When you gotta go...
Being suddenly struck by the urgent need to void your bowels is a game-changer. Usually, decent human beings set a bar for where they'll excrete their bodily waste, and would prefer the comforts of clean porcelain instead of a slimy, unsanitary excuse for a lavatory. But when your sphincter starts to feel like a slowly crumbling dam, you're overcome by the defecation version of fight or flight: you either find a toilet now, or suffer the embarrassment of soiling your pants in public. In these dire straits, what might otherwise seem like the most disgusting latrine on the planet suddenly becomes--for the briefest of moments--a butt-coaxing oasis.
Games, particularly those in the survival horror genre, love to turn bathrooms in nightmarish scenes of filth, gore, and errant feces. Now, we're not talking about the weirdest things we've ever found in toilets--we're talking the bathrooms themselves. Unhygienic, grim, and often smeared in the sort of bodily fluids that aren't restricted to the waist down, these are the nastiest bathrooms weve ever encountered in a video game. But yeah, we'd probably still use them if we were moments away from shitting our pants.
I really feel for Isaac Clarke. If he's not fending off parasitical, spleen-shattering alien organisms, he's reduced to freshening himself up with the galaxy's most blood-clogged sinks. Desperately trying to keep your pelvis intact from carnivorous space beasties is one thing. Expecting a man to survive in a derelict spaceship for 20 hours without treating his hands to the comforting cleanliness of soap and water is another thing entirely.
Duke Nukem Forever
Much like the finale in Journey, the severity of this scene is really just a reflection of the player. Maybe your version of Duke Nukem chooses to defecate into toilets and leave his logs as they lie. Alternatively, some players will be unable to resist the temptation of grabbing wet feces, then chuck it around the room like they're artists enacting a smelly piece of performance art. It's subversive, in a way--the amount of stool splattered on every surface in sight is very telling of who you are as a person. But no matter how much excrement you decide to smear on the walls, there's no getting around the fact that Duke does not wipe, flush, or wash his hands after defecating. Ugh.
As 16-bit bogs go, Final Fight's pixelated depository for human waste is pretty grim. For starters, it's outside, meaning there's a high chance of freezing your balls off before your bladder juice ever graces the urinal. Next, it's covered in sharp implements of death, so you'll probably get stabbed by the suspicious-looking guy on the right. Worst of all, though, the doors to the stalls are adorned with ber-offensive '80s virtual graffiti. "Sexy"? There are kids present, you know.
What you're looking at is the most extreme version of the always embarrassing "WOAH! Occupied!" scenario. There you are, thinking you can take a leak and get back to hellion-blasting before your shotgun turns cold. But what you unwittingly walk in on is far worse than any drunken hobo, utterly defiling a public restroom, with the door unlocked. Instead of bladder relief, you find a Pinky demon chewing on what appears to be the facilities' final patron. On the upside, the pee trickling down your pants leg is a strong indication that a trip to the urinal will no longer be necessary.
JESUS CHRIST, ESTHER! I'd rather defecate into that rusty metal bucket on the ground than put my butthole anywhere near this brown-strained abomination. The only possible scenario I can imagine that led to this toilet's present state is that ten years ago, someone decided it would be a funny prank if they "forgot" to flush after expelling supersonic sewer sauce from their anus.
Let me take this opportunity to salute care workers around the world, because I can think of few jobs less desirable than overseeing the bathroom habits of the criminally insane. The Mount Massive Asylum was already a dreary place before all the psychotic murderers took over, and the state of its lavatories has only declined since. Used to be, you might walk in on a clogged toilet, or a bowl where someone let their yellow (or, God forbid, brown) mellow. Nowadays, it's all severed human limbs and disemboweled organs. On the plus side, chopped-off arms work great as a TP replacement when you're in a pinch. Do not ask me how I know that.
Over the course of Prey's portal jumping, dimension-hopping, alien-murdering escapades, you'll see some truly repugnant shit. But nothing compares to the truly horrendous sight that befalls Tommy's eyeballs within the first thirty seconds of the game. Show me loved ones getting brutally slaughtered and I'm a cold, detached husk of a human being. Show me a toilet pan after it's just been assaulted by someone with a bad case of bleeding hemorrhoids and I'm a blubbering, inconsolable baby.
The computerized cans in Fallout 3 are an offense to virtual asses everywhere. Grimy and dilapidated, they're the type of toilets that make you have an accident while trying to hold on until you get home. Even worse, they're filled with irradiated water, which Fallout's reluctant hero often has to drink from. Now that's the sign of a bad toilet: severe radiation poisoning with a big dollop of cancer to look forward to after you've wiped your ass.
Having to endure the cramped spaces, funky smells, and strange stains of a Port-A-Potty is already a trial, but this is about as gross as it gets. The second you open the latch on this john, a tidal wave of greenish-brown slurry comes spilling out, possibly causing you to vomit right then and there. Even if you can get over the fact that your shoes and pants are now covered with a thick film of liquid shit, how could any sane person bring themselves to sit on a seat that's been soaking in poo for hours (if not days)? Oh, and if your PC's PhysX engine is glitching out, you'll actually be treated to an endless waterfall of sludgy excrement. Yippee! Or rather, Yippoop!
The underwater ruined metropolis of Rapture simply isn't the place to be for the toilet enthusiast. Waterlogged, crumbling apart and with an unerring tendency of hiding homicidal drug addicts in their stalls, BioShock's toilets are a nightmarish hellhole for all good patrons of the numbers one and two. They're not all bad, mind you. Some even hold money and rare collectible audio tapes (especially useful for those marathon squats on the pan).
Silent Hill 3
In a tight bind, when my bowels simply can't hold out any longer, the standards for where I'll rest my rear end drops sharply. But even if I had industrial strength diarrhea, the one thing I'd always insist on is an adequate amount of light, so I can see where I'm depositing my business. Sadly, Silent Hill's dingy and disgusting John can't quite keep up with these rigorous standards. All the bleach in the world couldn't undo the horrors this porcelain portal has suffered through.
Unsightly things we'd expect to cause an affront to our eyes in toilets: feces, urine, totally untrue accusations about our mother's sexual activities scribbled on the wall. When a pants-soiling push comes to shove, I can live with these things. But really, a toilet that's covered in so much snot it would turn my feet a nuclear-tinted green? Yeah, I think I'll just hold it in for a bit longer.
Deus Ex: Human Revolution
Sure, it looks relatively clean at first glance--but there's something deeply unsettling about a stall in the men's room with a haphazard stack of magazines in one corner. At first, you assume that someone was just doing some light reading on the loo. Then you notice that all the magazines have bikini-clad women on the cover, and the mind begins to wander into somerather unsavory territory. As in, you'd really rather not take a dump in the exact same spot where a complete stranger was masturbating just moments ago.
Batman: Arkham Asylum
After the Joker, the Riddler is one of the most eccentric supervillains in Batman's rogues gallery. On the one hand, this criminal mastermind always seems to be one step ahead of the caped crusader, taunting his adversary with his genius-level intellect. On the other hand, the Arkham series shows us that 1) he spends an inordinate amount of time hiding little toy trophies in hard-to-reach places, and 2) he seems incapable of dropping a deuce without accidentally crapping all over the floor. With no toilet paper rolls in sight, it's a wonder how the Riddler manages to keep his pantaloons from turning dark brown.
Indigo Prophecy / Fahrenheit
Ah, the humble commode. It's the perfect place to read a paper in peace, collect one's thoughts, or get possessed and stab up a fellow toilet-dweller for no reason. Aside from being a bit grimy and having a floor covered in toilet roll, I genuinely wouldn't mind using this toilet. Well, provided I was packing a semi-automatic rifle, a bullet/stab-proof vest, and fingers trained in QTE ninja-ry.
Aliens vs Predator
The life of a Weyland-Yutani marine is a tough one. Suicidal missions. Low pay. Impromptu sexy-time when a spidery alien jumps on your face. Working for Evil Incorporate clearly doesn't have many benefits, but surely the least they could provide is toilets that won't give you a festering, communicable disease when you squat down to pinch a loaf mid bug-hunt. Faced with the prospect of using such an abysmal crapper, we'd as soon run up to a Rastafarian alien for a good skinning.
Rise of Nightmares
OK, just breathe. Let's try to figure out what might have happened here. Maybe someone who consumed a vat of pure Hawaiian Punch syrup just emptied their bladder. Maybe this toilet was custom made for vampiric dogs. Maybe... oh. It's just a toilet full of zombie blood that someone apparently decided to dip their hands into and slap their palms on the stall wall like a 3rd-grade art project. In that case, bombs away!
...you gotta go
So, feeling thoroughly disgusted by these atrocious bathrooms? Got any more in-game lavatory sights that have left you forever scarred? Share your scatological stories in the comments below--just don't make yourself sick.
And if you're looking for more, check out the weirdest things we've ever found in video game toilets , or watch us play a sick round of Toilet Kids.