Google+

8 characters you would never trust with your kids

Parents like to claim that videogames are destroying our nation's youth, but that doesn't stop them using the Wii, Xbox 360 and PS3 as surrogate babysitters so they can continue having unprotected sex and squirting out more little toads that they won't look after properly.

With this in mind, it's clear that videogames and the characters within have a moral and social responsibility to our future generations. Basically, they all need to be qualified to look after our kids, and they're going to have to shape up pretty sharpish in order to meet our high childcare standards.

We've taken a look at some of the least suitable videogame characters, and what they need to do in order to make fit babysitters. Read on to make sure which of these social misfits you won't want near your firstborn.


Tingle




They say that one shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but let's be honest—if the book's cover says "creepy little midget in tight spandex will probably lick your eyes while you're asleep", then chances are good that you're dealing with a creepy little midget in tight spandex who will probably lick your eyes while you're asleep.

Tingle is obviously some kind of irreverent sex pest and should not be allowed near children, the elderly, animals and those recovering from invasive surgery. Some people just look like sex pests, and while it may be cruel to mistrust a man based only on his stature and dress sense, you can't take a risk when it comes to your kids. If you asked to look in the trunk of Tingle's car before leaving him alone with your child, nobody would be shocked if you found beer, a length of rope and a plastic bag full of condoms.


Kratos


You need patience, compassion and a whole lot of heart when it comes to looking after children, and there's something about Kratos that tells us he might not be quite cut out for the gig. It might be the lack of clothing, the chained blades fused to his arms, or his tendency to shout all the time. It could also be the fact that he's a mass-murdering psychopath who cuts open any unfortunate soul who so much as looks at him funny… including his own wife and daughter.

Kids are amazingly annoying entities, able to push the limits of even the firmest temper. We have a feeling that if we let our screaming, demanding, irritating little offspring within fifteen yards of Kratos, who doesn't even take crap from Olympian Gods, it would be a matter of seconds before we were trying to peel Junior's face from the ceiling.

58 comments

  • michaelmcc827 - April 16, 2010 7:52 p.m.

    BY JIM STERLING??? Ew, gross!
  • TizzleSniper - April 16, 2010 7:53 p.m.

    lol, the diglit one was so awesome
  • lava_lamp - April 16, 2010 7:53 p.m.

    Wait, what? This article says it was written by a Jim Sterling. 0_o
  • Hexar - April 16, 2010 7:53 p.m.

    I enjoyed the direction you went with Sephiroth. The gender bending issue however would keep the kids occupied. Oh and: Baraka .... wins....
  • OnyxOblivion - April 16, 2010 7:54 p.m.

    Kratos would be a great babysitter! Sure, the baby would be dead, and the house would be a wreck...But you could pay him in imaginary red orbs!
  • lava_lamp - April 16, 2010 7:57 p.m.

    Awe, after reading it I can deffiantly say it wasn't written by Jim Sterling :( That would've been sweet if GR hired him.
  • litrock - April 16, 2010 7:59 p.m.

    Jim Sterling? God, that is the best thing ever. The most hilarious games troll with the most hilarious games site? That is the apocalypse of awesome.
  • EricBratcher - April 16, 2010 8 p.m.

    Surprise! In addition to his existing duties elsewhere, THE Jim Sterling has agreed to grace GR with some of his own personal brand of "isn't there medication for this?" insanity. Bask in it, people. This guy knows how to punch a yak. Oh, wait - that's a different article. Stay tuned.
  • QWERTYCommander - April 16, 2010 8:02 p.m.

    Also, Diglett would leave a lot of holes in the floor.
  • 510BrotherPanda - April 16, 2010 8:03 p.m.

    http://www.vgcats.com/super/?strip_id=32 Is this why Diglett would be an unsuitable baby sister? Accidental R-Ape?
  • Wikipares - April 16, 2010 8:04 p.m.

    Jim Sterling? On Games Radar? Dear God. My head may explode from the awesome.
  • Felixthecat - April 16, 2010 8:09 p.m.

    JIM STERLING IS WRITING FOR GAMEZRADAR?!?!?!?! OMG YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!
  • DoubleJ - April 16, 2010 8:19 p.m.

    How could you not include to add the Noid from "Yo! Noid"? He did very bad things to me when I was a child.
  • DoubleJ - April 16, 2010 8:21 p.m.

    Also, credit to the great Jim Sterling for me even signing up here to leave a comment on this article. Looking forward to seeing more from him here, and elsewhere.
  • Ramijiman - April 16, 2010 8:40 p.m.

    tingle creeps me the hell out!!!
  • JackSkellingtonsSkin - April 16, 2010 9:29 p.m.

    Wait the Origami Killer may have some murderous tendancies but they proved themself of being able to care for children who are not in the 10-12 male bracket. I would gladly thrust my kids with the Origami Killer anyday.
  • dalenorth - April 16, 2010 9:32 p.m.

    Who is Jim Sterling?
  • jesusfrk15 - April 16, 2010 10:38 p.m.

    if sephiroth were to raise a child, he would probobly corrode it's little mind
  • Cyberninja - April 16, 2010 10:43 p.m.

    i would let diglett watch my nepfews any day if a burgler came in it would use a rock slide to crush them
  • RebornKusabi - April 16, 2010 10:45 p.m.

    Holy ****! Jim Sterling?! That's seriously awesome! I haven't even read the article, just saw the name... thought "wait WHAT" and read the comments to see if my brain wasn't ****ing up lol

Showing 1-20 of 58 comments

Join the Discussion
Add a comment (HTML tags are not allowed.)
Characters remaining: 5000