The dating scene is brutal. Too short, too tall, too fat, too thin, too hairy, too bald, too obsessed with anime figurines... It’s tough to find that special someone that you want to annoy for the rest of your life. And that got me thinking. If it’s tough for normal, well adjusted (haha) human beings then it must be doubly-so for the video game characters who lead extraordinary lives.
Look, I know the difference between reality and fiction, but that doesn’t stop me wondering about how it might play out if video game characters could date, and love and live normal, wonderfully average lives. Here’s how it might play out if our favourite female characters played the field.
Date one: Lara croft (Tomb Raider)
Lara,” I said, taking off my scarf and sitting down next to
her. “You look... different.”
Lara and I had been friends a while back, and she'd changed
an awful lot since the last time I saw her. We agreed to meet at a bar near her
“Do I look better, or worse?”
“Better! Hah, much better. Much more... relatable.”
“I've been through a lot. Shot a man in the face. Skinned a deer. Skinned a
bunch of deer, actually.”
“Oh, do you make things out of the skins?”
“Not particularly. I just like skinning them.”
“That's nice.” I ordered a drink; Lara already had hers. She
“So, been up to much else?” I asked.
“Shot a load more men in the face. Set some on fire. Became
a cold-hearted warrior.”
I drummed my fingers on the table. Lara broke the awkward
silence as she looked down at her watch.
“Ah – I've been in this building for three minutes, which
means that it's probably going to collapse any second now.”
“We're... on the ground floor.”
“Doesn't matter. Hidden ravines, probably. That's how I get everywhere these
days,” she sighed, “by falling down a series of hidden ravines under collapsing
buildings and trying not to get myself impaled. Hand me that shotgun, would
I managed to get it to her just in time to see her disappear
through the floor. Not a great start.
Next up... Elizabeth, from BioShock Infinite