We’ve murderised millions of men, killed countless cuddly animals and run over a nursing home’s worth of OAPs. But nothing has ever unhinged us like the computer crappers in the following beastly bathrooms. Unhygienic, grim and often smeared in the sort of bodily fluids you’d associate with Kill Bill rather than the John, these are the filthiest game bathrooms we’ve ever seen.
Silent Hill 3
In a tight bind, when our bowels simply can’t hold out any longer, the standards for where we’ll rest our rear-ends drop sharply. But even if we had industrial strength diarrhoea, the one thing we’d always insist on is an adequate amount of light so we can see where we’re depositing our business. Sadly, Silent Hill’s dingy and disgusting John can’t quite keep up with these rigorous standards.
Still, surely there’s nothing that can’t be fixed with some cleaning products, right?
Unsightly things we’d expect to cause an affront to our eyes in toilets: faeces, urine, totally untrue accusations about our mother’s sexual activities scribbled on the wall. At a massive shin-scuffing push, we can live with these things. But really, a toilet that’s covered in so much snot it would turn our feet a nuclear-tinted green? Yeah, we think we’ll just hold it in for a bit.
We really feel for Isaac Clarke, the star of EA’s survival horror space jaunt. If he’s not fending off parasitical spleen-shattering alien organisms, he’s reduced to freshening himself up with the galaxy’s most blood-clogged sinks. Really, desperately trying to keep your pelvis in tact from carnivorous space beasties is one thing. Expecting a man to survive in a derelict spaceship for 20 hours without treating his mitts to a bit of handwash and a refreshing splash of water, quite another.
As 16-bit bogs go, Final Fight’s pixelated depository for human waste is pretty grim. For starters it’s outside, meaning there’s a high chance of freezing your knackers off before your bladder juice ever graces the urinal. Next, it’s covered in sharp implements of death, so you’ll probably get stabbed by the suspicious gent on the right. Worst of all, though, the doors to the cubicles are adorned with über offensive 80s virtual graffiti. C’mon, ‘sexy’? There are kids present, you know.