8 awkward first dates with video game characters

The dating scene is brutal. Too short, too tall, too fat, too thin, too hairy, too bald, too obsessed with anime figurines... It’s tough to find that special someone that you want to annoy for the rest of your life. And that got me thinking. If it’s tough for normal, well adjusted (haha) human beings then it must be doubly-so for the video game characters who lead extraordinary lives.

Look, I know the difference between reality and fiction, but that doesn’t stop me wondering about how it might play out if video game characters could date, and love and live normal, wonderfully average lives. Here’s how it might play out if our favourite female characters played the field.

Date one: Lara croft (Tomb Raider)

Lara,” I said, taking off my scarf and sitting down next to her. “You look... different.”

Lara and I had been friends a while back, and she'd changed an awful lot since the last time I saw her. We agreed to meet at a bar near her place.

“Do I look better, or worse?”

“Better! Hah, much better. Much more... relatable.”

“I've been through a lot. Shot a man in the face. Skinned a deer. Skinned a bunch of deer, actually.”

“Oh, do you make things out of the skins?”

“Not particularly. I just like skinning them.”

“That's nice.” I ordered a drink; Lara already had hers. She looked great.

“So, been up to much else?” I asked.

“Shot a load more men in the face. Set some on fire. Became a cold-hearted warrior.”

“Good. Great.”

I drummed my fingers on the table. Lara broke the awkward silence as she looked down at her watch.

“Ah – I've been in this building for three minutes, which means that it's probably going to collapse any second now.”

“We're... on the ground floor.”

“Doesn't matter. Hidden ravines, probably. That's how I get everywhere these days,” she sighed, “by falling down a series of hidden ravines under collapsing buildings and trying not to get myself impaled. Hand me that shotgun, would you?”

I managed to get it to her just in time to see her disappear through the floor. Not a great start.

Next up... Elizabeth, from BioShock Infinite



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  • rxb - October 22, 2013 7:05 a.m.

    Very funny. I'd take my chances with Bayonetta.
  • GoldenEagle1476 - October 21, 2013 3:21 p.m.

    Thank god you didn't go all the way with Citra.
  • mentalityljs - October 21, 2013 2:08 p.m.

    Good stuff! What about doing an article match-making the 'gamers we hate playing with' profiles with game characters. That could be fun.
  • Sjoeki - October 21, 2013 9:38 a.m.

    This is one of those reasons why this is one of the first sites I check when I get home, great job! Elizabeths date was pure magic! Would like to see a date with tali, with her taking apart the furniture or something so she could ship it back to the flotilla, where you have to help her with her emergency induction port as she is starting to get drunk, or that awkward moment where you give yourself a nosebleed as you hit into her helmet trying to go for a kiss.
  • bedelicious - October 21, 2013 8:59 a.m.

    No male characters? :(
  • GrantHowitt - October 21, 2013 4:06 p.m.

    Next time, I think, yeah. Wanna get me some of that Solid Snake action.
  • bedelicious - October 22, 2013 6:05 a.m.

    Nice :D
  • Y2Ken - October 21, 2013 8:51 a.m.

    Oh, and great article by the way. Funny stuff!
  • Y2Ken - October 21, 2013 8:50 a.m.

    ... Nope, I'd still want to go out with Bayonetta. Only other issue being that she's something like eight feet tall.
  • GR_RyanTaljonick - October 21, 2013 8 a.m.

  • Mdgeist316 - October 21, 2013 6:35 a.m.

    I damn near spit out my coffee while reading this. Good job.
  • C.King - October 21, 2013 6:25 a.m.

    the tomb raider just skins for the sake of skinning? funky
  • Talvari - October 21, 2013 5:09 a.m.

    Awesome article xD