Cherry Tree Lane (2010)
The Address: Cherry Tree Lane, London
The Terror: A couple are terrorised in their own home by gang members bearing a grudge against their son. Trouble is, boyo isn’t home yet – but these lads don’t mind waiting around and finding fun ways to entertain themselves.
Time To Move? Your kid gets himself mixed up with thugs; the only way to remedy that is moving to completely new part of the country. Filthy gangs.
A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
The Address: 1428 Elm Street, Springwood, Ohio
The Terror: A scary, scarred serial killer who wants to make ribbons out of your flesh. Except he’s canny – he’ll do it in your dreams so nobody will suspect him.
Time To Move? If you survive your first bad Freddy dream, you seriously ought to think about packing – it’s unlikely you’ll survive a second.
Home Alone (1990)
The Address: 671 Lincoln Avenue, Chicago
The Terror: Kevin McCallister, ignored eight year old, is left behind when his family go off to Paris for Christmas without him. Taking advantage of the vacant homes, two crooks decide to crowbar their way into a five-fingered festive discount. But they hadn’t counted on Kevin being home…
Time To Move? You’re living in an affluent neighbourhood, but nobody thinks to set up neighbourhood watch? Even though everybody goes away at Christmas? Screw that.
Evil Dead II (1987)
The Address: Unnamed Cabin, Tennessee Mountains
The Terror: Fancy a little demon possession with your quiet getaway? You’ve come to the right place. After dummy Ash plays a recording of a reading from the Book of the Dead, all manner of squelchy, mean-spirited nasties come back to pretty on him…
Time To Move? If beheading your girlfriend becomes a necessity, alarm bells should start ringing.
The Amityville Horror (1979)
The Address: 112 Ocean Avenue, Amityville, NY
The Terror: A true haunted house of the God-fearing variety. This place has a bad history. Just last year, an entire family were mass murdered. Now, its walls are soaked with the screams of those who lived – and died – there. Just look at it, its windows are watching you…
Time To Move? Your husband’s temper is suddenly and uncharacteristically flaring out of control, and priests go deaf when they visit your home. Get out while you still can!
Dream Home (2010)
The Address: Hong Kong, China
The Terror: Desperate young professional Cheng Li-sheung is traumatised when the deal for her dream home falls through. But she’s not going down without a fight – using household equipment to take out her neighbours in seriously glory fashion.
Time To Move? Your neighbour comes at you with a hoover, looking for blood. And here you thought it was bad living next door to Dale Winton.
Scream (1996)
The Address: The Machers', Woodsboro
The Terror: Stu Macher’s middle-of-nowhere home plays host to a horrific multiple murder, when two Ghostface killers maim, slash throats, stab each other and have tellies dropped on their heads. A haunted house in the making, for sure.
Time To Move? You’ve turned into a psycho killer thanks to goading by your psychotic best friend. The house may not be to blame, but that isolated setting certainly can’t have helped. City life’s for you, my friend.
Inside (2007)
The Address: Paris, France
The Terror: Pregnant woman Sarah just can’t get a break. After losing her husband in a car accident, a strange woman has broken into her home and won’t let her leave. Not only that, but she kills police officers who come to Sarah’s aid and, worse still, wants Sarah’s unborn baby…
Time To Move? That woman you keep seeing? Yeah, she’s stalking you. And she knows where you live. You never liked your house anyway, did you?
Straw Dogs (1971)
The Address: Tor Noon, Morva, Penzance
The Terror: Workmen grow resentful of their boss, David and his wife Amy, as they feel alienated by their comfortable country living. Deciding to get even, they strange the couple’s cat, rape Amy, then lay siege to the entire place.
Time To Move? Those builders are checking out your wife with alarming regularity, their eyes bulging with hard-to-keep-back lust. Don’t move, just fire the fuckers.
Funny Games (2008)
The Address: Lake House, Long Island
The Terror: Two teenage terrors invade the home of the Farber family, and torture them for fun. Talking their way into the residence under the pretence of needing to borrow some eggs, the duo mentally play with their prey, before killing their little boy. And that’s just the beginning…
Time To Move? Your neighbours come and ask for eggs while eyeing up some golf clubs. Some might call you paranoid, others lucky to escape.
Hard Candy (2005)
The Address: 4730 Crystal Springs Drive, LA
The Terror: A 14-year-old girl gets revenge for her missing friend by drugging the man she thinks kidnapped her – in his own home. She then plays her own twisted mind games, making him believe she’s castrated him – and goading him into committing suicide.
Time To Move? Yes please, we don't want your kind around here.
Wait Until Dark (1967)
The Address: 4 St. Luke's Place, Manhattan
The Terror: Blind woman Susy Hendrix gets caught in the middle of a dodgy drug operation that finds her trapped alone in her house with three crooks who want a doll that’s filled with bags of heroine. Can a blind woman save herself from the hideous cretins?
Time To Move? Three strange men turn up at your apartment. You don’t let them in. Full stop. No need to move.
Last House On The Left (2009)
The Address: The Collingwoods, Northern California
The Terror: Having discovered the four weary travellers they’ve let stay in their house are responsible for the murder of their innocent daughter, a married couple take bloody revenge on their house guests.
Time To Move? After soaking your house in blood? You betcha.
When A Stranger Calls (1979)
The Address: 3317 Oak Ridge
The Terror: Ah, that old chestnut. A babysitter is looking after the children in a creepy house, but receives phone calls from a creepy man. The calls escalate until poor Jill Johnson discovers there’s a man in the house with her, toying with her like a cat does a timid little mouse.
Time To Move? “Have you checked the children?” is pretty much your cue to scram.
Black Christmas (1974)
The Address: 6 Clarendon Crescent, Toronto
The Terror: We thought sorority houses were meant to be heavenly places where girls run around in their underwear having pillow fights. Not so here – a psycho killer is on the loose, and he hates those damn girls.
Time To Move? Okay, horrible phone calls probably aren’t enough to make you uproot and move, but a psycho living in the attic surely should get you hotfooting it.
Poltergeist (1982)
The Address: 4267 Roxbury Street, Simi Valley, CA
The Terror: Y’know, the kind that move furniture when you’re not looking, make you imagine you’re pulling your face apart in the bathroom mirror, and kidnap your adorable little girl…
Time To Move? Your kid gets eaten by her closet. The other one gets eaten by a tree. Pretty much time to get the hell out of there.
Panic Room (2002)
The Address: West 94th Street, New York
The Terror: Three goons break into this rather lovely abode in order to pinch $3m worth of bearer bonds – unaware that a young woman and her daughter have already moved in. Altogether now: fight!
Time To Move? More of a warning not to move in early, if anything else. There might be a gang who need to use your residence to clean up some business first, see. Best you don’t get caught in the crossfire.
The Haunting (1963)
The Address: Hill House
The Terror: More ghostly going-ons – or are they? When three laymen join an investigation into the paranormal at Hill House, spooky stuff starts to happen, but mostly around Eleanor. Is she herself haunted, or just a bit crackers?
Time To Move? Those banging doors would definitely get us on a one-way train to Anywhereville before you could whisper “holycrapIthinkthisplaceishaunted…”
