Embarrassment and videogames have always gone side by side. Hardcore gamers wearing Commodore 64 clothing. Meandering outside your local game shop for a midnight launch to a chorus of inventive insults from folk falling out of pubs. Your other half catching you pulling a sickie trying to sign that elusive Chilean wonder kid in Football Manager; we’ve all been embarrassed in front of our family and friends over our gaming habits at some point.
But there’s ‘do you think anyone smelt me dropping that beef biscuit?’ embarrassment. And then there’s ‘accidentally relieving your bowels in public after one too many beers and a chicken vindaloo’ embarrassment. Guess which category someone walking in on you enjoying the following gaming shames falls into?
Shaming you silly in: Shadow of the Colossus
Sure, she might say she wants you to show a sensitive side. But just try explaining to your girlfriend why you’re blubbing like a baby over killing something that looks like the product of a steamy one-nighter between a koala and King Kong. Better get the hankies and the excuses at the ready, though. Because killing one of Colossus’ gentle giants in this enchanting adventure is like watching Bambi while parading your privates through a mincer.
Above: For most men this is Terms of Endearment in videogame form
Possible excuse: Tears? No. Don’t be stupid. It’s just hay fever. It’s winter, you say? Look the narrative is really affecting. It’s actually a moving love story. He’s braining these docile beasts for love, see. It’s just like Sleepless in Seattle. Honest.
Shaming you silly in: Metal Gear Solid/Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes
There’s nothing like a family member walking in on you while you’re ogling a TV full of digital ass flesh. But follow Metal Gear’s First Lady into the little girl’s room quickly enough in Snake’s first 3D adventure and you’ll literally catch this heroine with her trousers down. Not a great time for mother to barge in for a dirty sock-search.
Above: We had to put 'Meryl no pants' into YouTube to find this. We're so lonely
Possible excuse: What? That’s not the standard issue uniform for armed forces? But who really needs trousers in, erm… Alaska?
Shaming you silly in: Condemned, Condemned Two: Bloodshot
Who doesn’t love their dear old gran coming over for Sunday roast? Stories about the war, enough Werthers’ Originals to give you diabetes and the dear old mare hijacking the TV to watch her stories. It’s just a pity she’ll have to endure you performing one of Condemned's grizzly kills before she can change the channel.
WARNING: the following video contains OAP-upsetting killing. Mainly with big planks with rusty nails
Above: These kills aren’t for the squeamish. And you don’t need to be an alchy forensic investigator to tell that's gotta hurt
Sega’s depraved first person brawler/shooter is like an interactive version of David Fincher’s Se7en. But as much as we love games inspired by Kevin Spacey serial killer flicks – especially those that let you pop open a junkie’s head with a toilet seat - we suspect granny might prefer her soaps.
Possible excuse: Don’t worry, that’s not blood or little bits of brain. No. It’s just… erm, isn’t it time for Days of our Lives gran?