Ballin'!
Few things in life transcend cultural boundaries, class, creed, race, and gender. Music, for instance. Film, maybe. And nutshots. Everyone loves to see someone doubled over in pain, clutching their most valuable assets as they question their future prospects at fathering a child.
While movies and television have certainly had their fair share of memorable sack taps, video games have taken crotch punching to the next level by making them interactive. No more will you stand idly by as you watch someone get kicked in the family jewels--now, you get to be the one to heap untold misery upon these virtual dudes and their precious scrotum. I have scoured the globe in an attempt to bring you only the choicest of nutshots in video game history--here are seven of the best ball busters of all time.
7. Kick 'em while they're down in Bully
School is rough. The preps want to ostracize you, the jocks want to beat you up, and by the end of the day you're hanging from your locker door by the seam of your underpants. No? Just me, then? *cough* Anyway, Rockstar's Bully gives you an opportunity to fight off these would-be pranksters with some effective nutcrackers of your own.
Jimmy Hopkins is the newest delinquent at Bullworth Academy, and when those mom jokes, spitballs, and noogies get a little out of control, a quick tackle to the ground sets him up for a good, swift knee right to the groin on these sweater vest-wearing tools. It's such a devastating attack that these stuffy rich kids lie reeling on the ground, clutching their family jewels while lamenting the future of their tarnished lineage. Hey, they started it.
6. Crotch-punching around town in Saints Row: The Third
Living in Steelport must be hell on Earth, being subjected to the whims of a violent psychopath. You're an innocent civilian, moseying along, minding your own business. "Good day, sir! Hello, ma'am, how are the kids? Oh, look, the leader of the Saints is running right toward me! Maybe he wants to say helOH GOD, MY BALLS!!!" Repeat for every day of your miserable existence.
Saints Row: The Third gives us one of the greatest joys in video games--a button dedicated solely to smacking people in the babymaker, and there are more animations than you'll ever need. Run up and give 'em a quick jab with your fist, or smash 'em in with the butt of your shotgun. However you do it, the result is always the same: a huddled mass of pain and misery. You'll even earn an achievement for your emasculating efforts. "Ow, My Balls!" indeed.
5. Smashing brass balls with cinder blocks in Conker's Bad Fur Day
Conker's Bad Fur Day may be rated "M for Mature," but it was the game to own (or, at least rent behind your parents' back) if you were a teen during the N64's heyday--and it even works a pretty satisfying nutshot into one of its boss battles.
A gigantic brass boiler with equally enormous brass balls stands between our plucky hero and the next stop on his adventure. So what's a squirrel to do? Drown him in sludge and smash his cojones with a pair of cinder blocks, that's what. The camera cuts away at just the right moment to focus on the boiler's screams of agony--complete with steam whistle. After few hits, Conker moves in for the coup de grce: a rapid-fire fury on its metallic testicles, detaching them with the fervor of a squirrel foraging for nuts.
4. Redman's "Balls to the Wall" attack in Def Jam Vendetta
The Def Jam series pits famous hip-hop artists like Funkmaster Flex and Ghostface Killah against each other in white-knuckle cage match brawls, but one man's brutality causes all of the other contenders to cover their genitals in fear: Redman.
First, he lifts his victim high up in the air by their neck. "How high," you ask? High enough to punch them square in the baby maker not once, not twice, but three times, casually tossing them to the ground after the last hit. But no, Redman's not through yet. He strolls over to his prostrate opponent, and gives them a final punt in their no-no spot for good measure. How the fight isn't instantly over is beyond me--I would have feigned death from the start.
3. Man's best friends destroys man's other best friend in Dead to Rights: Retribution
Dead to Rights: Retribution is the video game equivalent of one of those direct-to-video Steven Seagal movies. In fact, the only thing that makes this game stand out from every other generic action title out there is protagonist Jack Slate's dog, Shadow--and how he eats balls for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Jack must have been feeding his dog nails and giving him hugs with a taser, as Shadow is one of the most brutally trained dogs in the history of dogs. Dead to Rights: Retribution lets you take direct control of this loveable pup, with the sole purpose of hunting down every last one of Jack's assailants and biting their genitals and violently ripping them out. And what's Shadow's reward for chomping down on this precious chunk of man-flesh? A dog biscuit or a pat on the head? Nope, his reward is the much-coveted "Scrotality" achievement. I guess that's better than a new chew toy.
2. Johnny Cage goes a little overboard in Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks
If there's one thing I learned from the Mortal Kombat film (and I've learned many things from it), it's that you do not mess with Johnny Cage's $500 sunglasses unless you want to get punched right in the wang. And while various Mortal Kombat games have offered variants of Cage's signature nut punch, Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks takes it over the top.
For this fatality, Johnny Cage does the splits (as he is wont to do), and gives his victim a solid six punches right in the dangly bits. He's not done yet. After smugly turning to the camera and lowering his shades for a wink, he turns back toward his physically and emotionally scarred foe and continues to treat their nards like a speed bag. With one final blow, he severs their torso completely from their legs. He may look like a Hollywood poser, but I'd rather fight anyone in the world over Johnny Cage.
1. Shoot Hitler in the balls in Sniper Elite V2
Did you know that Hitler may have had only one testicle? It's true--well, at least it's true according to Sniper Elite V2's X-ray kill-cam. The developers at Rebellion have given you the wish-fulfillment fantasy to rub out the leader of the Third Reich--so of course that means you should aim right for his nuts. You could even sing the rousing British hymn "Hitler Has Only Got One Ball" while you're at it.
Sniper Elite not only lets you kill with accuracy, it gives you the opportunity to see every last gory detail of that bullet's trip through the human body--and yes, that even includes the testes. So why not signal the defeat of the most despotic leader in human history and end World War 2 with the most scrotally-devastating shot ever? Just make sure you adjust for wind and bullet drop.
