Skip to main content

50 Funniest Woody Allen Quotes

Big Brother

The Quote: "I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government."

Words Of Wisdom? As wise as they come – plus an intelligent twist on overly paranoid UFO seekers.


The Film: Stardust Memories (1980)

The Quote: "I took one course in existential philosophy at New York University and on the final they gave me ten questions. I couldn't answer a single one of 'em. You know? I left ’em all blank... I got a hundred."

Words Of Wisdom? Definitely – a none-too-cynical appraisal of the stupidity of examining bodies.

Getting Political

The Film: Deconstructing Harry (1997)

The Quote: Doris: You have no values. With you it's all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win

Words Of Wisdom? We’re surprised nobody’s actually tried to run for office with that slogan in France. That was Sarkozy’s fatal error, clearly.

Raise It Up

The Quote: "Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

Words Of Wisdom? Too much sex could lead to you doing yourself an injury though. Or turning into Brandon Sullivan...

Red Right Hand

The Quote: "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

Words Of Wisdom? Really funny and yes, pretty true, too. Sadly.

Culinary Genius

The Film: Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)

The Quote: "Taste my tuna casserole – tell me if I put in too much hot fudge."

Words Of Wisdom? Not particularly. Unless you enjoy a little experimentation in the kitchen.

Success Story

The Quote: "80% of success is showing up."

Words Of Wisdom? A surprisingly motivating statement from the worrisome little fellow. This is one to pin above your desk.

Mad Math

The Film: Zelig (1983)

The Quote: "I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people."

Words Of Wisdom? More of a clever quip than actual wisdom.


The Quote: "This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?"

Words Of Wisdom? A typically pessimistic stance from the auteur, though a pretty succinct summation of celebrity’s short life span.

Compose This

The Film: Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)

The Quote: "I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."

Words Of Wisdom? It’s sort of like saying listening to Abba makes you want to eat meatballs and talk like the Swedish Chef. Which, actually, it sort of does...