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The culprit? Sonic the Hedgehog
Drug Trafficking
"Talk about a grade-A scumbag, this guy was so high he thought a burger bun with eyebrows was out to get him - kept calling it a 'goombo' or a 'gomba', or something. Sounds like classic mafia slang to me. A thorough check on the suspect's vehicle turned up a hidden compartment cut directly into the driver's side dashboard, fully loaded with all sorts of narcotic nasties.
"'Shrooms, ecstasy, prescription paid meds, you name it, this guy must've been raking in all kinds of cash pilfering medical kits. When asked where he was going with all of that contraband, the suspect insisted he'd been expected at a charity sports gala. When asked to clarify which sport in particular, the accused responded by frantically listing off several different activities. He just couldn't keep his story straight. Recommend he be held for further questioning."
The culprit? (Dr.) Mario
Arson
Excerpt of police report marked 1081341F-5:
"Authorities were alerted to the fire at the Bison Fitness Centre at approximately 9.07am, with the blaze brought fully under control an hour or so later. Staff reported that a free yoga class had just gotten underway in the main hall when the alarm sounded. Articles 1 & 2 mark the two sources of the fire, which the local marshal indicated were set at roughly the same time.
"Their placement suggests arson, though just how this prospective arsonist was able to light both fires and escape all at once remains unknown - footprints gathered at the scene point to just the single assailant, but are localised in the room and do not lead even towards the door, let alone anywhere else in the building. Who had the most to gain by shutting down a free yoga class and why did one traumatised visitor claim to have seen "a like totally shredded Ghandi" in the vicinity earlier that morning?. Inquiries are ongoing."
The culprit? Street Fighter's Dhalsim
Crime doesn't play
How many of these damnable villains did you manage to put away? How many of you wrongfully convicted an entirely innocent Luigi? How will he fare in the cellblock B showers? Answer these pressing questions and have your say in the comments box below.
Looking for more of this sort of nonsense? Check out Solid Snake doing mundane, unexciting jobs, and then maybe have a look at the state of Video game characters' school report cards
