If video game jobs were true to life

Being employed ain't a box of chocolates, it's a toilet full of shit

The scientist

The video game version: An inspirational, if introspective individual, who can command men in battle with all the determination and mastery of the Desert Fox. Also known for killing several thousand aliens and the finest soup strainer this side of Tom Selleck.

The reality: Check that HEV suit at the door, Goggsy. There’s Bunsen burners that need to be tediously fiddled about with.


The student

The video game version: A peppy individual who enjoys nothing more than dabbling in deadly martial arts during their free periods. That, and beating the shit out of pandas.

The reality: If Tekken’s Ling Xiaoyu thinks she’s going to get decent grades by introducing a Chinese bear to the business end of a roundhouse kick, she’s sadly mistaken. Instead, she’d be spending all her downtime writing essays, revising and generally making her brow as furrowed as possible.


The author

The video game version: A literary champion who's capable of daring feats of bravery against supernatural forces between bestsellers. Normally a snappy dresser, too.

The reality: While Mr. Wake may wish he could wile away the hours battling possessed bulldozers, the likelihood is he’d be signing endless copies of his latest book for armies of obsessed fans in backwater malls up and down the country.


The plumber

The video game version: A big-boned national stereotype who has somehow managed to overcome racial typecasting to hold down a day job, which usually consists of fighting giant dinosaurs, saving royalty and exploring the cosmos.

The reality: Yeah, Mazza would be fishing bum cakes out of a crapper.


The journalist

The video game version: A gorgeous, inquisitive soul who leads a thrilling lifestyle, which revolves around doing anything to break a story. May often be found stripping to their undercrackers for the pleasure of perverted gangsters to obtain their exclusive.

The reality: Move over, Madison. You may think your job’s hot shit, but it ain’t got nothing on the incredible, often death-defying daily antics of your average gamz jarnalist. Wealth, respect, feats of impromptu superpowered heroism; every wordsmith of games possesses thesequalities by thebucketload, as they go about their stupidly rich,rewardinglives.

Feb 8, 2011

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