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Gaming’s filthiest bathrooms

We’ve murderised millions of men, killed countless cuddly animals and run over a nursing home’s worth of OAPs. But nothing has ever unhinged us like the computer crappers in the following beastly bathrooms. Unhygienic, grim and often smeared in the sort of bodily fluids you’d associate with Kill Bill rather than the John, these are the filthiest game bathrooms we’ve ever seen.

Silent Hill 3



In a tight bind, when our bowels simply can’t hold out any longer, the standards for where we’ll rest our rear-ends drop sharply. But even if we had industrial strength diarrhoea, the one thing we’d always insist on is an adequate amount of light so we can see where we’re depositing our business. Sadly, Silent Hill’s dingy and disgusting John can’t quite keep up with these rigorous standards.



Still, surely there’s nothing that can’t be fixed with some cleaning products, right?



Oh…


Boogerman




Unsightly things we’d expect to cause an affront to our eyes in toilets: faeces, urine, totally untrue accusations about our mother’s sexual activities scribbled on the wall. At a massive shin-scuffing push, we can live with these things. But really, a toilet that’s covered in so much snot it would turn our feet a nuclear-tinted green? Yeah, we think we’ll just hold it in for a bit.

Dead Space



We really feel for Isaac Clarke, the star of EA’s survival horror space jaunt. If he’s not fending off parasitical spleen-shattering alien organisms, he’s reduced to freshening himself up with the galaxy’s most blood-clogged sinks. Really, desperately trying to keep your pelvis in tact from carnivorous space beasties is one thing. Expecting a man to survive in a derelict spaceship for 20 hours without treating his mitts to a bit of handwash and a refreshing splash of water, quite another.


Final Fight



As 16-bit bogs go, Final Fight’s pixelated depository for human waste is pretty grim. For starters it’s outside, meaning there’s a high chance of freezing your knackers off before your bladder juice ever graces the urinal. Next, it’s covered in sharp implements of death, so you’ll probably get stabbed by the suspicious gent on the right. Worst of all, though, the doors to the cubicles are adorned with über offensive 80s virtual graffiti. C’mon, ‘sexy’? There are kids present, you know.

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44 comments

  • Wolf22295 - October 25, 2009 5:17 p.m.

    Wow, theres some crappy crappers!
  • Smeggs - October 19, 2009 9:52 p.m.

    I believe there was one in Half-Life 2 where there was a half-eaten torso or a dead headcrab in it, not to mention no toilet in the apartements has water in them, gross if someone went in one by accident. Also in Doom 3 there's a toilet where when you open it there is a corps sitting there...but wait, OH its a zombie and now he's trying to eat your face. Also there's a part where you look in one of the bathroom mirrors and see a vision of hell behind you. I knew public bathrooms were vile places but come on.
  • GameManiac - October 19, 2009 6:52 p.m.

    Whoever used the Silent Hill 3's toilet must've had a horrible case of EXPLOSIVE diarrhea. Yeeegh!
  • lucas5000cv - October 19, 2009 3:34 p.m.

    awesome article... =))) i never really wanted to LOOK at those parts of the game.... =))))
  • Dondada - October 19, 2009 6:03 a.m.

    I remember The Darkness having some fucked up bathrooms.
  • bonerachieved - October 19, 2009 5:26 a.m.

    You guys should've mentioned the toilet in Banjo Kazooie, now THAT was a filthy toilet
  • Romination - October 19, 2009 3:21 a.m.

    me and my girlfriend had just been commenting that bathroom technology in games needs improving...
  • FrozenImplosion - October 19, 2009 1:51 a.m.

    The ones in the new Saw game are pretty filthy also, and when I saw the title I immediately thought of Bioshock and Dead Space.
  • OoPRiNGLEZoO - October 19, 2009 1:45 a.m.

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  • TheTripleThree - October 19, 2009 12:24 a.m.

    where iz gears of war 1's chapter 4 bathroom iz ?!
  • manix0013 - October 19, 2009 12:09 a.m.

    Something about those toilets doesn't sit well with me(pun intended)
  • bloodyshadow - October 18, 2009 5:19 p.m.

    I kind of expected Loggo from Banjo-Kazooie to be in here as a joke, at least, for some reason.
  • oryandymackie - October 18, 2009 9:37 a.m.

    DAMN YOU FAHRENHEIT! Bought it, watched the initial skull-numbingly boring cutscene....and then it just went black. Black. Black. As in, in to.
  • PS360Rulez - October 18, 2009 6:41 a.m.

    Conker: Live and reloaded, has the dirtiest john of all. Its litterally overflowing with shit and a plunger half buried in the stuff.
  • R4PTUR3 - October 17, 2009 11:10 p.m.

    WHAT??? No condemned 2 toilets? What about all the dead crackheads and S**t-Packed toilets??
  • Scotch - October 17, 2009 9:23 p.m.

    wheres the one in graes one where theres just half a torn apart torso hanging from the celing???
  • civver - October 17, 2009 9:09 p.m.

    Eh, the toilets in Tenpenny Tower were really nice.
  • boristhebear - October 17, 2009 6:07 p.m.

    how about the toilets in Dementiun: The Ward, they have zombies, bugs and are overflowing. But I found a key in one yay
  • gmilf71 - October 17, 2009 4:22 p.m.

    As soon as I saw the title of this article, I knew bioshock would be there. Ooooh but what about half life 2 deathmatch? The bathrooms in the prison map are really dirty and fucked up.
  • renov93 - October 17, 2009 4:19 p.m.

    the bathroom from madworld is pretty gross, the killer toilets and all

Showing 1-20 of 44 comments

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