ever!
GR: Wait, really?
S: What%26rsquo;s better than a game that lets you swim as a dolphin and talk to fish?
GR: Admittedly, not much. What else do you like about it?
M: The randomness.
S: See? Look at the vortex of fish death! I%26rsquo;m giving this a 10.
GR: Sold! Ecco the Dolphin: Best Game EVER.