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Six happy game endings... that are actually horrifying

Son lives happily ever after with neglectful father, mother completely forgotten

Providing a horrendous happy ending in: Heavy Rain

Awwwww. Ain’t it sweet? Just looking at the happy family of Ethan, Shaun and Madison warms that beating, clinical organ we call the heart. Yet we can’t help shake the feeling that there’s something slightly amiss with this picture of suburban bliss. Hmmm, we suppose it could be the fact that the game completely forgets about Ethan’s sodding wife.

We can get she was fine with Ethan hooking up with another woman after the whole mall/child death unpleasantness. But what, are we really supposed to believe she’d be cool turning custody over to the guy that, y’know, let her other kid get run over thanks to gross parental negligence just a few months before? We’re calling all sorts of bullshit on this one.

That brat Shaun doesn’t seem to care he’s been lumbered with the one parent who was responsible for his brother’s death, either. Just as long as he gets his own bloody room. Honestly, we pity poor Mrs. Mars. One kid dead and the other living with his borderline schizophrenic dad. Where’s the ending that shows her under a bridge drowning her sorrows with tramps?


Above: One of whom's a clown for some reason

Man destroys magical city, gets some ass

Providing a horrendous happy ending in: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

Wow, that Shambhala place sure is pretty, ain’t it?

It’s also a mystic kingdom of spiritual wonder where peace, tranquillity and happiness are said to reign. And those weird-ass, slightly homicidal yeti folk who live there? Legend as it that anyone who lives in the city are enlightened beings. So yeah, all in all a pretty dang awesome place… until some asshole renegade explorer ends up blowing it and everyone who resides there to kingdom come by shooting the Tree of Life.

That’s right, Nathan Drake single-handedly destroys the happiest non Disney-sanctioned place on Earth. Forget about murdering all the nice yeti men who were only trying to protect their wondrous homeland. Forget how incredibly enriched humanity could have become with this mystical place. Clearly all that matters is Drake getting a peck on the cheek from Elena.

Honestly, some people. When Uncharted 3 comes out, we’re so walking Drake into the first bottomless pit we find.


Above: See you later, douchebag

New Yorkers save city from Russians, probably all get killed five minutes later

Providing a horrendous happy ending in: Freedom Fighters

To quote Obi Wan Kenobi: “The Russians will be back, and in greater numbers.” Freedom Fighters’ ending party is about as cheerful as a rave at a crematorium when you actually look at it a little closer. Sure, the plucky Americans have temporarily beaten back the Soviets who invaded New York, but main hero Chris admits they’ll just be back with more guns and bigger weapons.


Above: Sheeeeeeeeeit

All the democracy-loving renegades manage by conquering Governor’s Island is to piss off an entire nation who already have the will and capability of successfully invading one of the greatest cities on Earth. Everyone might be partying like it’s 1983 and they’re an Ewok on Endor, yet there’s no getting away from the gloomy fact every character in the game is probably going to get wiped out by a second Soviet invasion within weeks. And that children, is why we’ve never had a Freedom Fighters 2.

So as we’ve just proved the real motto of many games, just as in life, is everything sucks, then you die. Have a great day, folks!