Gaming's least wise wiseguys

Alfons Capone. Henry Hill. Vito Corleone. When you think of great Mafia men, these are probably some of the first names that spring to a criminal mind. Y’know, who you don’t think of? Such woeful wiseguys as Enzo from Bayonetta, Uncle Paulie from the Darkness or that idiot you whack while dressed as a doctor with Niko in GTA IV. Yup, games have constantly been starved for a decent line-up of gangsters (well, apart from the ones they nicked from the Godfather titles). Ah well, at least most of the moronic Mafioso inside end up with a pair of concrete shoes.

Warning: There be spoilers ahead. Repeat, SPOILERS!!! Albeit pretty slight ones.

Paulie, Mafia

A hot-headed crook who often lets his little man syndrome burn into a homicidal rage. Also, he’s funny how? Hmmm, who does this remind us of? Accidentally kidnapping playable character Tommy’s taxi at the begging of the game, Paulie quickly brings the cabbie into the really shooty folds of organised crime. The pair soon become firm buddies, and their friendship is formed on the kind of frolics and values that all lasting relationships are built on. Namely roughing up shopkeepers for protection money, stabbing people in the face and fleecing banks blind.

Also seen in: Goodfellas (Tommy DeVito)

Paulie is Joe Pesci’s diminutive doppelganger. Honestly, it seems developer Illusion Softworks saw Scorsese’s crime classic and just decided to liberate the stabby character’s face for their game. Just as both characters are fond of going off on one (i.e. strangling, shooting and knifing anyone that pisses them off), they also share similarly grisly fates. Lets just say neither of them enjoyed an open coffin at their funerals.

Anthony Corrado, Grand Theft Auto IV

A dim-witted bodyguard for GTA: IV’s mob boss Jimmy Pegorino, this guy ain’t exactly don material. Forever asking stupid questions and calling his Mafioso master ‘Skip’, he’s begging for an intimate nap with the fishes. Fortunately, no footwear of the concrete variety is required, as over the course of Niko’s mob missions, it’s revealed Corrado is wearing a wire for the FBI. He then has a heart-attack when the Peg threatens him over the phone. And it’s not long until our immigrant murderer is tasked with taking him out in his hospital bed, Carlito’s Way-style. Rest easy, Anthony, you’re no doubt slow-wittedly scoffing linguine in Mafia heaven now.

Also seen in: Mickey Blue Eyes (Vinnie D’Agostino)

Just like Anthony, this heavy-set gangster is the amiable type, who gives the mob a non-threatening, if skin problem-plagued, face. Thankfully, this goodfella doesn’t have his life support fiddled with by an Eastern European, and happily survives the shitty Hugh Grant comedy car crash.

Enzo, Bayonetta

In a world full of demons, angels that resemble a cross between beautiful statues and King Kong, and witches who rock clothes made out of their own hair <shiver>, constant screw-up Enzo is keeping it real for all Italian American stereotypes. More than anything, he just loves to spout popular swear words with an endearing Mafia dwang “un-be-foiking-lieavble". Like any aspiring hood, Enzo drops the F-bomb roughly 17 times per minute. Well, when he’s not acting as a glorified chauffeur for a certain lollypop-sucking witch. Need an annoying comic foil for your game? Forgetaboutit.

Also seen in: Casino (Nicky Santoro)

Yeah, turns out Joe Pesci has pretty much monopolised the whole ‘sociopathic, tiny, fat mobster’ thing, thus why we’re sticking him in the list twice. Enzo and Nicky are a bit less murderous than Mafia’s Paulie and Goodfella’s Tommy, though. And, unlike his Casino counterpart, we’re glad to report Enzo doesn't finish the game buried alive in nothing but his undercrackers.