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Kids review the darndest games!

We hear it all the time. “GamesRadar, psshh… That site’s written by 12-year-olds.” So, as part of an inability to take criticism, as well as an “Editor for a Day” position auctioned off to raise money for California public schools, we went out and commissioned the real deal. Good news for game makers - they’ll finally get their products reviewed by their intended demographic.

Let’s meet the lads, shall we?

 

 

We decided to test their mettle with the recently released Sonic’s Ultimate Genesis Collection. Sure, gamers in their twenties should be all over this fantastic anthology of the best that Sega and the early '90s had to offer… but we’d be lying if we said that every title here holds up like the Mona Lisa. *cough* Fatal Labyrinth *cough*

 
GamesRadar: So I’m sure you guys have heard of Sonic.

Marcus: Yeah - he’s probably the only reason I know what a Dreamcast is.

Spencer: [Sings] SEEE-GA

GR: Have you heard of Streets of Rage?

S: Yes. I haven’t played it. But I have played Spider-Man. My dad beat it but I couldn’t play it much.

GR: Altered Beast?

Altered Beast
 

M: No

S: It looks pretty altered… [laughs at opening voiceover]

GR: Wait! It’s pretty cool - or it used to be. You get to transform into mythical beasts. Oh, kick the white wolf!

M: Kick the wolf? [shrugs]

GR: This game came packed in with the Genesis. How much would you have paid for this in 1989?

M: Two dollars.

GR: It costs more than that on the Virtual Console… See? Now you’re a werewolf and you can fight the boss!

[Both laugh hysterically at the climactic boss battle, GR’s feelings are hurt.]


GR: Wow… Why don’t you guys scroll through and pick the most appealing game.

E-SWAT

GR: Seriously… E-SWAT?

S: So you’re not just S.W.A.T.? The E is for Energize?

GR: You get a cyber suit later on.

S: You can dodge underneath bullets. That’s pretty cool. [At a respawning enemy] Hey, why’d he come back?!

GR: No one knows… vengeance?

M: This is actually pretty fun.

S: Even if the graphics aren’t all that great.


GR: Cool. Decap Attack.

Decap Attack

M: So you don’t have a head?

GR: Well… actually, you have two. One in your stomach and one you pick up and throw… It’s complicated.

M: I question this game.

S: [Sarcasm] This is scary.

M: [Laughs] It sounds like he’s farting when you jump!

S: These are your enemies? Why do they have arrows through their head?

GR: Well you have to understand, Steve Martin made that look very popular… twenty years before this game came out.

[Silence]

M: It’s actually pretty good. Well, funny. I still laugh when he turns quickly.

S: Matrix sound effects… oh, FAIL.



GR: You guys wanna play Ecco the Dolphin?

Ecco the Dolphin
 

M: Sounds kinda familiar…

S: I think I got it off of Xbox Live. Yeah, this is the sickest game ever!

GR: Wait, really?

S: What’s better than a game that lets you swim as a dolphin and talk to fish?

GR: Admittedly, not much. What else do you like about it?

M: The randomness.

S: See? Look at the vortex of fish death! I’m giving this a 10.

GR: Sold! Ecco the Dolphin: Best Game EVER.

105 comments

  • killerhi5 - September 27, 2010 1:45 a.m.

    ok i am a bit offended by this i am turining 14 and even i think these kids are knida stupid...... i might not know alot of gaming history but i know enough from reading G.R. i would have given alot more.... "entertaining" reviews and comments
  • Pry0citer - April 20, 2010 10:37 a.m.

    Why is everybody hating on these kids?!?! Honestly, I am the same age as these kids (13) And while I disagree with some of their opinions, I'm not going to flame an trollthem for it! They were pretty brave to do what they did, and besides it was a fundraiser. I wish i could have done what these kids got to do.
  • Oddeh7 - April 18, 2010 1:08 p.m.

    BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS
  • D0CCON - April 17, 2010 5:11 a.m.

    I don't even play Fallout 3 because of the gore and I'm double their age (the only reason I have Gears is the content filter). I'd love a filter for New Vegas, but that won't ever happen.
  • zer0hvk - February 27, 2009 10:40 p.m.

    this was very cool, publishers should try asking a younger audience about their upcoming games and what they think of them in this way, even if they're rated M for Mature, parents get their kids the game whatever the rating its got anyway, from what I've seen at GameStop stores, they (both the parents and the salesperson) don't really give a crap about the rating. great article GameRaiders!
  • Killzonic - February 27, 2009 9:51 p.m.

    yo spencer ur probaly 9 and marcus probaly gets his ass kicked by fat chicks at skool and jacks off every day in the skool bathroom,grow up you friggin nerd,urrrr aaaaa looooser!!!!!
  • thochaos - February 27, 2009 8:30 p.m.

    I guess this proves what we all suspected: 12 year old boys are retarded.
  • jesusfrk15 - February 26, 2009 1:26 a.m.

    hahaha that was sweet! a VERY clever idea!
  • Yellowhat17 - February 26, 2009 1:25 a.m.

    And to everyone who is insulting them- come on... I mean, really? Look at who you're insulting, two kids. Really? Maybe GR should do an article about 7-year-olds reviewing games, and some of the commenters here could be on it.
  • ForHopeAndGlory - February 25, 2009 5:10 p.m.

    I thought the article was great and leave the kids alone they were funny, they shoudnt be verbally bashed just because they dont know as much about the games we love. Freedom o' speech ftw
  • zer0_cool16 - February 25, 2009 1:10 p.m.

    this is so funny! ROTFL!! Especially the "button masher" remark for SF4. Whew! I wonder what they would have said with mortal kombat 3! hehe! Would have been classic review!
  • JimBro - February 25, 2009 11:41 a.m.

    WHAT THE HELL......THE BAD THING ABOUT LBP IS THE GRAPHICS
  • Tymiegie - February 25, 2009 6:43 a.m.

    Interesting seeing these games through a different lens. I thought their age showed when Spencer reviewed Left 4 Dead and mentioned it might give nightmares(thought it was pretty funny). I do have to agree though that it had an eerie atmosphere. Also the people getting so worked up over these reviews need to grow the fuck up. Berating them in such an pathetic and immature way totally goes against your assertion that these kids are naive and immature because clearly, you are too.
  • jojo13jojo233 - February 25, 2009 3:17 a.m.

    im thirteen and i can say this kids are idiots they gave ecco a 10 and street fighter 4 and 8! stupidest kids ever
  • H2A2I00 - February 24, 2009 11:44 p.m.

    these kids are noobs im just a year older and i know all the street fighter characters and they know none also they said the worst part of LBP is da graphics WTF
  • Jimmyjammy - February 24, 2009 11:25 p.m.

    I don't get how the 'First' comments get removed yet the ones just being insulting to the two kids don't?
  • MacGyver1138 - February 24, 2009 10:32 p.m.

    Ecco the dolphin ruled. I would have liked to see some even older games and gauged their reactions. Pitfall, Donkey Kong, and Super Mario Bros. come to mind. Still, it is interesting to see some younger perspectives on classic games.
  • chrisda - February 24, 2009 9:43 p.m.

    haha, probably should stop with all the comments but 12 year olds shouldn't have a vocabulary this small
  • RandyChimp - February 24, 2009 9:31 p.m.

    WTF? LBP - BAD GRAPHICS? KIDS KNOW NOTHING!
  • Schuultz - February 24, 2009 6:27 p.m.

    Great Job kids! Show the Editors how to do it, they can use any help they can get xD As for the "Street Fighter button masher" comment: Every fighter appears like a button masher unless you know what you can do when you coordinate your attacks...

Showing 1-20 of 105 comments

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