We're not saying drinking is big or clever. What we are saying is some gamers over legal drinking age - us included - have probably played a few titles after we've had one too many. Hell, we know slowly eroding your liver by getting shit-faced and belting out tunes on SingStar probably isn't the most productive use of time. But it is fun... enjoyed responsibly, of course. That’s why we’ve put together a list of the best titles to play when you’re off your tits.
Disclaimer: This article is in no way intended to promote irresponsible or underage drinking.
Condemned 2: Bloodshot
Why alcohol makes it awesome: It gives us Dutch courage
There’s nothing like a belt or two to make us feel invincible. It’s why all of history’s great figures have been borderline alcoholics, probably. Anyhoo, in the case of Sega’s scary-ass shooter, some tasty hops or a few delicious single malts make the game’s collection of knife-wielding junkies, Chucky-esque living dolls and serial killers seem downright comical. And that big ol’ man-eating grizzly? Pah, he’s about as threatening as a Care Bear once we’ve got a few lagers, a triple vodka and some toilet cleaner in us. Admittedly, you should probably pass on that last one.
Above: That's some hard mathematical shit, right there
Why alcohol makes it awesome: It makes us think we’re rock stars
A few things we’d rather do than sing sober in front of other humans: make public speeches in the buff/ get sodomised by a rail-road spike/ buy the director’s cut of Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. That’s what makes swilling barrel loads of booze with Sony’s singing fest so damn perfect, y’see. It brutally murders all those inhibitions that make us consider letting our asses get intimate with railway apparatus before we’d yodel like idiots at parties. The more we drink, the more confident we get. And, by extremely tenuous internet comedy logic, the more awesome our singing voices automatically become. Who cares if we’re horrendously off-key? We’re rock stars, man!
Above: The one on the right knows the score
Why alcohol makes it awesome: It gives us nerves of steel
We say FIFA, but this pretty much applies to any sports game. During our average lunchtime footie fests we’re all nervous wrecks. Ballooning five yard sitters over the bar, missing free headers, letting the AI keeper win every single mind game; we suck at pressure situations while sober. But liquor us up real good and we’ve suddenly got ice running through our veins. We score with nearly every chance. We take the pressure in our stride. Hell, we’re cooler than the other side of the pillow after it’s been frozen in Carbonite and had sex with Billy Dee Williams. We’re… sobering up. Shit! Break out a bottle of Jack’s finest!
Above: We can totally recreate that Zidane Champions League final goal in FIFA when we've had a few
Shadow of the Colossus
Why alcohol makes it awesome: It nukes all that pesky guilt
Man, Sony’s ethereal adventure is properly heart-breaking if played off the sauce. It’s those eyes. Each Colossus we’re tasked with offing horribly has the most gentle, sympathetic peepers we’ve ever seen. Those giant-golf-ball-at-the-Epcot-Centre sized pupils constantly judge us. Played sober, the guilt, as we plunge our sword into their craniums in agonising slow motion, is like watching Bambi get stabbed and served up as venison kebabs. But drinking ourselves numb washes away all that unpleasant guilt and empathy. We’ll hate ourselves in the morning, sure. But for now, there’s giant monsters that need taunted, murdered and laughed at, as we dance on their enormous rotten corpses.
Above: Screw the sobbing. Man up and get some quadruple distilled vodka in you
Why alcohol makes it awesome: It makes the little a-hole semi bearable
Oh sure, playing one of the PSP’s most criminally over-looked games while embracing a life of sobriety is funny like syphilis. That’s why the good lord… or Guinness (we can’t remember which) created alcohol. With enough liver-screwing sauce in us, that shitty little Ottsel is suddenly a laugh riot. Alright, so we might lack the required motor neuron skills to negotiate his title’s tricky platforming when under the influence. But the pay-off (namely a game we can actually play without wanting to shiv everyone in a 22 foot radius every time the main character lets words come out of his stupid furry face) is well worth it. Now, where’s the nearest AA meeting?
Above: Seriously, stop. Our sides can't take being split anymore
Mar 18, 2010