We hear it all the time. “GamesRadar, psshh… That site’s written by 12-year-olds.” So, as part of an inability to take criticism, as well as an “Editor for a Day” position auctioned off to raise money for California public schools, we went out and commissioned the real deal. Good news for game makers - they’ll finally get their products reviewed by their intended demographic.
Let’s meet the lads, shall we?
We decided to test their mettle with the recently released Sonic’s Ultimate Genesis Collection. Sure, gamers in their twenties should be all over this fantastic anthology of the best that Sega and the early '90s had to offer… but we’d be lying if we said that every title here holds up like the Mona Lisa. *cough* Fatal Labyrinth *cough*
GamesRadar: So I’m sure you guys have heard of Sonic.
Marcus: Yeah - he’s probably the only reason I know what a Dreamcast is.
Spencer: [Sings] SEEE-GA
GR: Have you heard of Streets of Rage?
S: Yes. I haven’t played it. But I have played Spider-Man. My dad beat it but I couldn’t play it much.
GR: Altered Beast?
S: It looks pretty altered… [laughs at opening voiceover]
GR: Wait! It’s pretty cool - or it used to be. You get to transform into mythical beasts. Oh, kick the white wolf!
M: Kick the wolf? [shrugs]
GR: This game came packed in with the Genesis. How much would you have paid for this in 1989?
M: Two dollars.
GR: It costs more than that on the Virtual Console… See? Now you’re a werewolf and you can fight the boss!
[Both laugh hysterically at the climactic boss battle, GR’s feelings are hurt.]
GR: Wow… Why don’t you guys scroll through and pick the most appealing game.
GR: Seriously… E-SWAT?
S: So you’re not just S.W.A.T.? The E is for Energize?
GR: You get a cyber suit later on.
S: You can dodge underneath bullets. That’s pretty cool. [At a respawning enemy] Hey, why’d he come back?!
GR: No one knows… vengeance?
M: This is actually pretty fun.
S: Even if the graphics aren’t all that great.
GR: Cool. Decap Attack.
M: So you don’t have a head?
GR: Well… actually, you have two. One in your stomach and one you pick up and throw… It’s complicated.
M: I question this game.
S: [Sarcasm] This is scary.
M: [Laughs] It sounds like he’s farting when you jump!
S: These are your enemies? Why do they have arrows through their head?
GR: Well you have to understand, Steve Martin made that look very popular… twenty years before this game came out.
M: It’s actually pretty good. Well, funny. I still laugh when he turns quickly.
S: Matrix sound effects… oh, FAIL.
GR: You guys wanna play Ecco the Dolphin?
Ecco the Dolphin
M: Sounds kinda familiar…
S: I think I got it off of Xbox Live. Yeah, this is the sickest game ever!
GR: Wait, really?
S: What’s better than a game that lets you swim as a dolphin and talk to fish?
GR: Admittedly, not much. What else do you like about it?
M: The randomness.
S: See? Look at the vortex of fish death! I’m giving this a 10.
GR: Sold! Ecco the Dolphin: Best Game EVER.