If a fight breaks out in a pub, all patrons will become involved...
The Lie: A crowded watering-hole is like a bomb waiting to go off. As soon as one punch is thrown, the whole place will erupt into a single, brawling mass. Even people who have been happily chatting away all night are just waiting for the green light to knock seven bells out of each other.
The Liars: Shane, Pirates Of The Caribbean, most Westerns.
In Real Life: Most people go to the pub for a drink rather than a fight. Unless you live in Glasgow, of course…
Surprising news makes you clumsy...
The Lie: Receiving bad news automatically causes you to drop whatever it is you’re holding. Coincidentally, bad news is 76.8% more likely to arrive if you are carrying an expensive piece of glassware. Finally, bad news received over the phone automatically negates the listener’s ability to hang up the receiver.
The Liars: The Usual Suspects, Armageddon, Amelie
The Reality: Whilst it might be tempting to greet ill-fortune by smashing the place up, nobody has ever dropped a vase in shock. That’s a fact. Look it up.
Skateboarding is cool...
The Lie: Riding a skateboard demonstrates a person’s fun-loving cheekiness, rebellious nature and ineffable sense of cool. Carrying a skateboard is a status-symbol that drives the girls wild, and earns a wry smile and a shake of the head from the town elders. Every self-respecting teenager should own one.
The Liars: The Simpsons Movie, Back To The Future
In Real Life: Around 2% of skateboarders are capable of skateboarding, whilst the rest are happy to make fools of themselves by falling over in public. Any grown man caught riding one should be shot on sight.
Venom can always be sucked out...
The Lie: A bite from a venomous creature will spell curtains unless you can quickly suck it out of an open wound. In which case, you will be fine. After spitting the venom out again, no remnant is ever left behind, nor does it mingle with the saliva left in your mouth. If the wound is in a hard-to-reach area, a friend can always be depended upon to grudgingly help you out.
The Liars: Your Highness, Bananas, Snakes On A Plane
In Real Life: Whilst this technique might slow the process down somewhat, human circulation would carry most of thevenom away from the entry point within seconds. And putting poison in your mouth is never really okay…
Computers are operated exclusively by keyboard...
The Lie: Buying a mouse is a waste of money, as all computers functions can be achieved by a frenzied bout of typing. In addition to this, sunglasses are recommended as computer screens are so bright, their contents can be seen reflected in the user’s face. Finally, hacking is relatively elementary, and is largely reliant on possession of a wide, password-busting vocabulary.
The Liars: The Net, Hackers, Swordfish
In Real Life: Computers are quite complicated. That’s why IT departments exist. When will we see one of them in a film, eh? Eh?
Airport security is easily evaded...
The Lie: Airport security can be bypassed with relative ease, provided your motive is not to blow up a plane but to tell your departing loved one how you feel. When you are eventually apprehended, the consequences will be nothing more sinister than a wagging finger or a clip round the ear.
The Liars: Love Actually and various other romantic fantasies.
In Real Life: No matter how romantic your intentions, if you attempt to barrel through passport control, you will be taken down. Hard.
Brilliant scientists are incapable of boiling an egg...
The Lie: A person’s ability to comprehend quantum physics is inversely proportional to their ability to remember names, dates and how to tie a tie. Also, considerable intelligence is almost always accompanied by oafish clumsiness. Scientists in particular are wholly incapable of staying on their feet.
The Liars: Back To The Future, Flubber, Honey I Shrunk The Kids, Waterworld
In Real Life: Genius in one field does not always come at the price of being a total incompetent in every other element of life! Similarly, scientific discovery does not necessitate a laboratory covered in scorch-marks and broken glass.
Stitches are more painful than a punch in the face...
The Lie: Whilst it may be possible to soak up a punch or even a bullet without flinching, any sort of wound-dressing scenario is impossible to weather without a pained wince. Said scenario will become even more painful if it is a woman administering the clean-up, prompting her to comically pour scorn on your manhood.
The Liars: The Punisher, Faster, the Indiana Jones series
In Real Life: Receiving stitches is a fairly straightforward and pain-free process. Getting shot, on the other hand, is not.
Thieves are an honourable lot...
The Lie: Whilst they don’t mind stealing all your stuff, a good thief would never turn another thief in. Or indeed, leave him to take the fall. Or muscle in on his racket. Why? Because deep down, kleptomaniacs are honourable fellows who operate in accordance with a code. Hearts of gold, the lot of ‘em.
The Liars: Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves, Ocean’s 13, Plunkett & Macleane
In Real Life: Thieves are by definition a crooked bunch of conniving bastards and about as honourable as plankton. Hanging’s too good for ‘em!
When two people have sex, they always finish at exactly the same time
The Lie: All couples having sex wrap things up at the exact same moment, both achieving climax in perfect harmony before collapsing in a happy bundle together (always remembering to pull the sheet up, naturally). No woman has ever failed to reach orgasm…it just doesn’t happen.
The Liars: Every film ever made.
In Real Life: More often than not, sex is a messy, sticky, uncoordinated shambles, usually ending in one half of the equation having to put an extra shift in just when they thought they’d finished things off. That said, it's a lot more fun than the anodyne stuff you see up on screen...