Don't be fooled by the rhetoric, Jimmy - crime is everywhere. It's in our schools and our morgues, our ferris wheels and our delicious salty snacks. See that front lawn lemonade stand over there? Pretty innocuous, right Jim? Wrong. It's actually a cartel meth lab. This elderly pensioner? Meth lab. That award-winning men's choir? Also a meth lab. Yes, the rancid smell of crime emanates from every ditch and gully of our great nation, eyeing up every loose cent and penny, every elderly peace-loving local and friendly family dog. Why, there is it again, peering in your window, kicking at your loved ones, tearing upon the very Teflon-coated fabric of our society.
It's even begun to infect our video games. Did you know that 'Grand Theft Auto' encourages children as young as 18 to act out murderous rampages, doing so at the behest of Satan himself? This has got to stop. We must bring these video gaming criminals to justice. So how about it? Are you a 'bad enough dude' to solve the following game-related crimes? The game is afoot!
The accused party has yet to be named by police, though it's believed he maintains strong business links with the Animal Crossing community. Authorities were alerted to the creature's activities - namely the extortion and forced labour of nave human tourists - via an anonymous tip.
"We here at the Animal Crossing P.D. have been working diligently to improve upon our human, non-human relations. The collapse of human civilisation - with its routine mistreatment and mass patronising of animals - is still no excuse for this kind of barbarous criminal activity. Humans are our pets, they deserve a degree of freedom. Two chores a day max."
Police Chief Copper's comments come just one week on from the arrest of another local businessman - one Mr. Sonny Resetti, accused of the unlawful fracking of private land. Mr Resetti maintains his innocence, claiming he was simply trying to "encourage others to save their town". Both investigations continue.
The culprit? Animal Crossing's Tom Nook
"I'd just come back from my lunch break when I spotted a bloke jimmying the store room door with what appeared to be a boomerang. I guess he didn't know about the new voice recognition software the company had had installed a month before. Anyways, he finally catches on and he pulls out this big blue hairdryer looking thing, all peppered with holes it was - and just starts blowing on it. A few seconds later, out comes this perfect rendition of Frank Potter's name, complete with his broad Yorkshire accent. I was amazed.
"The door flung open and the fella just stood there for a second, looking all intense - he was shaking from the waist down, and it seemed he was drooling slightly. Just as I went to telephone the police the guy just started laying into all the pots, just smashing and crashing and stabbing at all these expensive ceramics. I'm sure I spotted him touching himself at one point. Real sicko this guy. I hope they catch him."
The culprit? The Legend of Zelda's Link
"So I'm waiting for the second half to start when this big floating glove just sprints on to the field and starts flicking off its clothes. I figured it was pretty damn funny to begin with, but then I realised that gigantic hand beasts aren't even meant to exist in the first place and that by witnessing this spectacle I was actually participating in mankind's first contact with an alien species.
"So began a brief but intense existential crisis that wrapped itself up just as the hot dog vendor appeared and the second half got underway."
The culprit? Smash Bros.' Master Hand
"A sense not only of shock but also of disbelief here today at Willamette Parkview Mall, where earlier this evening security guards discovered the creatively dismembered remains of long-time janitor Otis Washington. Colleagues described the victim, a 67-year-old Willamette native, as being 'friendly', 'kind-hearted' and 'perhaps the most annoying old man in the history of the earth'.
"While police have yet to name any official suspects, local PD has released a list of items they believe were used in the murder, in the hopes that regional storeowners may recognise the unusual slew of purchases. Items include 8x three litre bottles of concentrated orange juice, 1x Adult-size bowling ball, a multicoloured parasol and a cactus. Those with information are encouraged to contact the authorities right away."
The culprit? Dead Rising's Frank West
Excerpt of police report marked 1077987A-9:
"Officers came upon the scene in question while investigating suspected pimp Saygarr F. Emericka. Upon being confronted, the room's solitary occupant fled at great speed, leaving behind several personal possessions. Crime scene analysts point to the presence of up to 3 clients or 'johns', each of whom appears to have discarded a wedding or engagement ring as payment.
Particular interest should be paid to the blue-tinted quills or 'spines' dotted about the bed region. In addition, a number of handwritten notes were also discovered - though officers are still trying to ascertain their exact origin. Who is Saygarr's top pull and why is he pimping them out to so many suitors?"