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Attention perverts! It’s the sleaziest video games ever

We like to think of ourselves as pretty open-minded when it comes to games. Over the years we've gladly torn gods' heads off with Kratos, used a cat's ass an impromptu silencer in Postal 2 and skinned an entire Wild West's worth of adorable animals in Red Dead. But never have our eyes been so offended by the nice n' sleazy games in side. Boobs. Man juice. Side boobs! Really, what is the world coming to? So in an effort to protect your delicate eyes from the filth, we’ve decided to cover the offending shots inside with wholesome Nintendo imagery. Won't somebody think of the children?!


Burning Desire (Atari 2600, 1983)

Boy howdy, if virgins sporting Return of the Jedi jammies in 1983 weren't in for one helluva treat. Officially one of the first 'adult games' ever (i.e. the sort you can whack your Johnson out over), this racy little number let you save naked women from the confines of a copter... with your cock. Set with the noble goal of rescusing these damsels from burning buildings, you have to douse the flames with your love juice. The cherry on the cake you get in prison when you're locked up for sexual assault? The women have to grab onto your engorged member if they want to get airlifted to safety.


Above: Jigglypuff, feel free to send us your shrink bills


BMX: XXX (Xbox, 2002)

Otherwise known as the game BMX legend Dave Mirra had to obtain legal documents over so his name wasn't attached to this filthy project. Originally just a shitty non nude game starring men who refused to show their nipples, Acclaim decided it needed to heap in a whole load of exposed tits of the XX chromosome variety at the last minute to get the game to sell. And the publisher would have got away with it too, if it wasn't for those pesky Wal-Mart and Toys R US stores banning the game from their shelves.


Above: You said it Luigi, pal


Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude: Uncut and Uncensored (PS2, 2004)

Good old Larry. If there's one creepy man-child to give home to all the world's sexless social retards, it's Mr. Lovage. While the original Magna Cum Laude was pretty dang risky, what with chat-up minigames involving sperm, the uncut version went the full depraved mile and decided to flash a bit of bare digital T&A all over the shop. And by 'all over the shop' we mean all over your bedshee...


Above: Now that's what we call a 1-up, if you catch our pervy drift


Rumble Roses (PS2, 2004)

The wrestling genre faced somewhat of a crossroads in 2004. Stay the honourable sweaty man hugging path that had enchanted audiences ever since an 8-bit Hulkster wowed the world with his pixelated pythons or go the half naked chicks in mud route. Oooh, tough one. And so the world was introduced to Konami's carnal scrapper, which let you put a decidedly sexual smackdown on your opponents' lady sports. Now that's a sport we can get behind <insert disturbing sex noises>.


Above: Admittedly, you can't see much, but we stuck in Professor Oak's stern face just to remind you of the guilt you should be stricken with


Singles: Flirt Up Your Life (PC, 2004)

The Sims is fine and all, but have you ever been struck by the urge to just rip all your character's clothes off, jump over the garden fence and roger the neighbour silly, while you've been taking out your virtual trash? Oh, just us, then. Thankfully for us, Singles arrived on the sleazy scene to answer our loneliest dreams. Not only did it let us arrange furniture in really anal fashion, it also let us arrange our housemate's an... yeah, we can't go there, can we? Anyway, it let you have the virtual sexy time. End of.


Above: Who wants to see them cook up a storm under the sheets when you can see Kirby cook up some delicious snacks

34 comments

  • phoenix_wings - June 9, 2010 1:30 a.m.

    Birdo was winking. WINKING! That just belongs on the cover of some smut movie.
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  • onilosmada - June 7, 2010 8:46 p.m.

    I like that a bullet is coming out of kasumi's ass.
  • Zeb364 - June 6, 2010 7:30 p.m.

    Is it just me or does adding the bullet to the DOA pic actually make it look dirtier?
  • FinderKeeper - June 5, 2010 9:01 p.m.

    Tom Nook ftw. ;-)
  • lovinmyps3 - June 5, 2010 8:28 p.m.

    The Nintendo censoring just made it more hilarious!
  • Oddeh7 - June 5, 2010 3 p.m.

    I ROFL'd so hard at "Tom Nook owns that ass" and Professor Oak' facial expressions when he looks at pr0nz reCaptcha: top musket
  • philipshaw - June 5, 2010 11:26 a.m.

    I have never played any of these but have read about them in magazines
  • cyanide4suicide - June 5, 2010 2:18 a.m.

    I've played DOAX and Rumble Roses, I'm not ashamed. Sucks to you Professor Oak.
  • shyfonzie - June 5, 2010 1:17 a.m.

    IM SORRY OAK!
  • soren7550 - June 4, 2010 11:38 p.m.

    No Custard's Revenge? Or is that too obvious/mentioned a billion times too many?
  • bugcatcherjason - June 4, 2010 10:09 p.m.

    Just by looking at the Wii's "massage" game, I can tell that Nintendo really doesn't care about making good games. Even out of sleazy games, it still looks the worst. That shit was made in 2010? This is degrading, Nintendo.
  • RebornKusabi - June 4, 2010 7:46 p.m.

    I played BMX XXX because I used to be a BMX-er myself but was turned off by it, ironically, because of it's sexual content that did NOTHING for my 15 year old self. reCAPTCHA- of seediest (o ic wat u did thar gamsraderz!1)
  • J-spit - June 4, 2010 7:44 p.m.

    That last one had to be the funniest. "Earn that Nintendo Seal of Quality" rofl reCaptcha: pullmanshad
  • Evil_AppleJuice - June 4, 2010 7:33 p.m.

    The professor Oak part made me laugh really hard. @Madserj I love your avatar! I too saved that picture from this website oh so long ago
  • Madserj - June 4, 2010 7:04 p.m.

    Burning desire was apparently on the Amiga 2600 in 1983?? Sweet hybrid.
  • EricBratcher - June 4, 2010 5:59 p.m.

    I would suggest Custer's Revenge and Beat 'em and Eat 'em, but we've covered those before and I might be the only person ancient enough to remember them.

Showing 1-20 of 34 comments

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