Nothing says I love you like a pair of Spider-Man underpants…
1 Dancing Jar Jar Binks
Watch the lop-eared buffoon have some kind of seizure as the sound of his plastic joints clanking drown out a tinny version of the Cantina Band. The only silver lining is that it does look like somebody’s mercilessly torturing him…
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2 Canned Unicorn Meat
“An excellent source of sparkles”? Is this going to be revealed as major plot twist in the final Twilight movie? Edward has been chowing down on cute, little, mono-horned ponies to maintain his daylight glittery sheen (not to mention to give him the horn). And is it just us, or does it look more like Unicorn poop than meat?
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3 Lesbian Vampire Killers In Your Pocket
Like the film, the name of this tat is far more exciting than the tat itself. All you really get in your pocket is a series of scratchy audiofiles reminding you just how excruciatingly unfunny the film was. If you can think of any situation which would be rendered more amusing by unexpectedly playing any of the following, we'd love you to keep it to yourself:
“So, you damn Clam lappers fancy a piece of me do you? Come on then!”
“This might be the best night of my entire f***ing life.”
“Under full on lesbian vampire attack ... still got it fella.”
“Oh God, Oh God, Oh Gosh, Oh God, Oh God.”
“Mate, that sword’s got a c**k for a handle.”
“Lesbian vampire killers it is, lets ride.”
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4 LEGO Dobby
The only thing worse than getting a LEGO Dobby for Christmas is thinking that somebody has bought you a Paul Daniels action figure for Christmas, and he wants you to darn his sock.
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5 Spider-Man Briefs
Mildly preferable to ants in your pants…
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6 Australian Sci-Fi Car Number Plates
Firstly, you wouldn’t want any of these car number plates because you’d need to be in Australia to use them on your car. Secondly, they're all a tad… well… desperate . Some of them require some lateral thinking to work out. Some are just stupidly obscure (THMPER is a reference to a worm-attracting device in Dune ; Desilu was the production company behind ’60s Star Trek ; Melina was the prostitute in Total Recall ). Some are downright nerdy (PPG is a gun from Babylon 5 ). And some just make you sound like you're into perverse sex games…
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7 Twilight Double Duvet Cover
We know some people would love a Twilight duvet cover . The keyword here, though, is “double”. It’s one thing having Bella, Edward and Jacob keeping you warm on winter nights, but expecting to find someone else who’ll share it with you… that could be a little trickier.
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8 Alien Decal Sticker
We just don’t get this . Has “car boot sale fodder” written all over it.
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9 Neelix Action Figure
The nightmarish memory of having to put up with seven years of the dreaded Talaxian chef’s forced bonhomie, smug advice, ghastly dress sense and New Romantic haircut means you want to stick this in the microwave on full power instantly. With some Jibalian spice and leola root for company. The puppy dog eyes and hangdog expression suggest that, in a moment of self-realisation that sadly never occurred on the show, Neelix knows that too. Sorry, too late for retribution now.
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10 Crime Traveller Complete Series DVD
Just say no . (“Over 6 hours”? – thanks for the warning.)
